The Slanch Report

Oaks Christian, a highly regarded prep-school in California is apparently quite the popular place for the wealthy and talented to drop their teenagers to receive an education; or play sports.

The latest transfer to their football team, I mean academic campus, is one Nicholas Montana. By name he sounds like an excellent old west Marshal, in actuality he’s the son of Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana; you might have heard of him.

Montana is now the 4th quarterback to transfer to the Oaks Christian team, making for quite the crowded backfield–I live for high school football. Recently, another transfer, Tony Macarena, was named the starter after out-competing 6 other players. When pressed for reaction to the newest transfer, Macarena’s only response was a robust hip swing and a sharp turn 90 degrees to the right.

Among the other quarterbacks competing for the starting gig, Trevor Gretzky, son of hockey legend Wayne, brother of hottie Paulina Gretzky. I’m holding out hope for Gretzky, I took him in my REALLY deep fantasy football keeper league and am counting on him to lead my team to glory in 2016.

The grand winner of this competition gets the real prize, he’ll get to throw his passes to Will Smith’s son, sophomore Trey. It’s like an episode of Made!

With such celebrity parents and sports legends, it might be daunting coaching such a team, but according to coach Bill Redell, “What I have found is when you are coaching kids with famous parents, they are humble and the families are very cooperative. They understand the game and they understand decisions have to be made. I’ve never had a problem.”

Could this recruiting class get any better? “Well, Michael Jordan said his son’s coming and Babe Ruth’s great, great grandson is supposed to enroll,” Redell said, before adding, “I’m only kidding.”