The Slanch Report

Shaun Weiss may not be a household name to you, but I can almost guarantee you know his face.

If you don’t know him, I’ll give you a hint. He was in one of the top 4 trilogies of all-time, and those are, (in order of greatness): Lord of the Rings, Mighty Ducks, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Star Wars(Honorable mention: Three Ninjas). If you’re still not sure, then quite frankly, I don’t want to know you.

Regardless of your thoughts about the Mighty Duck movies, (that they are awesome is the only correct thought) all you need to know about Shaun Weiss’ character was that he played Greg Goldberg the fat, wise-cracking Jewish goalie. He always had a lame quip to offer up to Emilio Estevez or a nasty fart to let out at an inopportune moment. The portly Weiss had previously parlayed his bulk and quick-humor into some commercials, notably, this 1990s Pizza Hut classic:

Fear not though, after The Mighty Ducks he continued getting regular work, maintaining the same fleshy appearance in such varied works as The Mighty Ducks 2, The Mighty Ducks 3 or in a small role on the much-missed, Freaks and Geeks.

Clearly, he didn’t change much through his teen years. Apparently though, recognizing that as he was nearly 30 this year, he decided that his trademarked chubby cheeks were no longer worth maintaining. Choosing to take the easy route he took some (as yet to me unknown) steps to change himself (let’s assume that it was either dieting or meth.) I for one, find this deplorable. I mean, sure, I guess it’s better for him health-wise or some other similar do-gooder mantra, but tonight, while awaiting the endless cat-eye wisdom Joe Morgan would dispense upon me from Sunday Night Baseball, I saw this commercial:

Unfortunately, when watching that commercial it wasn’t until nearly half-way through that I was able to recognize Weiss as the Goldberg of my youth. Years past, he came on screen and I knew exactly who he was, tonight, he was no longer instantly recognizable. Weiss’ entire career before had been based on playing that marketable, loveable, hugable, squeezable jolly huskeroo. Now, he looks just like some dude. And honestly, kind of a lame one at that.

I don’t know if this is my issue or Shaun’s, (although my guess is that it is his, because it can’t be mine) but there needs to be a long look in the mirror and a decision needs to be made. Are you going to be the Shaun Weiss whom I admired and respected? The young man who earned his way to Los Angeles as member of the US Junior Goodwill hockey team, or the bland bumbling bad friend at appendix surgerhy guy featured in lame ESPN Verizon commercials. Which career will it be Shaun, WHICH WILL IT BE?

If you want to be immediately recognizable (particularly to me, which, let’s face it, you most likely do) than the choice is obvious. Choose the path of right.

Also, this HAS to be the longest anyone, who wasn’t his mother, has ever written anything about Shaun Weiss.