During his pursuit of the top of the leaderboard at the Master’s yesterday, a hard-charging man-boobed Phil Mickelson seemed poised to maybe pull off a great upset. After shooting a robust 30 on the front nine, Phil came awfully close to wearing the green jacket once more. The fans in the galleries were right there with Phil, living and dying on every shot; some fans even found themselves getting excited by the play in front of them. Take for instance, this man who amidst the excitement of Mickelson’s birdie on 15 went for a boob grab. His wife/girlfriend/whatever wasn’t too upset by it, but she also wasn’t too psyched. I’m just glad he didn’t take anything out of his golf bag, after all, you shouldn’t be using a wood on the fairway anyways…
Archive for April, 2009
Birdies Make Me Grabby
Doors Can be Tricky…
I don’t know what it is about baseball players that inspires such wacky injures; maybe it’s too much downtime, maybe they just aren’t that bright, I dunno, but just type in “bizarre baseball injuries” on a search engine to come up with hundreds of examples of ballplayer silliness.
Young Cincinnati Reds outfielder Chris Dickerson is the latest casualty to make it into the weird injury annals, sustaining a large bump on his forehead thanks to an unfortunate run-in, with a hotel revolving door.
My ‘real’ story is I hit my head on the rim during a celebrity slam dunk contest,” Dickerson joked. “They do need to do something about that door. It’s a deathtrap waiting to happen. I can only imagine what happens with people less coordinated than me. I’m a little clumsy, but a pretty coordinated guy. I should be able to fly through that thing easy. I struggle with it every day.
Now, I get that many baseball players are not the definition of athletic, but you’d think a simple revolving door wouldn’t be too much for someone whose life has been built around athletic feats. Perhaps, from now on, Dickerson should have the hotel doormen take care of opening passages for him…
[MLB.com]
Quite the Recovery
When it comes to NASCAR, I don’t have any interest whatsoever, I certainly don’t understand the appeal and would be fine with it disappearing completely. Unfortunately, there’s a whole lot of dumb people in this country, and I should know, I saw a lot of them at Applebee’s last night…
Anyways, I will say that Joe Nemecheck does some pretty impressive driving moves in this clip from the Saturday’s Pepsi 300. It’s one thing to flip over, it’s quite another to flip over going 200 MPH and then recover enough to keep driving like nothing happened and avoid hitting the wall.
Almost One Step From Anarchy
The Boston Red Sox were extremely fortunate that their home opener had to be postponed; were it not fans at the game would likely have been without a most important condiment, ketchup. Consider the butterfly effect, wherein the flapping of a butterfly’s wings can have great affect long-term, because the Sox may have just avoided such a catastrophe. In Sydney, Ohio, far away from Yawkey Way, a truck was stolen by a disgruntled employee, that wouldn’t seem to have any relation to the Red Sox, but it turns out the truck was carrying 996 bottles of Heinz ketchup ultimately destined to arrive at Fenway. Instead, Christopher Kindle (right), in a dispute with his trucking company, stole the truck and disappeared. The company didn’t notice until they received an email stating the truck had never arrived at its intended destination in Norton, MA. After finding out the importance of the ketchup, the company dispatched another truck and actively sought to find the first one. Police ultimately caught up with Kindle, who lead them to the truck’s location, in Baxter, Tennessee, far far far away from any delicious Fenway Franks.
Had the game not been delayed, it is possible that Opening Day at Fenway would have seen a lot of naked hot dogs, missing America’s favorite ketchup. Had there been no ketchup, angry fans might have thrown wrappers on the field, there, a Sox player might have slipped, injuring himself for the season, flushing the team’s championship hopes down the drain one game into the season. The thought of returning to mediocrity with our baseball team might have turned New England (even more) into a giant wallowing pit of misery, leading to depression, causing mass absences from schools and job sites around the region. This massive slow-down on the economy, coupled with the larger recession would lead to financial disaster for most of the banks and larger corporations in the area, following their collapse, and the inevitable fall into anarchy that would ensue, it is likely that by the end of this weekend, people would be cannibalizing their neighbors, living in the woods with painted faces, wearing fur clothes and without any sense of order and society.
All thanks to no ketchup.
We should all be thankful that second truck was rapidly dispatched!
Wonder What’s On His Mind
The Chicago White Sox sometimes go by the moniker of The Pale Hose, but I was unfamiliar with this nickname for the team…
Scouting the Competition?
I guess when your entire specious claim to celebrity is based on appearing in a sex video and having a delightful bootylicious behind, it’s important to keep an eye on the assets of other women. So when Kim Kardashian and Britney Gastineau (daughter of former Jets sack-man Mark Gastineau) decide to take in a Knicks game it is little surprise that Kim gets caught ogling the fine backside of one of the Knicks famous dancers. Although, to be fair, watching the dancers is much more enjoyable than trying to pay attention to what the Knicks are doing on the court…
I never played lacrosse because that’s the same time as the tennis season, and later, the same as my high school musicals, so I never put on the pads and had a go. I’m still tough though, like the other day, I got a paper cut and I only cried for like 10 minutes. So there!
Anyways, this video is pretty hilarious, this kid gets KNOCKED OUT and it’s pretty awesome. Mostly because it isn’t me.
Zamboni Driving 101
Watching the Zamboni make its way around the ice, many a fan has dreamed of driving the beautiful contraption. At the Herbert Wells ice rink in College Park, Maryland you can have just that opportunity. Several times a year, for a $90 fee, ($75 if you sign up in advance) you can take a two-night Zamboni training course. There they will teach you the basics of blade changing, tank filling, scraping patterns and the all important vehicle storage. Of course, most people are there just to ride around on the big lumbering machine.
“People are just fascinated by them,” said Russell Barrett, the rink’s head Zamboni wrangler and the night’s instructor. “They line up to watch as we do cuts,” the professional term for the Zam’s periodic solo performances between hockey periods and breaks in the all-skate. “The kids wave. It makes some of the guys nervous to operate it with all the people watching.”
According to Barrett, the most eager participants are young men and dads, although occasionally a woman will come to take the class too. Slow moving machine plus maintaining an ice surface and moving in circles? Sign me up!
[Washington Post]
Straight Cash Homey
CC Sabathia may have floundered badly in his first start with the Yankees, but at least he has a decent place to rest his head when the team arrives in NYC. The Sabathia clan, CC, his wife Amber and their three kids will be residing in sunny Alpine, NJ, with neighbors the likes of Sean Combs, Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder, Chris Rock and Britney Spears. I bet the block parties are BANGING! Somehow, the Sabathia’s will have to make do in this 12,000 square foot manse, situated on a mere 2 acres. The house was listed for $15 million, but CC STOLE it with an offer of $14.9 million in cash. I hope he has enough money to put grass seed down and maybe buy a couple panini makers or something, after all, the man is ONLY making $23 million this year…
[NJ Report via The Sporting News]
A Pink Doppelganger for Luck
When he arrived on the scene, the portly Bobby Jenks was a godsend to the Chicago White Sox, helping lead the team to victory in the World Series. Since then he’s been an efficient closer, with an 88% save rate and is very noticeable out on the field for his large girth and long goatee, which he often has bleach dyed. Last year for Mother’s Day, Jenks and several other White Sox dyed their facial hair pink to honor their mom’s. Back in the day, you were no one if you didn’t have at least 50 troll dolls arranged around your house or desk. With their silly hair, and protruding bellies, the dolls were supposed to help bring luck, although they were more likely to instead bring dollars to their manufacturers instead. It’s possible that rubbing Jenks produces good luck, but you’re also likely to induce noxious gas…regardless, I think it’s fair to say these two share quite the resemblance.
For all the other doppelgangers, make sure to visit the permanent page here, and also please vote in the poll below!
With George Gillett trying to divest himself of the Montreal Canadiens, currently 10 prospective ownership groups have emerged to take over the team. Among them are Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte, Quebec cable giant Quebecor Media and, of course, star chanteuse Celine Dion. Because if you’re a fan of the Canadiens you definitely want an association with the Titanic. Haven’t Canadiens fans suffered enough?
[Yahoo!]
Change is a-comin’ to Lord’s Cricket Grounds, in downtown London, the staid dress code is being modified in an attempt to bring in a younger audience and appeal to a larger demographic. Lord’s, originally established in 1787 has long had a dress code where fans would be found wearing an egg-and-bacon colored tie, with a striped yellow and red jacket, I know what you’re thinking, what teenager WOULDN’T want to wear that? Well, it turns out, all of them.
So, to attract the younger sects, at the upcoming World Twenty20 tournament in June, the restrictions will be loosened. “The Aussie guys can come with yellow wigs, the South Africans can come dressed all in green. We want to encourage that and we want people to have fun. If they come in a costume, that will be allowed,” said Steve Elworthy, the tournament director.
Coming soon to a cricket stadium near you!
Cricket has seen an up tick in popularity with the younger generations, and tournament organizers are looking to capitalize on that; the tournament’s Twitter page is one of the fastest growing sports accounts and a viral video promoting the event will be released on YouTube in the coming weeks.
Of course, some of the old guard are less than pleased.
Len Osborn, 83 and a member of the Marleybone Cricket Club for more than 30 years, said: “It’s bloody ridiculous. They will lower the tone of the place.”
Brian Sedgwick, a fellow member aged 66, was a little more sanguine. “We’ve got to do these things to encourage young people to the ground. If people feel the need to dress up, I don’t understand it but, fair enough.”
…“It’s not even cricket, it’s whack-it,” another older member, Ken Lewis, said.
The Slanch Report 
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