Archive for December 23rd, 2008


Fuck the Yankees

While I’m disappointed to see the Yankees land Mark Teixeira, this doesn’t change my outlook for the 2009 Boston Red Sox. However, the 2010-2017 teams I’m a bit more concerned about. Of COURSE the Yankees swoop in at the last minute and sign Teixeira, it’s a great move by Brian Cashman, let everyone else get bogged down in daily rumors and innuendo, and then, when the heavy lifting has been done, bring me the best offer and I’ll beat it. That’s just smart business. Out of all the teams that were pursuing him, no one needed Tex more than the Yankees or the Angels. Now the Angels are SOL and announced that they aren’t going to go after Manny Ramirez, meaning that their offense looks to struggle once more without protection for Vladdy.

With the signing of Teixeira the Yankees now have the 4 highest paid players in MLB on their team. A-Rod, CC, Tex and Cap’n Jetes. Wow. Based on the reports, the deal is for 8 years for $180 million, which brings the Yankees offseason spending on a grand total of three players to $423 million. That’s a lot! Oh, and the Yankees infield now makes approximately $75 million just on their own. Yikes!

The good news for Sox fans is that presumably Mike Lowell stays now! So that’s neat, for the next year or two. Sigh. Lars Anderson our power-hitting first base prospect better pay off… It looks like the free agent contract for Joe Mauer (free agent agent at the end of the 2010 season) is going to be RIDICULOUS! Otherwise, it looks like the Sox are left with the one that brung them to the dance.

At least now I can think 0ut loud all the negative things about Teixeira that I was trying to talk myself out of when this whole business began. For example, since he left the hitter’s park in Texas he hasn’t been the same power-wise. He’s not a centerpiece player, he’s a strong complementary one, and not really worth $22.5 million for the production he provides, maybe 18-19. Teixeira has been an All-Star all of ONCE and he’s been nowhere near an MVP award. My other big concern is that Teixeira is brutal in the early months of the year, and while he powers up later in the season, I wonder how he’ll handle it in the very different weather of the Northeast as compared to Atlanta and Texas. While he had a very nice OPB during the playoffs this year, besides making a great play with the glove, he did little besides hit singles and get walks and so he did pretty much nothing to help his team score runs.

Fortunately, now Tex and A-Rod can together destroy the Yankees in the postseason.

The one thing this signing deprives us of is the hilarious Teixeira press conference after signing with the Nationals where he would have said it was about coming home and nothing to do with them offering him more money. Now he can say he came to NY for the mystique and to win and no one will begrudge him, so his public image can remain blemish-free. Unfortunately, now I have 8 years of looking at Tex in pinstripes and wondering what could have been.

Teixeira and A-Rod only played one season together in Texas, but they combined for 73 HRs and 202 RBIs, and that was Tex’s rookie season. I expect the two of them to roughly hit 400-500 HRs combined over the length of their deals.

So long Tex. Now I hate you and your horse face.


Belichick Gets Mic’d for Practice

This video from isn’t super informative, but it was interesting to see parts of Bill Belichick at practice with the Patriots. I especially like when he’s talking to Jerod Mayo and asks him why he needs another car and Randy Moss yells out, “that’s first round money!” I also really appreciate Belichick asking Mayo if he wants to get a Volvo and Mayo saying, “nope!” Anyhoo, enjoy!

ed. to add:

Ok, the video for some reason isn’t embedding, but go to the link above, or click HERE and you can see the video on the NFL website.


Young Man, There’s No Need to Feel Down

dsc_0234First of all the Sun Bowl is no longer just the Sun Bowl, now, it’s the Brut Sun Bowl, which I suppose makes all the difference. In order to add to the manly image of the game, at this year’s Sun Bowl which features the Beavers of Oregon State up against the Pittsburgh Panthers, the bowl organizers are going for a Guinness World Record, the most people singing “YMCA” at one time.

“‘YMCA’ is such a fan-friendly song, that we decided if we can get the entire crowd at Sun Bowl Stadium involved, it would be a way to get El Pasoans involved in a Guinness World Record,” said Bernie Olivas, executive director of the Sun Bowl Association. “We realize that it is just a small footnote in life, but what a neat way to remember our 75th anniversary.”

In order to make the experience all that much more memorable and to lead the crowd in the singing are none other than the Village People themselves. Amazingly, they were available.

The Village People, who are celebrating their own anniversary, 30 years, will perform alongside 325 dancers and be followed by performances by the schools’ marching bands.

The previous record for the largest crowd singing “YMCA” was on July 4, 2001 when 13,588 fans rocked out to the song for 5 minutes at a baseball game between the Omaha Spikes and the Salt Lake Stingers at Johnny Rosenblatt Stadium in Omaha, Nebraska.

Way to stick it to Nebraska, Brut!

[Sun Bowl]


See Baseball on the Cheap

Prior to the official opening of the new Yankee Stadium and the unending printing of money that will ensure, the Yankees organization is actually doing something nice for the fans. On April 3 and 4 the Yankees will be playing exhibition games against the Chicago Cubs and as a gift to the fans there are several ticket deals. Fans who have full-season ticket licenses will get free tickets for the games, partial plan people will get the first opportunity to purchase tickets and the individual tickets won’t exceed $50. OK, that’s kind of nice, but still not a great deal for those in the population who don’t have a lot of thousand of dollars to spend on season tickets. For everyone else, how about tickets in the bleachers for 25 and grandstand for 110. Not bad right. Oh, I should mention that is 25 CENTS and 110 CENTS not dollars, the same price as at the opening of the original Yankee Stadium in 1923.

I don’t like to praise the Yankees, for anything, but this is a pretty good deal. Sure, it’s only for two games, exhibition ones at that, but they are also the first games to be played at the new stadium and that ordinary fans might be able to go for that cheap is pretty awesome. Of course, scalpers will probably swallow the cheap seats all up and ordinary fans will be left paying an arm and a leg again but, at least the idea is nice…



Shakespeare Presents: Plaxico

You can call me a dork, but this piece from McSweeney’s makes me very happy. Titled “Recovered Scenes from the Tragedy Plaxico by William Shakespeare” it is both hilarious and smart, just like me! If you don’t read this, then you’re just an asshole.

I particularly like the Eli Manning soliloquy:

Act III, scene iv.

The Meadowlands, locker room.


O Miasma, rank with sweat unlaunder’d!
Effluvium most foul, I have thee ponder’d.
All my vict’ries—aye, today’s included—
Are, with odors stale, at last concluded.
Always thus: to men of great conceiving
Parasitic stench is ever cleaving.
Could Alexander, in his conquest wide,
Lack e’er the scent of flesh’s crimson tide?
Or awesome Khan, unmatch’d in worldly earning,
Escape the fetid balm of Asia burning?
And so, unslak’d, each triumph of ambition
Is companied by fragrance of perdition.
Verily, this soul is parch’d with wanting—
Plaxico, thy glory is my haunting!
I have a brother’s shadow overstepp’d,
And from repute to fool so stead’ly crept.
The barber has with insult grown absurd,
And obsolete the writer’s scornful word.
But, though I’m toasted past what thirst could bear,
The spirits are a swill I cannot share.
Alas, that nature is so firm affix’d,
And not with wisdom’s fairer visage mix’d!
But by the very devil am I urg’d
To fast assure that Plaxico is purg’d;
And, being to my cause so tightly bound,
I hereby cease to plead the wav’ring sound.
Forsooth, this loaded gun shall serve as arm
By which his head is lock’d in crux of harm.
I wrap it now in semblance of a gift
And set it in our locker room adrift,
Where’pon it be discover’d and display’d
And as a nameless gift to him convey’d.
And bless us, Fortune: dimly Plaxico
Shall bear the arm unwittingly, and so,
In time unholy, wholly walk red-handed,
Likewise caught, and as a sinner branded.
Tolerance would not be further carried—
A vain receiver’s legend thus is buried!

And, should this hatchèd plot take wing and fly,
I am the apple o’ the Apple’s eye.


Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

Generally the only time you ever hear anything about an offensive lineman is when they get a penalty or give up a sack, but today we are here to praise one. Damion McIntosh is the left tackle on the Kansas City Chiefs and while their season has been consistently inconsistent, he gave the Chiefs fans one reason to cheer during their game against the Dolphins. Watch him as he goes into the secondary and just DEMOLISHES the DBs with two devastating blocks. It’s gotta be pretty awesome to be that big and be able to throw people around like that. I mean, I could do that, I just you know, um, don’t…


Why Women’s Tennis is Awesome

You know what we haven’t seen here for a while? A hot new athlete to fawn over. Fortunately, via Sports by Brooks, we have a new lady love! Everyone meet Viktoriya Kutuzova, Viktoriya, meet everyone. The 20 year old Ukranian is yet to see major success on the tennis courts, partly because her career has been stalled by some shoulder problems. For some reason, these photos of her warming up before a match at Wimbledon just came to the public eye, thanks in part to the people of the SuperiorPics message board, and while I don’t know why they took so long to get to me, I’m glad they’re here now. I don’t know what it is about Viktoriya that attracts me the most, if I could only put my finger on it, or even a whole hand…


h/t to for the photos.

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

December 2008