Archive for November 20th, 2009


Stamkos Scores an Awfully Pretty Goal

The #1 pick in the NHL draft in 2008, Tampa Bay’s Steve Stamkos has a much more important place in the world; I recently picked him up for my fantasy hockey team where he’s been playing like gangbusters. Case in point, this super sweet goal he scored last night. It’s contributions like this that keep me not just in first place, but absolutely CRUSHING the “competition.”


Neil Peart to Bring That Rush Sound to the NHL

Not content with Journey’s  Steve Perry providing music for the Dodgers, Rush drummer Neil Peart has been hired by TSN to record a new version of the Hockey Theme for their NHL broadcasts.

The press release, which calls Peart “the world’s most accomplished and most-respected drummer/percussionist,” says that in addition to gathering together various other musicians and engineers to make his “vision” come true, Peart has also designed a special NHL-themed drum kit to record his version on.

The Canadian-born rocker said that, “having started out as a Canadian kid who skated on his ankles, and never made a hockey team, it is particularly sweet to be invited to be a part of this national institution – if not on skates, then on drums, performing Canada’s ‘second national anthem.’ At last I’ve made the Big Leagues!”

Adding to the schmaltz is TSN’s vice-president for production Mark Milliere who said: “To have a music legend and a member of Canada’s rock royalty like Neil Peart record his version of The Hockey Theme speaks volumes about the song’s place in psyche of hockey fans across the country and around the world. It is an honour to have Neil put his rock spin on this iconic tune and we’re extremely excited to add his interpretation to our NHL ON TSN broadcasts.”



Anaheim Fans Battle Over Who is Mightiest

Anaheim (Mighty) Duck Scott Niedermeyer generously skated over to the fans and gave away his stick the other night, tossing it over the boards. Showing true fellowship for their fellow man, it led to a fight between two Ducks fans jousting one another for the memento. Now you can enjoy making fun of these people from your computer!


Let’s Just Call the New Bills Head Coach Moses

Perry Fewell, the interim Buffalo Bills head coach shows his team the 10 commandments he has received from high above.

  1. I am the Head Coach
  2. Thou Shall have no other coach but I; because no one else would ever want this miserable job. You shall not worship any former Pro Bowlers (Terrell Owens) whose production is now miserable
  3. You shall not take the Bills name in vain, in fact, it’s better to not even mention us
  4. Keep Sundays as our Sabbath and use them as a day of rest, it won’t make a difference on the field anyways
  5. Honor our owner Ralph Wilson, he signs the checks
  6. You shall not murder, except the memories of Bills fans who remember the days when we were good
  7. You shall not seek out other teams for a trade or free agency, you must remain mired in mediocrity
  8. You shall not make any adjustments to your opponent, stick with what has gotten us this far
  9. You shall not give specious quotes to the media, abandon all hope
  10. You shall not covet to be on a better team, if you deserved to be there, you would be, you’re on the Bills for a reason.

Tuskers Cap Off Perfect UFL Season — No One Notices

It took 23 years before the first NFL team went undefeated; the nascent and unwatched UFL has had their first undefeated team in year one as SOMEHOW the Florida Tuskers managed to stay focused with all the thousands of reporters following the team. The Tuskers enter the playoffs 6-0 after two successful onside kicks to win 34-27 over the California Redwoods.

Anytime a team with Brooks Bollinger at QB and Jim Haslett as the head coach is facing you, you just KNOW you’re in trouble. If I were the rest of the UFL I’d just give up now, you just can’t beat that kind of talent.



Cricket Player Opts for Lipo to Get in Shape

They take cricket very seriously in Pakistan and the members of the Pakistan Cricket Board are very unhappy with Shoaib Akhtar, once one of the top players in the country. In recent months Akhtar had become rather rotund, so much so that he opted for liposuction as a means of getting back into slimmer, faster shape.

The cosmetic surgery will keep him sidelined for 5 months though, meaning he’ll miss a number of very important matches for the Pakistani team. The Board are especially pissed because Akhtar never consulted or even told them he was getting the surgery which they say will help his physical appearance but, according to Dr. Waqar Ahmed of the Pakistan Sports Board, “has nothing to do with the fitness of a player.”

”Mostly it is done for improving the figure and other cosmetic reasons whereas the shedding of weight of more than 12 kilograms might help him only when he will improve his muscle strength and stamina. ‘Considering his age, I don’t think he will be able to show any kind of improvement as compared to his last previous performance.”

Earlier this year another health story about Akhtar made the rounds when he threatened to sue the national board after they released that he was unable to play in the World Cup because he had an STD. ”The medical board has reported that Akhtar was suffering from genital viral warts,” the PCB statement at the time read.

Thanks guys!



Frisbee Toss Gets 22 Seconds of Hangtime

While I think we can all agree that having Oasis’ Wonderwall playing is not ideal, this clip of a guy throwing a Frisbee off a mountain is pretty awesome. That thing goes FAR! How pissed are you though if you shank that toss? You gotta bring a couple backup ‘bees just in case right?

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The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

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November 2009