16
May
08

The Most Definitive Interview of the Decade!


There are times when the Internet is a really beautiful thing. Take for instance my posting last month about Shaun Weiss, who as a teenager played the role of “Goldberg the Goalie” in the Mighty Ducks movies. It received some pretty good page views, seemed well liked, and then, I received this comment,

Hey, it’s Shaun Weiss. This article is HYSTERICAL and makes me feel famous again. Didn’t lose weight on purpose but the ‘Duck’ money ran out and I’m just not eating as many steaks! And hey, you still recognized me in less than 30 seconds, the other day I stood in line behind Ed Norton at Gelson’s for ten minutes and had no idea till someone told me- so there. And no. not even my mother has ever written anything that long about me. Quack-
Weiss.

I love the Internet! Also, he’s totally right, my first article IS hilarious. So I emailed Shaun and asked if he’d be down for an interview via email and he agreed. Come along as I strap on my outer Barbara Walters (gross…) and Shaun reveals the truth behind the Ducks movies and the seedy underbelly of American celebrity worship.

goldberg

Slanch: If you could fight one other child sports actor who would it be?

Weiss: Thomas Ian Nicholas. That guy has always annoyed me and he used to carry around his guitar and sing Christian songs to everybody.

Watch your back Henry Rowengartner, Goldberg isn't the only one that wants to come after you...

S: Did it bother you how the Ducks were the best youth team in the world in D2, but only one player could get above the freshmen team in D3?

W: Not really, they were all older and bigger. An average squad of seniors should be able to handle some 15 year olds- no matter how good they are.

S: Do you get free tickets to Anaheim Ducks games?

W: I used to, until one particular incident that you’ll have to research yourself. Google: Goldberg, Arrowhead Pond, VIP box, hooker,cocaine…

 

We’ve all had to kill a few hookers in our day…

 

(Go after the jump for the rest of the interview that will blow your brain; Emilio Estevez, Rollerblading, backstage orgies, oh my!)

S: Has your girlfriend ever asked you to give her the “Flying V”?

W: No, but once in her sleep she did mumble something about craving a ‘knucklepuck’.

S: Can you explain how the rules allow you to have someone else dress in your uniform and shoot a knucklepuck? or how you changed uniforms without anyone noticing?

W: Yes. It’s a cheesy Disney movie.

S: Was the stunt double who skated for Keenan cool?

KEENAN!

W: You think I had time to hang out with the fucking stunt doubles? Ha

S: Several of the “Ducks” were in other sports movies, for example, the girl who played Julie “The Cat” Gaffney was in Rookie of the Year, was there ever any competition because of that?

W: Only competition was to get in her goalie pants… and no- I didn’t.

l_8c90bf35421503fd192df3084c321114

Everyone wants to paw Julie's cat...

S: Was the set of Mighty Ducks just a massive orgy of drugs and non-stop casual sex?

W: Yes, but our parents and the producers wouldn’t let us hang out with them…

S: Emilio Estevez, you guys still in touch? He in your cell-phone?

W: No

S: When was the last time you went rollerblading?

W: Few months ago at a friends birthday party. It really became part the lifestyle while fiming in MN at the time. It was the “IT” thing.

S: Have you seen this Goonies reunion picture? Any chance of some Mighty Ducks reunions? Maybe a D4: Now our Kids Play! ?

W: I’d do it but I doubt some of the other guys would.

S: How long did the Ducks money last?

W: Never been good with cash- they could’ve paid me ten mill and I’d have spent on stupid stuff

Mo' money Mo' Problems...

S: What was the craziest thing you did with some of the money from the Ducks movies?

W: Probably spent over 50k on on my now useless collection of CD’s and VHS’s. And this one chick named Lisa.

S: Did you find being Goldberg helped or hurt your opportunities in the romantic arena?

W: C’mon. I’m even getting poon from my Verizon commercial.

S: One of my readers said he went to camp with you and you were a bad tennis player, care to comment?

W: If he means bad as in ‘baddass!’ then yes, I agree.

S: You’ve been doing lots of commercials recently, what’s coming up next for you?

W: Hustling in LA, trying to get parts and produce some of my own stuff.

S: I’ve found a lot of people finding my site searching for the espn commercial, most of them searching for you as “Goldberg,” does it bother you to be remembered for a character you played as a teenager?

W: No. People are friendly and always have nice things to say, except for the occasional “Mighty ducks suck ya fat fuck!”.

S: If I shot 10 pucks at you, how many would you actually stop, keeping in mind i blow at hockey?

W: Can’t fullfill that fantasy for you via e-mail. We’ll have to meet up some time and see.

S: What’s the best thing that you’ve got to do or received because of having been Goldberg?

W: Being imortalized on film. Whether you liked the movies or not, people will watch them till the end of… well, when people stop watching movies.

S: Do you resent Goldberg the wrestler? ever met him? assuming you wouldn’t beat him in a wrestling match, what sport or game would you best him in?

W: Yes I do actually. In the early nineties, when someone said Goldberg, they meant me until that bald headed prick came along. I’d kick his ass in anything that doesn’t involve physical activity. Especially some NHL on PS3.

S: What kind of intense character work did you use to get into the role of Goldberg? Stanislavsky? Sense-memory? Suzuki?

W: Really bro? Just hot dogs and porno mags.

S: Do you ever get paparrazzi after you?

W: No but people do try to tape me on their phones at parties. Don’t they know all the juicy Youtube shit goes on in the bathroom?

_____

So, there you have it, from child star to hooker slayer to commercial success, the essence of the American Dream wrapped up in one single person. Inspirational.


7 Responses to “The Most Definitive Interview of the Decade!”


  1. 1 shatraw
    May 16, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    um, hilarious. way to go, shaun weiss, on having an excellent sense of humor about everything. to this day when i watch hockey, i still wonder if the flying V is feasible play. and the answer is always “no, of course not.”

  2. May 16, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    Slanch, score one for team…you. One interview down, millions to go. Who’s next? My nomination: Anyone who had anything to do with Legends of the Hidden Temple.

  3. May 16, 2008 at 4:48 pm

    Also, when did I become a Snood character?

  4. 4 the sister
    May 16, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    very impressive work, my brother.

  5. 5 slanch
    May 17, 2008 at 3:04 am

    RE: Shatraw
    i disagree, i think the flying v could work. In D2 the iceland team used brute strength to break it up, but if you had a powerful wall of protectors up front, like old school hockey players, then i think it could work, but only once, never again

  6. 6 Wylie
    May 20, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    Incredible. Seriously Slanch. You should be doing this for money. Then you too can blow it on an impressive collection of VHS tapes.

    Also, who’s holding out on D4!?! Is it Banks?!? I fucking hate that rich kid.

  7. 7 annieee
    July 21, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    i’m feening for themm to make he next moviee. i also wished you asked him who really dated who on the set of all three movies. i really want to know! that was be pretty awesome to read, since it looked like connie dated the whole cast, jk.
    i hope they make a d4, and the whole cast comes back!!


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