Archive for May 1st, 2009


Swine Flu Attacks Foreheads Across the Nation!

Now, far be it from me to say that the semi-mass hysteria regarding swine flu is ridiculous, just because it is a media created pandemic as compared to, you know, an ACTUAL pandemic doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of fools to take it seriously. Right now I’m on a bus to Boston, and these are the two winners sitting across the aisle from me.  Unless they are aliens with second breathing apparatuses on the tops of their foreheads I don’t quite understand the surgical masks. What purpose do they serve not being worn? Is it a fashion statement? Because if so it’s a stupid one. They came onto the bus, not wearing them, then put them on for about a minute, then TOOK THEM OFF to eat their Chipotle burritos and the masks have since remained entrenched on their foreheads. I’m sure they’re both nice guys, but c’mon, don’t get sucked in by a bored media desperate for any story to hammer into the ground. And really, if this were a real pandemic that you might get sick from those masks aren’t going to be enough. You’d be better off ducking and covering.

img00064Call me crazy but I’d prefer to think of these two as the crazies and ME as the sane voice of reason out here in the wilderness.


I Can See Your Kidneys and Other Internal Organs

When the Celtics announced they were adding a dance team I was saddened, the team didn’t need it, Red would NEVER have wanted it and you know, they’re kinda lame. But, then there are moments that it is a good thing the team has these luscious ladies. For instance, say you wanted to go to medical school and weren’t quite sure what the female form looked like, well, Yahoo Sports (who featured this photo in their recap of game 5) and the Celtics Dancers are here to help, serving the community; the NBA where home gynecology happens.


Yikes. And thank you. And yikes again.

This is the lovely Alison of the Boston Celtics Dance Team, a real estate agent and former New England Patriot Cheerleader who has been involved with 2 Super Bowl champions and of course, the Celtics victory last season. She’s our lucky mascot. And possibly a future ex-Mrs. Slanch.

[Blaze of Love]


Is There a Word Stronger Than Domination?

fico_wideOh Patrick Schuster got all the initial publicity for his 4 no-hitter streak — despite him being a marginal draft prospect for MLB this year and likely to go to college instead — but his streak is NOTHING compared to the sheer MASTERY of Rachele Fico, a senior softball player for Masuk High School in Connecticut.

For example, on Wednesday she pitched a perfect game, striking out 20 of 21 batters, with the only contact made coming on the second to last out. The perfect game was her 4th CONSECUTIVE perfect game and her 43rd(!!!!!!) no-hitter all-time; alas it was merely her 7th THIS season.

“For four years [the other teams have] been cheering for foul tips,” said Masuk coach Jacqui Sheftz. “To the other teams’ credit, they are coming out here and taking their cuts … but Rachel right now is at the top of her game.”

Then on Thursday, showing the heart of a champion Fico went out and pitched ANOTHER no-hitter, although she lost the perfect game by walking a batter. On the season in 11 games, she has now given up 2 hits and 2 walks. Total. For the season. 4 base runners. Total. Unbelievable. Her season ERA is .006. For her high school career Fico has gone a robust 90-2. I can’t stop making declarative sentences.

Of course, Fico actually says she prefers HITTING over pitching, like on Wednesday when in addition to her on the mound mastery, she threw in a 4-4 performance at the plate, including a home run and a double. Not too shabby. Rachel will toe the slab next year for LSU, currently ranked the 22nd best team in the country. Methinks Fico might have something to do with seeing that ranking rise a bit…

[Online Sports Guys]


Yeah, That’s Not a “Book” Book

sarah2Now I’m a man who enjoys a bit of whimsy mixed in with his days, and I can always appreciate a bit of good humor; however, I’m not so certain that’s what is going on here.

Meet Sarah, a member of the Washington Capitals’ Red Rockers, the on-ice dance and cheerleading team and she really REALLY liked Pirates of the Caribbean based on her answers on her informational page. For instance, when asked her favorite movie, she says “Pirates of the Caribbean,” so using my investigative skills I determine she likes that movie. Further, when asked two desert island questions, both come back to pirates and piracy (because let’s face it, pirates are hot right now; the Urban Pirate look is going to become big, I guarantee it!):

If you are on a deserted island and could have one song play what would it be and why? Any song from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” soundtrack, because I’d obviously be looking for buried treasure if I were on a deserted island…
If you are on a deserted island and can have one person with you of historical or celebrity status dead or alive who would it be and why?
I suppose if I were on a deserted island it would help to have a professional pirate there to help me look for buried treasure. I’d choose Blackbeard.

OK, so, no big deal, she’s just a financial analyst who REALLY likes big budget plot-less marketing movies, nothing too wrong there, maybe it’s a little vapid, but who am I to judge?

Of course, then there is this, when asked her favorite book she replies with “Facebook.” First off, that’s not a book. Second off, I weep for America. Or rather, if I weren’t such a strong-willed masculine piece of manhunk I’d weep; because I am those things instead I eat a hunk of raw meat and put on a muscle tee. But it’s inherently the same concept. Thirdly, there are myriad answers that could be used for that question and she quite simply chose the WORST possible answer. She may have lost the chance to ever sleep with me.

Also, when did hockey ever need cheerleaders?

[Washington Capitals]

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May 2009