Archive for July 8th, 2008


The Terrorists Could Play to a Win

The English Premier League is considered one of the, if not the, absolute best soccer leagues in the world. Owning one of the EPL teams is a huge bragging right for the super-rich, people like Malcolm Glazier (owner of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) and future Bond villain, Roman Abramovich belong to the club. Now, the Newcastle United club is on the market and it appears that a sale is imminent.

According to a report from UPI, Newcastle owner Mike Ashley is very close to selling the club for $600 million to an very successful construction family from the Middle East, the name of the prospective owners? Bin Laden.

Of course, Osama isn’t the one buying the team, his family “disavowed” him years ago.

Sure the Guardian newspaper doesn’t believe that the sale will go through, but what do they know? And besides, that don’t mean I can’t shamelessly speculate.

I hope it doesn’t go through, I really like drinking delicious Newcastles and wouldn’t want to be supporting terrorists every time I had one…

However, I would love to see the newspaper headlines after every game. “The Terrorists win!” “Manchester Gets Bombed by Newcastle” “Newcastle Explodes for 3 Goals!” etc etc, the possibilities are endless!

[Unprofessional Foul]


Another Woods Arrives to Dominate Golf

Because I wouldn’t want anyone out there to not be kept up-to-date on the important college athlete signings, I bring you this bit of important news via Sports by Brooks; Wake Forest University recently scored the 2-time Arizona high school women’s golf champion. The young lady in question, Cheyenne Woods, has been nearly as dominant as her uncle, some guy named Tiger Woods.

The younger Woods, who has been playing golf since she was 5, received training from her late grandfather, Earl Woods, who was instrumental in making Eldrick Woods into Tiger Woods. Unfortunately, because of the distance between their homes, Earl was never able to give her the same kind of instruction that led to Tiger being on his way to the title of greatest golfer of all time. However, both Tiger and Earl watch(ed) video of her playing and provid(ed) advice and evaluation.

Cheyenne has already won the American Junior Golf Association Nike Golf Junior, the Big I Junior Classic and two U.S. Kids Golf World Championships and she also shares quite the resemblance to her famous uncle.

All the hoopla surrounding her doesn’t seem to faze Cheyenne, she told the Charlotte Observer: Continue reading ‘Another Woods Arrives to Dominate Golf’


Subscribe via Email!

So, due to (a) reader request(s), we have now added the option for you to subscribe via email to the Slanch Report. You may click here, or on the Feedblitz icon located on the right under where it says “Subscribe via email.” Please sign up if you are interested, or even if not, because the counter looks sad when the numbers are low. We won’t spam you or send out any crazy emails, it merely will send you an email at night of that days posts so that you may catch up all at once. This just adds one more means for you to get all your Slanch Report information, of course there are also the RSS feeds available as well, or you can just good ol’ fashioned visit the site like you’re doing now.

If anyone has any other requests or suggestions for the site, by all means lemme know and send me an email.


CC Sabathia and 50 Year Old Women Have Something New in Common

Everyone around baseball has been buzzing about the big change for Carsten Charles Sabathia; no, I don’t mean the trade that sent Mr. Sabathia from the Indians to the Milwaukee Brewers, that’s old news. At his introductory news conference, Sabathia had the media staff of the Brewers inform reporters that he prefers to go by CC, not C.C.

Doug Melvin clearly didn’t do all his research about his corpulent new acquisition because, when informed of Sabathia’s period-less preference, his response was a highly surprised, “Oh really?”

New teammate J.J. Hardy also goes by his initials but as of right now has no plans to remove his periods.

Continue reading ‘CC Sabathia and 50 Year Old Women Have Something New in Common’


Baseball Fans/Baby Fetishists Rejoice

I know that, like most of America, you were sitting around over the holiday weekend, watching a baseball game and thinking to yourself, “Sure, these professional baseball players look good now, but I’d really much prefer to see them in their infancy stages, to appreciate them better.” Well, good news!

From the press release:

Team Baby Entertainment, the premier producer of an award winning series of officially licensed sports themed children’s DVDs, has teamed up with Topps, the leading creator and marketer of sports cards to distribute limited edition trading cards featuring photos of favorite MLB players when they were babies. This is the first time ever that MLB players have lent their baby photos to be featured on Topps cards, making them instant collectibles.

For example, here is David “Big Papi” Ortiz in a young larvae phase. As a Sox fan, this is a MUST HAVE, I mean, it’s David Ortiz as a child! I would also like to have a copy of Manny Ramirez’ childhood physicals, Dustin Pedroia’s letters to the tooth fairy and if possible, Josh Beckett’s jammy-jams booty pajama’s, especially if they were the same dope superhero ones that I had.

Among the other players who will have their baby pictures used include the Yankees’ Johnny Damon, David Wright of the Mets and Dodgers catcher Russell Martin.

I just know fans across the country will soon be clamoring for more teams and players to be represented baby-style, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Adam Dunn with tapioca smeared across his infant face.


I’m Baaaaccccckkkk!

You know, it’s hard out here in the blogging wasteland. Sitting in my underwear and trying to type things to amuse all 6 of you can be very demanding. I took a few days off to sit around a pool, drink some beers and now I’m back, ready to entertain and excite. Also, get ready for some new changes around the site coming soon, including an all-new look. In the meantime, sit back, and let’s get back to it. It’s business time.

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Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

July 2008