Things I Would Rather Watch Than NCAA Basketball

Today begins my least favorite sporting event of the year. I may not be the popular voice here, but there is nothing more uninteresting than college sports and especially the tournament. March Madness? More like March Badness! YES! EAT IT! Damn I’m full of wit today.

“But there are so many close games!” “The level of competition is so high!” “Buzzer-beater shots!” “Underdogs!”

Great. Do not care. You know why there are so many close games? Because most of the teams aren’t very good. If I wanted to watch boring basketball I’d be a WNBA fan. As for the underdogs, yeah, everyone loves a fun story but no one is ever a realistic chance to win. Even George Mason the other year was destined to get destroyed in the Final Four. Ultimately the top schools are going to win, and there will be no real surprises. Booooring.

I want nothing more than to NOT hear about your bracket, to not hear why Belmont has a chance to beat Duke (they don’t); I don’t want to see Digger Phelps, I REALLY don’t want to see Dick Vitale. This whole stupid event takes over the airwaves and it couldn’t be more uninteresting. I hate all college sports and don’t find them fun or good to watch at all. The overall level of competition is poor, the few stars of the college game aren’t usually even that good. For every Carmelo there are 16 Bobby Hurleys and Bryce Drews. College sports are quite simply the worst.

Here is a list of things I’d rather do than watch or deal with college sports and particularly the March Tournament:

  • A naked weekend romp with Joy Behar
  • Sponge-bathe John Clayton
  • More coverage of Brett Farve’s retirement and daily actions since retirement
  • Let Dmitri “The Meathook” Young run me over at home plate non-stop for 3 days
  • Have Charles Barkley take a crap on my chest
  • Watch Arena football
  • Coach a children’s soccer team filled with autistic kids
  • Watch the Joy Luck Club non-stop for a month
  • Get punched in the junk by everyone who has ever played a game for the Miami Dolphins

5 Responses to “Things I Would Rather Watch Than NCAA Basketball”

  1. 1 the roomate
    March 20, 2008 at 12:19 pm

    Uh-oh, I invited a bunch of dudes with tattered backwards college hoops hats and tattered, stainy frat sweatshirts for a march madness marathon/simultanious Halo 3 tournament/binge-drinking all weekend. You’re going out of town, right?

  2. 2 king grandiosity
    March 24, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    Question: Getting punched in the junk by the every person who ever played for the miami dolphins…

    would that be all at once? over the course of some time?

    Or can they strike at any time.

    Like, while you’re in the shower dan marino runs in and pops you… would that happen? Cause that would suck.

  3. 3 slanch
    March 25, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Hey, Dan is a hall of famer, he can punch me in the junk at any time. I think i would separate it into categories, obviously the scrubs who were never very good who played for the Dolphins would be separated, I think they all get one punch, after standing in line and waiting their turns. However, then I’d say anyone with at least 3 Pro Bowls would be invited to come punch my nuts in a specially arranged ceremony at Pebble Beach before a Pro-Am tournament. And then, any hall of famers would be allowed to do it any time, anywhere. It’d be an honor.

  4. 4 Sales
    March 25, 2008 at 11:48 am

    Clayton and Duper would have to be a tag team effort. I think that goes without saying.

  5. 5 slanch
    March 25, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    clearly. Also, i’d prefer if mercury morris and larry csonka did it together as well, but if because of travel constraints and such they are unable i’ll understand

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