Sometimes people just gift themselves over as blog fodder, like the couple busted for boning in the bathroom during the Iowa Hawkeyes’ rout of the Minnesota Gophers. The woman in question, who has subsequently been identified as Lois Feldman of Carroll, Iowa has said that this whole situation has ruined her life. Feldman, who calls herself a light drinker stated that she had some wine at a friend’s home before the game, and that that led to all the problems.
At some point during the game, she got up to go to the bathroom, and met Ross Walsh, who she decided to immediately rail in a men’s bathroom. I know that always happens to me when I get drunk. Feldman’s husband, a giant pussy of a man named Kelly, blames himself for the whole incident, believing that he should have gone with her to the bathroom. Kelly, if your 38 year old wife is unable to go to the bathroom without FUCKING SOME RANDO DUDE along the way, you have a lot of other issues going on in the marriage. Maybe that’s just me, but then again, MY wife didn’t fuck a stranger in a football stadium bathroom…How about instead of blaming yourself, blame your 38 year old wife, who is the mother to your three kids for not having any semblance of self-control. It’s one thing to be drunk and kiss someone, it’s quite another to instantly fuck them in a men’s bathroom with a crowd cheering you on.
Sadly, Feldman has been fired from her job, (although the reasoning behind that is beyond me) which is truly unfortunate, but her being upset at the notoriety she has received from this incident is ridiculous. She got drunk and instantly nailed a stranger in a bathroom, while her husband sat meekly in the stands, I have no sympathy for you. I’ve been drunk before, I even once was blackout drunk, you know what I didn’t do? Have sex with a stranger in a bathroom. I did make out with a poster for a little while, but I dare you to look at this poster and not be aroused.
Of course, Feldman and her husband went to see a lawyer about getting rid of the misdemeanor ticket, but according to Chuck Miner, a stadium security guard, “It’s spelled out in the law in Minnesota that intoxication is not a defense to any crime,” so good luck with that.
Meanwhile the mother of three and her husband are trying to move on with their lives. Here’s a suggestion to Kelly, when your wife gets drunk, apparently she fucks EVERYONE, so maybe lay off the wine coolers next time eh? Especially when going to a giant crowd of people. Or else who knows, next time she might be the halftime spectacular.
h/t to Graney and the Pig for digging up the Feldman photo
Football turns people on, 
New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson owns multiple car dealerships when he isn’t paying the bills for the team. As one way to sell some more cars, every year he parks a bunch of cars outside the team’s facility in the hope that some of the players and employees will buy a new set of wheels. The players apparently don’t appreciate this, particularly since he doesn’t cut them much of a deal. Which, I suppose is sort of fair, except that any professional football player can afford to buy a car without much of any concern about their checkbook. In order to express their displeasure, “more than one of the cars was coated in a certain byproduct of the human digestive system.”
Apparently Hines Ward doesn’t have enough to do breaking people’s jaws and catching passes from every football commentator’s dream man “Ben,” that he needs to take over the forecasting duties on local television. But then again, it’s not as though there is that much to actually do in Pittsburgh so, I guess this makes sense. As for his actual weather delivery skills, I’m not impressed, he’s too casual. This is the 5 day forecast! PEOPLE DEPEND ON THIS HINES! And c’mon, you can’t even wear a suit? I’m disappointed. After the jump see Hines’ foray into a new career.
The Slanch Report 
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