Posts Tagged ‘Newcastle United


Fan Sentenced to Continue Watching Sucky Team

kieron-dyer-lee-bowyer-punchupKevin Southerton had had enough, fed up with watching his beloved Newcastle United, he ran onto the field last month after his team let in another goal. He was of course, stopped and arrested. Southerton figured that if he were arrested on the field that he would be banned and thus, stopped from having to see Newcastle play anymore. When the police caught up to him, Southerton told police officers: “I hope I get banned, I’m sick of watching this.”

Unfortunately for the master criminal, the judicial system didn’t see it that way; giving him a fine instead. “It must be the first time someone’s been forced to carry on watching a team they’ve fallen out of love with rather than get banned,” said a police source.

Facing a possible three-year ban, Southerton’s attorney, Liz Dunbar told the court that “He was very upset at the performance of Newcastle United. I don’t know very much about football, but I understand he isn’t the only one feeling this way at the moment.”

The police were ultimately disappointed in this measure, hoping the ban would send a strong message to the fans that running on the field will not be tolerated, instead the court merely levied a $291 fine.

[Daily Star]


Sticks and Stones Will Break His Bones But…

Across the water in jolly England towne, Newcastle United’s Charles N’Zogbia has announced that he will never play for the team again as long as Joe Kinnear remains the club’s manager. It seems that during a post-match press conference Kinnear couldn’t remember N’Zogbia’s last name, calling him “insomnia” twice and then just referring to him as “Charlie.”

The actual quote from Kinnear goes, “Shay [Given] pulled out with a knee injury as did Insomnia . . . Insomnia . . . er, Charlie…” Pretty innocuous to me…

Being rational and reasonable, N’Zogbia issued a statement saying, “First of all, I wish to apologise to the fans for wanting to leave the club. However, having been insulted by Joe Kinnear, I will never play for him again while he remains Newcastle manager.” Sure, because you’re an adult and a well-paid professional athlete, so you should totally overreact about this.

Kinnear, in response said, “OK, I got a little tongue-tied — but if I had a pound for every time I’ve mispronounced a player’s name down the years, then I’d be a very wealthy man indeed.” Now, I agree with Kinnear, but at the same time, dude doesn’t even know the players on his team’s names? That’s low. Either that, or he’s trying to send a message to the pain-in-the-ass N’Zogbia who has been seeking a transfer, and who opposing fans nicknamed “Insomnia”…

[Times Online]


The Terrorists Could Play to a Win

The English Premier League is considered one of the, if not the, absolute best soccer leagues in the world. Owning one of the EPL teams is a huge bragging right for the super-rich, people like Malcolm Glazier (owner of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) and future Bond villain, Roman Abramovich belong to the club. Now, the Newcastle United club is on the market and it appears that a sale is imminent.

According to a report from UPI, Newcastle owner Mike Ashley is very close to selling the club for $600 million to an very successful construction family from the Middle East, the name of the prospective owners? Bin Laden.

Of course, Osama isn’t the one buying the team, his family “disavowed” him years ago.

Sure the Guardian newspaper doesn’t believe that the sale will go through, but what do they know? And besides, that don’t mean I can’t shamelessly speculate.

I hope it doesn’t go through, I really like drinking delicious Newcastles and wouldn’t want to be supporting terrorists every time I had one…

However, I would love to see the newspaper headlines after every game. “The Terrorists win!” “Manchester Gets Bombed by Newcastle” “Newcastle Explodes for 3 Goals!” etc etc, the possibilities are endless!

[Unprofessional Foul]

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

March 2023