Archive for May 11th, 2009

11
May
09

Fan Upset that Big Baby Bumped His Precious

After Glen “Big Baby” Davis hit the game-winning shot last night he was justifiably excited, he ran down the court almost in amazement that he actually hit the shot. Along the way, he bumped into a 12 year old fan who was sitting courtside; in predictable look-at-me over-reactive American society, the adolescent’s father sent a letter today to the NBA demanding an apology.

Ernest Provetti, the father of 12 year old Nicholas said that Davis crossed the line, literally, and knocked his son’s baseball hat off and embarrassed his son.

“The NBA makes it clear to not cross the sideline,” he said in a telephone interview. “If I cross that line, the NBA will take away my tickets. It’s a double standard.”

Well, the way I see it, you’re there to SEE THE PLAYERS, if a PLAYER makes a GAME-WINNING, SERIES SAVING SHOT and stumbles a little as he falls backwards from the shot and in his exuberance happens to touch your little snowflake who happens to be RIGHT next to the floor, then you get the FUCK OVER IT.

Of course, when a player DIVES for a ball into the stands and lands on people, everyone has no problem with this, although, apparently in Provetti’s mind the player should be kicked out of the arena. YOU ARE THERE TO SEE THE PLAYERS, NO ONE IS THERE TO SEE YOU.

According to Provetti, in his letter he said that Davis acted like a “raging animal with no regard for fans’ personal safety.” Well, first off Ernest, you’re a douchebag. Secondly, I’ve watched the video, your son gets BUMPED and then Davis moves on. Big Baby did NOT throw your son into the seats, and if the kid did fall over, he should learn how to stand better. But sure, why not take the opportunity to get your name on the news, who knows, maybe you can get a lawsuit out of this.

“How do you like to be a 12-year-old and see a raging lunatic coming at you?” Provetti said today. Well, if I were 12 years old and my Dad got me courtside seats to a playoff game I’d shut my fucking mouth and be happy for ANYTHING. Glen Davis got his sweat on me? AWESOME, THANKS DAD! I guess Provetti’s little bundle of special is too sensitive for that. I hope Child Services comes by and removes Nicholas from his father and instead he can learn to be a member of society that DOESN’T coddle you and make you a soft pussy whiny asshole. Of course, that’s probably too much to ask. Nicholas, I’m sorry y0u have such an fuck-hole for your dad.

I hate people.

[Orlando Sentinel]

11
May
09

They Always Destroy Those We Love Most

Sad news today; those pictures from the Panamanian cricket game that seemed too good to be true were just that. Careful investigation by The Rap Up has discovered that the initial doubts were justified, these photos were photoshopped. Why must the world conspire to take away the best among us? Here is the ORIGINAL photo prior to being altered; still nice, but not out of this world.

realSigh.

[The Rap Up]

11
May
09

No Shoes, No Shirt, Enjoy Your PGA Tour Card

John Daly continues to ooze class out of his swamp-assed shorts; here he is giving an interview while playing golf shirtless and shoeless at a place called Murder Rock Golf Club.

On a side note, why name a place “Murder Rock,” doesn’t come off as very family-friendly…

11
May
09

Without Boner Ads I Wouldn’t Know About Priapism

MassiveErectionYou may — or may not — have heard that America is waist-deep in a recession; that we are currently engaged in two wars, neither of which show signs of letting up anytime soon and those are just some of the many issues facing our elected representatives in Congress.

So, with all these big issues on the table, I’m glad to hear that Congressman Bill Brady from Pennsylvania is making strides to fix the things that are truly wrong in this country. Brady has introduced a bill that would ban all Viagra, Cialis, and male sexual enhancement product adds on TV and radio from 6 am to 10 pm. FINALLY!

The reason for this piece of legislation?

I’m watching TV with my two granddaughters and it was a little embarrassing and I think it was bad that they asked me, ‘What is erectile dysfunction?’ And I stumble along and they’re too young to understand it and they’re much too young to learn about the birds and the bees yet….If they’re on a show and you don’t want your kids to see a certain show, you don’t put that show on, but you can’t control when the commercials come on. I think that it’s the wrong place, on a Saturday afternoon and a Sunday afternoon, these shows are dominated [by these commercials].

Brady knows, of course, that this isn’t the most important issue facing the nation right now but at the same time, children are hearing words like “ERECTILE” on TELEVISION!

I’m worried about other things too but we can do more than one thing at a time. It isn’t like Viagra is all I’m worried about. This is another thing that I think will help the family get back together, where you can sit down and watch a TV show or watch a sporting event with your children, with your family on a Sunday afternoon and not have to put up with explaining what a male enhancement is or what is an erectile dysfunction.

Want to explain things to your grandkids? Tell them that the pharmaceutical companies discovered that they could make more money by making adults have more “happy time” rather than providing cures, preventions or vaccinations that the public as a whole needs. Tell them that the profit margin in making Grampa’s boner go “boing” is much better than helping the millions of people who have come to rely on the overly-exorbitant priced prescription pills despite there being the exact same pills for a quarter of the price located just over the Canadian border. Tell the kids its about greed and avarice. They’ll understand that. It’s the American way!

If we didn’t have boner pill ads we wouldn’t hear about Priapism, which I love because it is named after the Greek god Priapus from the myth that he was punished by the other gods for attempting to rape a goddess, by being given a huge, but useless, set of wooden genitals. Now that’s something I can get behind!

[Sports Radio Interviews]

11
May
09

Because Lesbo McMuff Wasn’t Available

1244360Stephen F. Austin University made a hiring last week for their women’s softball team, bringing in new head coach Gay McNutt who spent the last 7 years at Southern Miss.

McNutt’s teams have won five conference championships and finished in the league’s Top 5 on three other occasions, with four NCAA Regional Tournament appearances.

“I’m very pleased to announce Gay McNutt as our new softball coach,” Athletic Director Robert Hill said. “Coach McNutt has already proven she can win in the Southland Conference, and I think she is the person who will turn our softball program into a conference power.”

[SFA Jacks ]

11
May
09

Ken Griffey is Good at Following Instructions

picasion.com_c425ef58619a6491a4443a53af4ee6beDuring yesterday’s tilt against the Minnesota Twins, Ken Griffey Jr. went deep for the third time this year, and in the process won one lucky fan $25,000 thanks to hitting his homer into the Subway Hit it Here sign hanging in the Metrodome.

Of course, Griffey has practice at this sort of thing like in this commercial from his first tour with the Mariners.

That commercial is so old that he’s hitting balls out of the KINGDOME. Awesome.

Also, apologies on having to use an animated gif, but MLB still doesn’t allow anyone to share or embed their videos at all, which is nothing less of infuriating.




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