The tournament at Wimbledon has begun play, and as someone who especially loves the grass, I am excited. It hasn’t been all fun and games across the pond though, Wimbledon it seems is besieged by pigeons that disturb the players and the courts.
Initially 2 hawks were employed to dissuade pigeons from being in the area and bothering players on the courts. Unfortunately the hawks were unable to do the job completely, and so the staff at Wimbledon turned to some army marksmen to cull the pigeons.
“The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job,” Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins said. “But unfortunately there were one or two areas where the hawks didn’t deter the pigeons, so it was deemed necessary to take a harder approach.”
Predicatably, the whiners at PETA immediately took offense to this and started making trouble.
“Since the use of marksmen to kill pigeons appears to have been carried out as a first, rather than a last resort, and not out of a concern for public health, but rather because the animals were deemed inconvenient by players, you appear to be in clear violation of the law,” PETA vice-president Bruce Friedrich said.
Ignoring the fact that PETA is totally ignoring that Wimbledon first tried to use hawks to get rid of the pigeons, the fact that army marksmen were being used to do this is totally awesome; and second of all, who gives a shit? They’re pigeons! Even the most ardent Buddhist could care less about pigeons, they’re flying rats. They spread disease, they poop on everything and provide zero benefit to the world. Even further, it’s not as though there is a lack of pigeons in England. I’ve lived in England, there are too many goddamn pigeons there, killing the few that are around Wimbledon is no big deal and there will be no discernible difference in the nation. It’s not as though they are endangered, or protected, or useful, or attractive, or interesting.
Also, I love that, to PETA, it’s totally fine for hawks to kill pigeons but not humans. I can gurantee that the marksmen kill the birds a whole lot faster and painlessly than the hawks do. If I had to choose an expert marksman or a hawk to kill me, I think the decision is pretty easy. So PETA doesn’t mind animal-on-animal violence right? Well, what exactly are humans if not smarter animals? So Bruce Friedrich, sit down and shut up, no one is going to rally around your cause for pigeons.
Maybe if they were cuter. Or nicer. Or worthwhile in any manner. But they aren’t. I only wish the marksman could set up outside PETA. No wait, that’d be cruel.
I only wish that a swarm of hawks can be released inside PETA headquarters. I’m perfectly willing to allow some pigeons to live if it were to mean less PETA douches.
This year, John Mcfarlane (human) was bested by a mere 30 seconds by Dukes Touch of Fun (horse), making the record for the equines in this race a robust 26-2. Three years ago, Huw Lobb (seriously, Welsh is an alien language right?) became the first human to win the race, and last year German Florian Holtinger outran the same Dukes Touch of Fun by 11 minutes to win. Dukes got his revenge this year, edging out Mcfarlane and retaining the crown for horses everywhere. For Geoffrey Allen, owner of Dukes Touch of Fun, the day was quite the success and he was very proud of his horse. “She deserves a good rest and some extra carrots now,” he said after the race.
beginning with the insane way people reacted, and overreacted to the accident that befell a horse. After all, in the end it is just a horse and this is no longer the 19th century and horses are unnecessary anymore except as rich guy status symbols. I love that these people who cared so much about Barbaro and somehow found inspiration or something in his attempts to recover could give a shit about actual people in the world. However, a horse that they never met, would never interact with, that could care less about you and your thoughts and that was the plaything of some rich people to prove how big their wallet-dicks are, was such a focal point in these crazy people’s clearly otherwise empty and pathetic lives.
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The Slanch Report 
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