There are times when the Internet is a really beautiful thing. Take for instance my posting last month about Shaun Weiss, who as a teenager played the role of “Goldberg the Goalie” in the Mighty Ducks movies. It received some pretty good page views, seemed well liked, and then, I received this comment,
Hey, it’s Shaun Weiss. This article is HYSTERICAL and makes me feel famous again. Didn’t lose weight on purpose but the ‘Duck’ money ran out and I’m just not eating as many steaks! And hey, you still recognized me in less than 30 seconds, the other day I stood in line behind Ed Norton at Gelson’s for ten minutes and had no idea till someone told me- so there. And no. not even my mother has ever written anything that long about me. Quack-
Weiss.
I love the Internet! Also, he’s totally right, my first article IS hilarious. So I emailed Shaun and asked if he’d be down for an interview via email and he agreed. Come along as I strap on my outer Barbara Walters (gross…) and Shaun reveals the truth behind the Ducks movies and the seedy underbelly of American celebrity worship.
Slanch: If you could fight one other child sports actor who would it be?
Weiss: Thomas Ian Nicholas. That guy has always annoyed me and he used to carry around his guitar and sing Christian songs to everybody.
Watch your back Henry Rowengartner, Goldberg isn't the only one that wants to come after you...
S: Did it bother you how the Ducks were the best youth team in the world in D2, but only one player could get above the freshmen team in D3?
W: Not really, they were all older and bigger. An average squad of seniors should be able to handle some 15 year olds- no matter how good they are.
W: I used to, until one particular incident that you’ll have to research yourself. Google: Goldberg, Arrowhead Pond, VIP box, hooker,cocaine…
S: Has your girlfriend ever asked you to give her the “Flying V”?
W: No, but once in her sleep she did mumble something about craving a ‘knucklepuck’.
W: Yes. It’s a cheesy Disney movie.
KEENAN!
W: You think I had time to hang out with the fucking stunt doubles? Ha
S: Several of the “Ducks” were in other sports movies, for example, the girl who played Julie “The Cat” Gaffney was in Rookie of the Year, was there ever any competition because of that?
W: Only competition was to get in her goalie pants… and no- I didn’t.
Everyone wants to paw Julie's cat...
S: Was the set of Mighty Ducks just a massive orgy of drugs and non-stop casual sex?
W: Yes, but our parents and the producers wouldn’t let us hang out with them…
W: No
W: Few months ago at a friends birthday party. It really became part the lifestyle while fiming in MN at the time. It was the “IT” thing.
W: I’d do it but I doubt some of the other guys would.
W: Never been good with cash- they could’ve paid me ten mill and I’d have spent on stupid stuff
Mo' money Mo' Problems...
W: Probably spent over 50k on on my now useless collection of CD’s and VHS’s. And this one chick named Lisa.
W: C’mon. I’m even getting poon from my Verizon commercial.
W: If he means bad as in ‘baddass!’ then yes, I agree.
W: Hustling in LA, trying to get parts and produce some of my own stuff.
W: No. People are friendly and always have nice things to say, except for the occasional “Mighty ducks suck ya fat fuck!”.
W: Can’t fullfill that fantasy for you via e-mail. We’ll have to meet up some time and see.
W: Being imortalized on film. Whether you liked the movies or not, people will watch them till the end of… well, when people stop watching movies.
W: Yes I do actually. In the early nineties, when someone said Goldberg, they meant me until that bald headed prick came along. I’d kick his ass in anything that doesn’t involve physical activity. Especially some NHL on PS3.
W: Really bro? Just hot dogs and porno mags.
W: No but people do try to tape me on their phones at parties. Don’t they know all the juicy Youtube shit goes on in the bathroom?
_____
So, there you have it, from child star to hooker slayer to commercial success, the essence of the American Dream wrapped up in one single person. Inspirational.
The Slanch Report 
um, hilarious. way to go, shaun weiss, on having an excellent sense of humor about everything. to this day when i watch hockey, i still wonder if the flying V is feasible play. and the answer is always “no, of course not.”
Slanch, score one for team…you. One interview down, millions to go. Who’s next? My nomination: Anyone who had anything to do with Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Also, when did I become a Snood character?
very impressive work, my brother.
RE: Shatraw
i disagree, i think the flying v could work. In D2 the iceland team used brute strength to break it up, but if you had a powerful wall of protectors up front, like old school hockey players, then i think it could work, but only once, never again
Incredible. Seriously Slanch. You should be doing this for money. Then you too can blow it on an impressive collection of VHS tapes.
Also, who’s holding out on D4!?! Is it Banks?!? I fucking hate that rich kid.
i’m feening for themm to make he next moviee. i also wished you asked him who really dated who on the set of all three movies. i really want to know! that was be pretty awesome to read, since it looked like connie dated the whole cast, jk.
i hope they make a d4, and the whole cast comes back!!