Archive for July 28th, 2008

28
Jul
08

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is terrifying, limbs are not supposed to point like that. It turns out that Aston Villa defender Wilfred Bouma merely dislocated his ankle and didn’t do any damage to the rest of his leg. I have no idea how he did that. He’ll be out for 4-6 weeks.

[With Leather]

28
Jul
08

In the NFL Running People Over is Totally Cool

I don’t understand the NFL, last year if you were busted for jaywalking you could expect Roger Goodell on your door the next day with a 4 game suspension in hand. This off-season, Buffalo Bills running back Marshawn Lynch RUNS OVER A WOMEN WITH HIS CAR and the league has no problem with it.

Now, I do think that Goodell went overboard last year in being the new sheriff and trying to flex his muscle but based on the actions last season by the NFL commissioner’s office this seems like something they would want to do something about.

Goodell spoke to the press saying that because Lynch pleaded guilty to traffic violation, there wasn’t a violation of the league’s personal conduct policy. So, the league minds if your hanging out at a strip club or driving drunk, but so long as you plead guilty to RUNNING OVER SOMEONE, that’s fine.  Of course, Goodell doesn’t seem to think lying to the police is also a violation of the personal conduct policy, because initially Lynch denied he was even in the car and said it was driven by a friend of his.

I simply don’t understand what is going on in the NFL offices these days.

28
Jul
08

International Baseball to No Longer Resemble Baseball

In one of the more absurd rule changes I have ever heard of, I came across this item from Baseball America’s Jim Callis:

The International Baseball Federation has adopted a speed-up rule that will be used in international competition, starting with the Beijing Olympics. Beginning in the 11th inning, teams will open each frame with runners on first and second base. Additionally, to start the 11th inning, clubs can decide where they want to begin in the batting order (though they won’t be able to further reset the order in later innings).

“The upcoming Beijing Olympic competition may be our last unless we are successful in adding the sport back to the Olympic program for the 2016 Games,” IBAF president Dr. Harvey W. Schiller said. “We must demonstrate to the International Olympic Committee not only does our game belong alongside the other great sports of the world, but our sport is manageable from a television and operational standpoint.”

This has to be one of the most asinine rule changes ever. Also, it doesn’t seem like it will matter, as after this year baseball will no longer be an Olympic sport. I simply don’t understand how anyone could do something like this and think of it as baseball. Now, I’m all for making the sport more marketable and popular worldwide, but this is simply changing the game for the worse and makes no sense. This is supposed to be top-line competition, not Little League. Wait, I take that back, even Little League wouldn’t be this stupid. It’s one thing to have a mercy rule in international competition, which is also stupid, but arbitrarily putting men on base and then allowing you to hit whomever you like is just an awful affront to the game.

Ugh.

28
Jul
08

Don’t Breathe too Deep

With the Olympics just a few weeks away, the news out of Beijing has been constantly about the problems facing the host city. The internet isn’t working properly, restaurants have been informed not to serve black patrons and a multitude of other issues have surrounded the upcoming games. No single concern though has taken over as much as the amount of smog surrounding the city, some athletes are not going because they don’t want to run in such poor quality, the equestrian events are now in Hong Kong because of health concerns, and the Chinese are working frantically to clear the air before the games begin.

This is what it looks like outside the main stadium, not an especially appealing looking view. So using that standard Chinese government openness, they have taken some steps to fix the situation. For instance, the city isn’t ALL bad, that’s why they’ve been putting up color billboards all around town to add color to the otherwise gray and drab cityscape like this image below.

Wow! I feel totally transported out of a disgustingly polluted city, how magical! These Olympics are going to be a shitshow, get excited!

Check out this gallery for more of these bizarre billboard/city mashups go here.

28
Jul
08

Reds Make Important Deal for Their Future

Despite being 11.5 games out of the lead for the NL Central, the Cincinnati Reds don’t believe they’re out of it, so they swung a major deal over the weekend for both their present and their future. Of course, I’m referring to the news that is already everywhere across the nation, that everyone is talking about, the Reds have finally chosen their OFFICIAL and exclusive ketchup provider. Finally!

Our long national nightmare is finally over and we can get back to our regular, dull lives!

Red Gold Premium Ketchup are the lucky winners and will become the sole providers for the Reds at their 32 food stands. I’m just glad that this whole ordeal is at long last over and the Reds can get back to concentrating on the game. In fact, I’m almost certain that this long search has been the reason why the Reds are so far out of contention. Sure, critics might point to Dusty Baker and say that since he doesn’t understand how to properly manage a baseball team, or that he ignores statistics that would actually help his team because he’s “old-school” and that he’s out of touch with the current game, but to those people I say ketchup!

The Reds are primed to go on a Rockies-like streak and most likely win the World Series this year, solely propelled via the high quality Red Gold PREMIUM Ketchup.

28
Jul
08

Always Bet on Green 420

I’ve always wanted to go to a casino and put something like my watch down as my bet, instead of cash, I just think that’s a totally classy, superstar kinda move. The guy in this video below clearly has similar style dreams. He sits down at the table and takes out his currency to bet with to the surprise of the dealer and other players at the table; I guess they’re not used to people betting with an ounce of weed…

At first he decides to place it all on the hand, but then realizes that that’s CRAZY, so he only puts down like an eighths worth, which as we all know is a much safer, albeit conservative bet. When the cops come for the guy he seems totally shocked that they would be busting him about this, like this was a totally standard way to bet and the cops were being crazy.

I particularly enjoy the newscasters talking about how the security guys have trouble scraping the loose weed off the table because it is “so sticky,” and that the guy thought all this was fine because he has a weed card that he ordered on the internet. Good call dude! However, the anchor’s “five card bud” joke was nothing but a dud, even for local news that was terrible.

[Cake Rocks the Party]




Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!
SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!

July 2008
M T W T F S S
« Jun   Aug »
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

Categories