It makes me endlessly unhappy that I even know who Kevin Federline is, the man has done nothing worthwhile in his life besides turning Britney from someone who someday was going to get the honor of boning me, into someone for whom the privilege is no longer available. I’m certain she’s distraught by this. Or at least should be. Then there is Kevin Love, rookie forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves. He’s at least sorta accomplished things, I mean, he got drafted and everything, and he gets to play for Kevin McHale, so that’s something! The two men share a definite resemblance I believe. Although, they also share that resemblance with the majority of white guys who think they are down with hip-hop culture, right down to the silly line beard things that no one except David Ortiz looks good with. What do you think dear readers, is it just me or do you agree as well? Make sure to vote in the poll below so they can either move on to the next level, the illustrious doppelganger page or should be dumped in the trash heap. And as ever, check out the rest of the doppelgangers here.
Archive for December 19th, 2008
An All Kevin Doppelganger
Chicago’s Dancers Are Super Sexy
NBA cheerleaders are generally pretty attractive, there are the classic dance teams with the Lakers, Knicks and Heat but the Chicago Bulls have taken their dance team to a whole new level of sexy. “I need to see the shirts come all the way up,” dance team choreagorapher Kim Tyler yells out at her charges during a rehearsal two hours before gametime, “Rub your stomachs! Over-exaggerate! Make this bigger!”
The only problem, this isn’t the choreographer for the Chicago Bulls Luvabulls women’s dance team, but the Chicago Bull Matadors, the all-male big man dance team. Featuring 10 men, who range in the 270-400 pound range, with 10 performances per year, the Matadors jiggle and shimmy their way through routines to songs like “Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake. YES!
Of course, the Bulls are not the first to do this, the Mavericks were the first team to do so, and copycat teams have sprung up with 12 other teams now, as well as to baseball’s Florida Marlins. However, when I think Chicago, I think of large men stuffed with beer, bratwurst and heart attacks, so, this seems like the perfect fit.
In order to join the group all the men were required to sign a waiver and have a doctor sign off on their ability to dancing without, you know, dying, which seems like a pretty good idea. “The whole object of [being a Matador] is to be who you are and have fun,” said Al Cruz, a 5-foot-9-inch, 270-pound Chicago bus driver. “I’ve always been self-conscious about my weight. But I’ve learned to come to terms with my bigness. When we do pull up our shirts and show our lovely selves, it’s like saying, ‘It’s OK to be big.’ It’s like saying, ‘See me, love me.’ ”
The men, who earn a robust $30 and two tickets for each game they work aren’t in it for the money though, for most of them it is a chance just to enjoy the game and their bodies, after years of being teased for being so large. Then there are the pre-game activities…
“The men gathered in a small locker room littered with cans of Coke, half-eaten bags of popcorn puffs and an empty bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. They pulled on shirts the size of bedsheets, yanked striped socks over chunky calves and greased their stomachs with Vaseline–a way to emphasize their girth.”
Then, despite their miscues during rehearsal, once the Matadors got out on the floor to do their thing, they nailed it, every jiggle was hit, every shirt-raise was perfection and the crowd loved it. Seems like a pretty good way to get in free to the game. Now I just need to gain 200 more pounds and I’m golden!
Bronson Arroyo will always have a special place in my heart, his precious corn-rows were so darling when he pitched for the Sox, and for a brief period he was a totally solid 5th starter. Sure that Wily Mo trade didn’t work out, but I liked the move at the time because I thought Wily Mo might one day learn to hit a curveball. It turns out that’ll never happen.
Anyways, in the most recent Sporting News magazine they picked Bronson to be profiled with the standard generally uninteresting questions. What’s in your Ipod? OOh hard-hitting informative journalism! But, things get interesting when Bronson says his motto is: “It ain’t no fun unless the homeys can have some!” – Snoop Dogg.
Hmm…
Let’s look at where that lyric comes from, the fabulous, “Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)” from Snoop’s debut, Doggystyle. For example, in verse 2, when Kurupt comes in with this: “I have no love for hoes/That’s somethin I learned in the pound/so how the fuck am I supposed/to pay this hoe, just to lay this hoe/I know the pussy’s mine, I’ma fuck a couple more times/And then I’m through with it, there’s nothing else to do with it/Pass it to the homie, now you hit it/Cause she ain’t nuthin but a bitch to me/And y’all know, that bitches ain’t shit to me.”
So, Bronson’s motto is to make sure that all his friends get to fuck girls together. Now, I like my friends, I enjoy hanging out with them, we have a very nice time. Among the things we don’t do is share women, because you know, that’s not classy. And we are NOTHING but classy. Also, maybe it’s just me, but the idea of hooking up with someone immediately after one of my friends did, to me, is not that appealing, maybe I’m not cut out for the rap game after all…
Jack Wilson is Delusional
Jack Wilson, the all-glove no-hit shortstop of the Pittsburgh Pirates is frustrated by the never ending losing and wants to see the Pirates actually succeed for once.
“The only thing I wish we could do was compete. I wish we could go out and get some more players to make our team competitive. And, you know…that’s going to be my new focus on the Internet: Instead of looking for my name and where I might go, hopefully, we might get some players. Because we need them.”
Now, to be fair, he’s right the Pirates DO need players, thus far their biggest off-season moves have been signing utility scrub Ramon Vazquez and resigning catcher Ryan Doumit. Not exactly headline news…Then again, seeing that the Pirates are paying $7.25 million this year for Jack Wilson, who has a career OPS+ of 78(!!!!!), a player who in 8 years has NEVER had an OPB above .350 or really been anything better than MEDIOCRE at the plate for 6 of 8 years. But yeah, the Pirates need to get some players. No. They need to get rid of STUPID contracts and useless one-dimensional players who play premium positions.
“I wanted to make sure that, if I was giving up a couple years of free agency, I had a chance of competing. That’s one of the main things that went into my signing that piece of paper [his 3 year extension signed in 2006], that we’d compete,” Wilson said, according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. “Since I signed that, that hasn’t happened. We’ve lost key players who were going to be part of that team they were talking about. They are now gone.”
Yes, they have lost key players, like Jason Bay, but otherwise, Xavier Nady and Jeff Suppan are probably the biggest losses since he’s been on the team and I think any good baseball fan will agree that neither of those players are people you want to base a team around.
Wilson continued being completely wrong when he told the paper, “The biggest thing stressed over the past year was accountability. That includes everybody in the organization, as far as having accountability for themselves and in wanting to win. It’s not just the players.” Sure, accountability is great, does that mean you’ll be returning some of the $20 million dollars you’ll have earned over the last 4 years seeing that the closest players careers to yours include such luminaries as Adam Kennedy, Christian Guzman and DEIVI CRUZ!!!! (comparison score of 942!!!!!!!) Anytime you’re mentioned in the same breath with Deivi Cruz (whose career OPS+ was, you guessed it 78!) is NOT a good thing.
Hey Jack, shut the fuck up, your team has been desperately trying to unload you for the last three years and have been unable to find a taker because of the sheer ridiculousness of your salary. You want to help the Pirates, tell them you want to be paid what you deserve, the league minimum and have them pay the 7 million they owe you to someone who can actually PLAY baseball. You know, like hit the ball and stuff. I know it is EXTREMELY hard for you, but most professional ballplayers are able to do that…
Also, your mouth is terrifying looking, that smile/sneer thing of yours is truly hideous. You should NEVER been seen in HD.
Zamboni Down!
As Chicago gears up for the upcoming Blackhawks/Red Wings outdoor game at Wrigley Field, all the necessary preparations are being made. For instance, what’s a hockey game without a zamboni? Of course, this being Chicago and Wrigley Field, nothing comes easy. I’d be concerned about the Blackhawks if I were one of their fans after seeing this video. The Cubs have gone 100 years sans championship, the Blackhawks have already gone since 1961 since winning one, I’d be staying away from EVERYTHING Cubs. At least the White Sox have won recently…
When I was going off to college, my high school’s college adviser wrote in my yearbook “Have a great 4-7 years in college, you’re gonna need it.” How right he was. Amazingly I defied the odds and finished in only 4 years, and learned a valuable lesson about the dangers of diet pills. So, really, win-win.
Jordan Shipley of the University of Texas Longhorns football team must have received similar advice. Shipley, currently a 5th year player at the school has applied for a 6th year of eligibility from the NCAA. Shipley missed two seasons due to injury, 2004-2005 and now wants to make up that lost time, with that elusive 6th year of college. “I think I deserve another year. I missed over two whole seasons,” Shipley said.
Sure, you absolutely “deserve” it. After all, you got to go to one of the best schools in Texas, for free, for now 5 years, they OWE you because you got hurt. I couldn’t agree more. It’s nice to see a young man who has the proper perspective on life. In other fun news people who were in 8th grade when Shipley started college are now his classmates. Fun!
As hard as it is for me to believe, there are people out in the world who DON’T religiously and obsessively follow Argentine soccer. I feel sorry for those people, they missed this piece of awesome. You see Gaston Aguirre plays for San Lorenzo, and while in the middle of what was eventually a 2-1 game against Tigre he went to take a shot on goal. The only problem was that at the exact moment he struck the ball, a group of pigeons were on the field and in a freak accident, he hit a pigeon, exploding feathers everywhere. The rest of the birds flew away, but the hit bird remained. Several players tried to scoop it up as it tried valiantly to fly away, it soon collapsed to the ground, dead. The referee picked it up and took it off the field so that play could continue. “I kicked the ball and, poor pigeon,” the Gaston Aguirre said. “Now I will be remembered as the pigeon killer.”
You bet he will! Because it is totally and completely awesome. I think we all remember Randy Johnson completely destroying a pigeon with a pitch and how cool that was. I think Aguirre is looking at this the wrong way, he’s a hero! Well, to those who hate pigeons. I know someone who is TERRIFIED of pigeons, and she’d probably celebrate Aguirre, so at least you’ll have ONE fan.
And after the jump for memory sake is that awesome Randy Johnson pitch.
The Slanch Report 
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