Archive for the 'Olympics' Category

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28
Aug
08

SNL Taps Personality Challenged Athlete for Season Opener

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Olympics, Pop Culture and Television
Tags: , , ,

Michael Phelps, star of awkward television interviews throughout the Olympics, not to mention the INCREDIBLY awkward London segment of the Beijing closing ceremonies has been chosen to host the 34th season opener of Saturday Night Live. I can see the desire on SNL’s part, after all, Phelps is an incredible global phenomena right now and his presence should guarantee a nice audience from him alone. That said, he’s never shown, in any of his interviews, any sort of humorous abilities, or really much of a personality, so the SNL writers are going to have quite the journey ahead of them. I hope against hope that he decides to regrow this amazing facial hair for the show.

However, I am also incredibly distraught at the news that Phelps and my dream swimmer, Australian Stephanie Rice, who won 3 gold medals of her own, hooked up at the Olympics. The story came out while I was out in the woods and so I only just saw it today. Sure he’s a great swimmer and everything, but I thought she and I were going to have something really special. We still can, but it won’t ever be the same…

Also, one more reason to watch the SNL premier will be the debut of one of the funniest and nicest people I have ever known, SNL’s newest cast member and fellow improviser, Bobby Moynihan.

For some of the best athlete hosted sketches on SNL ever, check out this link from Fan IQ.

27
Aug
08

Shawn Johnson Causes Disasters

By slanch 3 Comments
Categories: Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , ,

While en route to an appearance on The David Letterman show, Shawn Johnson’s plane was delayed because of her mere appearance. Apparently, upon hearing that she was on the plane the pilot got too excited and banged his head, forcing him to get stitches. Now, Johnson is cute, in that “I’m a chipmunk except  actual chipmunks are bigger than me sort of way,” but I don’t understand all the grown male attention being thrown her way, after all, she IS only 16… Regardless, you have to be at a pretty special point in your life when, as an airline pilot, the greatest moment is when Shawn Johnson gets on your plane. I have to believe that the other pilots at the airport bar will be constantly ragging on this pilot for the rest of his career, or at least they should be. Leryn Franco? Sure, get excited. Any of the other hot olympians, why not. But c’mon dude, she’s 16 and traveling with her parents. You really think you’re going to go back there, introduce yourself and she’s going to just fall for you instantly. And another thing, why are you so into gymnastics, the more I think about it, the more this pilot is getting more and more suspect. I definitely don’t want to ever fly on a plane with a man who gets THAT excited by a teenager.

Among the other crazed Shawn Johnson fans were the Chinese boys who held up signs proposing marriage to her from the upper tiers in the gymnastics stadium. Nothing makes a girl’s heart swoon more than a complete stranger asking her to spend the rest of her life with them. I find that asking always makes for more problems and denials, a small bottle of ether does the trick just as well and besides, who doesn’t like being chained to a radiator. It worked in Black Snake Moan right? I mean, I never saw it, but they fell in love right?

21
Aug
08

My Preference is the Rhythm Method

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , ,

Gymnastics are always a crowd pleaser at the Olympics in terms of ratings, mostly because tiny, hot women who can bend their bodies in distinct ways are generally appealing to males. Almudena Cid is a a Spanish gymnast who performed in the rhythmic gymnastics competition, I have zero idea of how one is supposed to pronounce her name but I am able to recognize her hotnessosity. Any woman who is as flexible as she is is A-OK in my book. Cid, who is 28, has worked as a model for the underwear company, the Love Store and Nike, not to mention is one of the oldest gymnasts in the games this year and was not expected to contend for a medal at all, she is up there in the competition to become one of my future ex-wives though, so that’s a plus.

20
Aug
08

Her Name Was Lolo

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , ,

Lori “Lolo” Jones is an American hurdler who has won several national championships and a world championship in her main event, the 60 meter hurdles. Also, before the games it was rumored that she was going to race a horse but it turns out that was a hoax. Despite clipping the final hurdle in the finals of 100 meter hurdles at the games the other night, she’s still a winner to me, and really, for all of us. Only 26, she may be too old for the 2012 games, but I think she’s going to come back and dominate. Born in the heartland in Iowa, Lolo is as American as they come, and I for one want to celebrate her as a wonderful American hero, preferably on a romantic dinner date to my apartment where I chloroform her and we live a happy life together forever.

19
Aug
08

Even I Don’t Have THAT Much Free Time

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Olympics and Random
Tags: , , , , ,

Brian Berg is a world champion cardstacker and showed the full levels of his expertness when, over 20 days(!), he created exact replicas of the Olympic stadiums. The fact that he was able to make the girders and holes that in the Bird’s Nest is simply incredible and very impressive. Then again, to get to that skill level requires years of sitting in your basement building card houses that get knocked over as soon as your Mom comes downstairs with cookies and juice, so there are trade offs I suppose. I definitely don’t have the patience for something like this, I think the first time a card fell off and a whole section came down I’d probably immediately go on another 6 state killing spree, and I just don’t think I can handle that again. Imagine being on a date and telling a girl that you’re a professional card stacker, how long after you drop a bomb like that do they leave, 5 minutes? After dessert? I have to imagine that if you are a pro card stacker though that you’re not getting laid that often anyways, after all, if a project like this takes 20 days you probably don’t have much opportunity…

[FanIQ via Gizmodo]

19
Aug
08

Everyone Synchronize Your Watches

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , , , , ,

I may have gotten suckered by my own dyslexia on a sham synchronized swimming story, but Jenna Randall, 19, of Great Britain is all real, and a tasty morsel for the eyes. She definitely has a Kristin Cavalieri-look about her, but unlike Cavalieri, Randall is actually talented so, there is that one big difference. It is also interesting that at one point, Randall counted Laguna Beach as one of her favorite television shows. When she isn’t in the pool swimming in coordination with others, she’s a student in college in England. I don’t think they do mixed teams in synchronized swimming, but I think she and I are the perfect groundbreaking duo and I’m ready to make history with her. Join us in the gallery below the jump as we get a chance to follow Jenna from birthday cakes to pole dancing.

Of course, for Jenna and all the other fine athletes of the day for these Beijing Olympics, check out this page for lots of fun times.

Continue reading ‘Everyone Synchronize Your Watches’

18
Aug
08

Beware the Mighty Gaydarski

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , , , ,

After months of bilateral negotiations, Bulgarian human superweapon Krasimir Gaydarski has been deployed to Beijing for the Olympics at the host country’s request in order to help prevent any potentially fabulous protests while the games are underway. To maintain cover, he has been assigned a role as a mid-blocker on the men’s volleyball team. Thanks to months of undercover research, we here at The Slanch Report were able to bring you this story, at much personal peril.

No word on how this might affect the international Jonas Brothers futures market.

h/t to loyal reader mattraw

18
Aug
08

Doubles Anyone? (UPDATED!)

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Tennis
Tags: , , ,

France has elected to send two of her finest tennis players to the Olympics. Their talent on the courts I’m not so sure about, but their ability to titillate to me is beyond compare. My preferred partner would be Olivia Sanchez, 25, but the idea of pairing up with Alize Cornet, 18, is not an unpleasant. Sure Cornet’s nostrils seem a little too flared, but I can look past that if she can throw some power slams down on the balls. ed. to add: I was feeling bad that the photos of Olivia Sanchez weren’t truly representative of how hot she was, so I searched and found some even better ones, they are below in the gallery, viva la France!

For all the other hot Olympians of the day check out the page here and keep checking back everyday for the newest one.

Alize Cornet

Alize Cornet

Olivia Sanchez

15
Aug
08

Everyone Must Get Estoned

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , , ,

Jana Kolukanova, 27, swims for the Estonia swim team in the Olympics, although she also attended and swam for Auburn University here in the good ol’ US of A where she was a psychology major, when she’s not doing either of those things she remains incredibly hot. That is TRUE athleticism. So, continuing our Hot Olympic Athlete Of The Day progress, enjoy some of the finer moments with Ms. Jana Kolukanova, who enjoys swimming, thinking about me, and pining for our future together.

15
Aug
08

The Chinese Show Their Sportsmanship

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches, Olympics and Soccer
Tags: , , , , ,

52 minutes into their soccer match, Chinese athletics took a sharp nosedive from respectability when Tan Wangsong kicked Belgian soccer player Sebastien Pocognoli directly into the nuts. Apparently Pocognoli’s wang wasn’t enough of a chanteuse for the Chinese and thus this necessary step had to be taken. Wangsong’s was the first of two Chinese red cards in the game, in which they eventually lost, the second coming when the team captain elbowed someone.

These types of incidents are not unknown amongst the Chinese soccer set though, in fact, they are almost common. The Chinese take a lot of pride in soccer, despite their team only qualifying for one World Cup, (Japan/Korea) where they were held without a goal for the entire tournament. After losing to Brazil in an Olympic game, there was a mini-riot outside the stadium until police came and broke it up, so this craziness is not just left to the players on the pitch.

“Most of the men’s soccer players are poorly educated,” Xu Guoqi a professor at Kalamazoo College and author on a book regarding Chinese soccer said, “One soccer player even tried to stab somebody to death in a bar fight.”Among the other poor activities on the men’s soccer team include in March 2007, a former goalkeeper for the national team, Liu Yunfei, being arrested on drug charges. Another goalie, An Qi, was caught with a prostitute in a hotel in 2005. But then again, who amongst us HASN’T been caught with a Chinese prostitute at least once?

14
Aug
08

I Hope He Wins 50 Gold Medals

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: ,

Forget Michael Phelps, everyone else can just pack it in, Australia has the best athlete in all of these games. Ladies and gentleman, I introduce you to Kamikaze, an Australian cyclist. Born James Hildenbrandt, he legally changed his name to Kamikaze. I have no idea if he is a contender of any sorts for any medals but I’m going to say he’s going to dominate and destroy every cycling record that ever existed. Also, when he’s not cycling, Kamikaze is a boilermaker which is totally awesome. You just know that as soon as his events are done Kamikaze is going out on the town and getting rip-roaring drunk, like destructive drunk. We should totally party together. Kamikaze, come to NYC and we’ll have a great time!

14
Aug
08

Who Knew Badminton Was So Cute?

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , ,

Tania Luiz, a 25 year old Australian is competing in the badminton event in Beijing, and while my interest in badminton before consisted mainly of being drunk and playing it in my friends’ yards, with or without the proper equipment, now I feel like my interest is growing. Perhaps Tania someday will play with my shuttlecock and whack it around with a racquet. I mean, um, well, sigh, you know what I mean.

When she’s not on the badminton court she’s a student at the Monash University in Victoria, Australia; I need to get back to college so I can go there to study a broad. Unfortunately badminton athletes don’t usually get lots of publicity and so, despite her cuteness, there is a death of quality pictures available online. Hopefully this blog posting will catapault her into the world’s consciousness. Anyway, enjoy Cutie McCuterson Tania Luiz and the photos below as our quest to unearth all the fine athletes of the Beijing games continues.

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