Archive Page 179

20
Mar
08

Things I Would Rather Watch Than NCAA Basketball

By slanch 5 Comments
Categories: Basketball
Tags: , , , ,

Today begins my least favorite sporting event of the year. I may not be the popular voice here, but there is nothing more uninteresting than college sports and especially the tournament. March Madness? More like March Badness! YES! EAT IT! Damn I’m full of wit today.

“But there are so many close games!” “The level of competition is so high!” “Buzzer-beater shots!” “Underdogs!”

Great. Do not care. You know why there are so many close games? Because most of the teams aren’t very good. If I wanted to watch boring basketball I’d be a WNBA fan. As for the underdogs, yeah, everyone loves a fun story but no one is ever a realistic chance to win. Even George Mason the other year was destined to get destroyed in the Final Four. Ultimately the top schools are going to win, and there will be no real surprises. Booooring.

I want nothing more than to NOT hear about your bracket, to not hear why Belmont has a chance to beat Duke (they don’t); I don’t want to see Digger Phelps, I REALLY don’t want to see Dick Vitale. This whole stupid event takes over the airwaves and it couldn’t be more uninteresting. I hate all college sports and don’t find them fun or good to watch at all. The overall level of competition is poor, the few stars of the college game aren’t usually even that good. For every Carmelo there are 16 Bobby Hurleys and Bryce Drews. College sports are quite simply the worst.

Here is a list of things I’d rather do than watch or deal with college sports and particularly the March Tournament:

  • A naked weekend romp with Joy Behar
  • Sponge-bathe John Clayton
  • More coverage of Brett Farve’s retirement and daily actions since retirement
  • Let Dmitri “The Meathook” Young run me over at home plate non-stop for 3 days
  • Have Charles Barkley take a crap on my chest
  • Watch Arena football
  • Coach a children’s soccer team filled with autistic kids
  • Watch the Joy Luck Club non-stop for a month
  • Get punched in the junk by everyone who has ever played a game for the Miami Dolphins
20
Mar
08

Cubs Players Wreck Coach’s Life

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball and Funny
Tags: , , ,

You may have seen news of a prank several Cubs pitchers pulled on their strength coach where they destroyed his 1995 Nissan Sentra and then later gave him a brand new SUV. After seeing the brand new car that they had purchased for him, Tim Buss, the coach in question said, “They’re great guys.” That may be, but, after seeing how happy they made him can only lead to the Cubs pitchers who pulled this prank to take it further and further. Bolstered by hs reaction, they have already planned several new pranks. Thanks to the federal government illegal wire-tapping, the Slanch Report has hacked into their emails and found out what is planned for later in the season.

  • 5/08 – Kerry Wood and Jon Lieber in mid May will enter Buss’ home, throw a grenade in his kitchen and run away. Later they will purchase him a new Maytag Dishwasher.

Continue reading ‘Cubs Players Wreck Coach’s Life’

19
Mar
08

Red Sox Stand Strong (UPDATED)

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball and Boston
Tags: , , , , ,

Presumably there is an agreement of some sort as the stadium announcer just announced to a big cheer from the crowd that the spring training game between the Jays and Sox will start at 1:10. Likely something has been solved or else the Sox wouldn’t be going out there.

I’ll update as soon as I hear anything new.

Continue reading ‘Red Sox Stand Strong (UPDATED)’

19
Mar
08

Red Sox Stand Strong

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball, Boston and Conspiracies
Tags: , , , , ,

It’s not often that multimillionaires think of others, (hello, Mr. Google, my bank account would like to meet you…) but I for one am glad at the action of the Red Sox right now.

Unhapy that MLB was going against their promise of paying the coaches the same appearance fee as was promised the players, the Red Sox are refusing to play their spring training game against the Blue Jays right now.

For many of the coaches the $40,000 appearance fee they were originally promised represents two-thirds of their salary.

While the game is being delayed because of this dispute, the Sox players are all out on the field signing autographs for the fans who are awaiting the game, just one more example of how well they are handling this whole situation.

(more after the jump)

Continue reading ‘Red Sox Stand Strong’

19
Mar
08

O Say Can You See

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Basketball and Boston
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Last night the Celtics met up with the Houston Rockets, owners of the second longest win-streak in NBA history, and when the game was over the Rockets had been shot down. It only makes sense that the Celtics would be the ones to beat them, after all, our football team from New England? The Patriots. Those awesome missiles that shoot down rockets? The Patriot. Made by? Raytheon. Home base? Massachusetts.

It was preordained by God. Or, if we want to use his real name, Red Auerbach.

The first half was somewhat exciting, ending up in a 40-40 tie with neither team having a real advantage. For a little while the Rockets made a run, at one point going up by 8 but the Celts came back and tied it up.

Once the second half started the Rockets had no chance. Their star player shot 4-11 from the field, and no one on the Rockets had more than 15 points. Meanwhile the Celtics defense was RELENTLESS, holding the Rockets to 33% shooting. Final score? Celts 94, Rockets 74. If it weren’t for a last second shot, the Celts would have won by 23, the number of games that the Rockets were going for, hows that for symmetry. Continue reading ‘O Say Can You See’

18
Mar
08

Things that WILL make Tommy Lasorda Cry

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , ,

Dodgertown is closing after this spring training as you may have heard, and Tommy Lasorda was on hand for the final game. The legendary manager came close to tears, but never took the final plunge. With real manager Joe Torre in China with the rest of the Dodgers, Lasorda has been managing the team that remains, going a robust 1-6.

Too strong a man to cry after seeing 60 years of history end, Tommy does have real emotions, strong men also cry you know.

Here are some of the things that actually have made Tommy Lasorda cry over the years.

  • 1981, Rick Sutcliffe had been Rookie of the Year in 1979, now Lasorda left him off the playoffs roster, so Sutcliffe wrecks Tommy’s office, flipping over his desk, breaking chairs, etc. Tommy comes back in, sees his precious glass menagerie destroyed and his gentleman caller gone, bawls for 13 hours straight.
  • While at the screening for Ladybugs with Jonathan Brandis, in which he had a bit part, Tommy realizes that there is no way Seaquest DSV will get renewed for a new season. Tear Time: 7 hours

(More after the jump) Continue reading ‘Things that WILL make Tommy Lasorda Cry’

18
Mar
08

Not to Keep Piling On But…

By slanch 15 Comments
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , ,

The Nationals expect that Shawn Hill, who was likely going to be the #1 starter for the Nats (Ugh,) is not going to break camp with the team. I like GM Jim Bowden’s approach here, generally mediocre pitcher, combined with arm surgeries just this past November, sounds like an ace to me!

“My little fastball goes just 85/I had three surgeries now I can’t vie”
17
Mar
08

Keeping the -Ass in Classy Governing

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Funny, Poor Governing and Random
Tags: , , , , ,

newgov2.jpg

Ready to lead into scandal on day 1!

17
Mar
08

Manny’s Book Club

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball, Boston and Fine Reading
Tags: , , , , ,

Manny Ramirez has been involved in plenty of controversies and other circus like actions throughout his career, particularly as a member of the Red Sox. However, over the weekend these two little bon mots appeared in the respective Boston newspapers, from the Boston Herald, “Ramirez has talked about his new commitment to yoga and meditation at the urging of his uncle. He is reading “The Secret” (Spanish version).” And then from Nick Cafardo in the Boston Globe, “Apropos of nothing…4. Something I never thought I’d see: Manny Ramírez sitting in the clubhouse, engrossed in a book that he’s marking with a pink highlighter.”

Now, call me crazy, but Manny, known more for his reticence in speaking with the media and his bizarre antics than for being a voracious reader doesn’t strike me as the type of man who is reading multiple books at any given time. Therefore, we can safely presume that the book he was so engrossed in and highlighting was the one and the same, The Secret.

It turns out that this is not something new in Manny Ramirez’s life, every year he arrives at spring training with a helpful new tome to guide him that season. As he wants to stay in Boston for the next few years, he has released some of this information to us, in the hard-hitting media of blogs for public consumption and I present it to you now

Continue reading ‘Manny’s Book Club’

14
Mar
08

Say it Ain’t Mo!

By slanch 3 Comments
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , , , ,

Wily Mo Pena has been diagnosed with an oblique injury and will likely be out for 4 weeks.

Nationals Pena Baseball

It looks like the World Series dreams for the Nationals are gone now.

I thought they had a great chance too…

14
Mar
08

It’s Good to be a Phenom

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball, Hot Women and Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , ,

Clay Buchholz, the star Red Sox prospect who threw a no-hitter in his second major league start, already is enjoying the life of a baseball superstar.

According to his father on a radio show on Boston’s Only Home for Classic Rock, WZLX, “I know he’s met her, gone out with her, but I don’t know if you consider that dating . . . but hey, a boy could do worse. It doesn’t surprise me any. Last year up in Boston he was dating a Victoria’s Secret model, so he’s moving up the ladder…I mean, he’s got pretty good taste.”

Oh yeah, this is the she that his dad is referring to:

erica-ellyson-penthouse-pet

2008 Penthouse Pet of the Year, Erica Ellyson.

And this is Clay’s feeling on the matter,

claybuchholz

Once we look past the mild creepiness of his father really enjoying his son’s sex life, it seems that for Buchholz, who is likely to break camp with the Sox, life certainly seems to be moving in a positive direction.

(Some NSFW pics after the jump)
Continue reading ‘It’s Good to be a Phenom’

14
Mar
08

It Depends on What Your Definition of “They’re” Is

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Funny, Movies, Pop Culture and Random
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Thanks to the internet, it is a rare occasion these days for me to enter a video store but recently, when I was in upstate NY some friends and I decided to rent some movies. While in the store, we HAD to check out the adult section, if only as a sociological survey to see what was enticing the peoples of upstate New York.

Turns out upstate is all about the anal. But that’s a digression. In the porn section I came across this high-brow title.

3220065135_bd997534c5

Call me old fashioned, but I miss the days when pornos weren’t just rushed out the door immediately after filming. The days when some grizzled old sketchy dude in the valley, wearing a Gold’s Gym tank top and flip-flops over his yellowing toe-nails would at least glance at the cover to a movie before shipping it out to the masses.

Oh the golden years. It seems those days have long past.

Where I am confused by this movie is; if these women are slutty mothers, how are they also husbands? Are they their own husbands? Do they lead bigamous lives with two families, one where they are the husband and one they are the wife? And are they incredibly horny? Or merely presenting an homage to little-discussed Russian author Andrei Bely? Is this a tranny flick? It wasn’t labeled as such and it’d be a shame to mislead the good denizens of the Stone Ridge area.

I was forcibly dragged out of the room and overruled by my narc friends on renting the film.

These questions still haunt me…

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