Jon Stewart loves the Mets, and so he opened up yesterday’s Daily Show with a great bit regrading the firing of Willie Randolph and just who it was that made the final call.
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“You want to meet the Mets? Why don’t you meet Mr. Met? I’ll meet you in the fucking parking lot!”
Marlins pitcher Justin Miller has an incredible amount of tattoos on his body. Miller has so many that he is required to wear a long sleeve shirt every time he pitches so as not to distract batters, the rule is even referred to as “the Justin Miller rule.” Even better, Miller has quite the sense of humor regarding his tattoos, take one of the tattoos he has on his ass that reads, “I (heart) Billy Koch” because of a bet he had lost against Koch, who gave him $2000 and paid for the tattoo in exchange. Koch even ended up giving $500 to Miller’s wife as an apology.
“It was a silly bet. Honestly, at the time I was getting a lot of tattoos. [Koch and I] got traded for each other a couple of years before. I have fun telling that story, and we’re boys to this day. He’ll definitely never let me forget about it,” Miller says in an interview with Inked magazine. “I think [my teammates] wait until the shower just so they can peek instead of asking to see my ass.”
Of course, you know how baseball players get, once you get one of your teammates’ names tattooed on your posterior you need to get EVERYONE’S name tattooed there.
Fellow Marlins pitcher/troublemaker Scott Olsen, always one to commemorate nights where things go wrong by using the ass of another man, has approached Miller with a proposition of his own, “He wants me to get his mug shot (left) tattooed on my ass. I don’t think that’s going to work,” says Miller. “I don’t think my wife wants to see Olsen’s picture there. So we’re not going to go with that.”
Miller’s tattoos have caused other difficulties, besides his friends trying to have their faces forever next to his anus. Last year, while pitching in Japan, “he was banned from the Disneyland amusement park in Tokyo because of his tattoos. He ignored that rule, walking right through the park entrance turnstiles without missing a beat.”
He’s not done yet either, but he is running out of blank space, “my wife won’t let me get my neck tattooed. I’ve wanted to get one on my head, and my wife sort of put her foot down on that,” he says. “People give me crap. [They say,] ‘Hey, you’d be out [on the pitching mound] in a turtleneck and a beanie.’ That’s something I think I’ll end up doing after baseball.”
“Hey man, wanna go to the Yankees game against the Padres with me?”
“Definitely! Hey you know what will make us totally awesome and show everyone how much we care about baseball?”
“Bring an American flag to aimlessly hold when they do ‘God Bless America’!”
“You read my mind! Lemme just change into my lucky pot leaf shirt and I’ll be good to go.”
“I love weed!”
“Where are we going again?”
Of course, this isn’t the first time weed and sports have overlapped…
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am obviously satisfied that the Mets finally fired Willie Randolph, but could that franchise look any more dysfunctional after the manner in which they actually let him go? The organization sent out emails at 3:11 am letting media outlets know that Willie Randolph, Rick Peterson and Tom Nieto were all axed. There has to be a better way to have handled this. Do you think that back at the hotel, Omar hid in Willie’s closet and then smothered him with a pillow when he laid down to sleep?
But regardless, Willie, a seemingly classy guy was simply unable to corral this team and make them perform the way they were supposed to. Two years ago they were a base hit away from the World Series, since then, they have gone 122 – 109 which is simply not good enough. They have a $139 million payroll and were expected to be the best team in the NL. As reader Youppi pointed out yesterday, it is not Willie’s fault that players got hurt or have completely slowed down (cough, Delgado) but it is his responsibility to get the team to perform no matter what. This team goes the way Jose Reyes goes, and he hasn’t been going. The only player whom Willie’s constant mismanaging didn’t seem to affect was David Wright. Every few games there were moves that Willie would make that would be questionable. Whether it was even allowing Fernando Tatis to play or the manner he handled the bullpen, it just seemed like Willie was grasping at straws and didn’t have a plan.
I’m not convinced that Jerry Manuel is going to be a long-term answer, but any change is good at this point. What I’m most interested to see is who they hire for pitching coach. Leo Mazzone is still unemployed and, up until his less-than-successful tenure in Baltimore was considered the best pitching coach in the game. Was he product of the fantastic Braves pitchers, or is he really that good? Someone needs to figure out how to make Oliver Perez throw strikes, and Mazzone might just be that guy. If Perez, Mike Pelfrey and John Maine can’t be consistent this team should start booking their October vacations now.
The fact that Omar Minaya handled this situation so poorly though, is just one more example of why Omar Minaya ALSO needs to be handed his walking papers. That he could have done it at the worst possible time, and after forcing the coaches to fly across the country only to get fired in the middle of the night. Completely classless. Omar has managed to arrange a team that is inconsistent, a bench that is unproductive, the highest paid players (again besides David Wright) are all under performing. Ridiculous moves like the signing of Luis Castillo are simply inexcusable. WHY DO YOU SIGN A SECOND BASEMAN WITH BAD KNEES WHOSE GAME IS BASED ON SPEED TO A 4 YEAR CONTRACT IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE HAS KNEE SURGERY!?!?!?!?! Is that not the most idiotic move possible? Now the team is hamstrung at the position. The rotation is struggling, the bullpen is a rollercoaster, Delgado is finished, Beltran (last night excepted) has been not close to what he is supposed to be, Pedro has had one good year. There are very few moves that Minaya has made that have panned out and it is time that he go to. Let’s see if the Wilpons have the brains to do it.
Day one of a new Mets era starts today. Let’s hope it goes well…
Cole Hamels, or as we like to call him, Hole Camels, is one of the most dominant young starters in the game right now, his only challenge it seems is staying healthy, otherwise he might go on to become a several time Cy Young winner. When Monty Python appeared sketch comedy had never seen anything like them, and no one has ever truly come close to the level of genius they produced. Arguably the biggest individual star to come out of Python was John Cleese, who went on to write and star in one of my favorite movies, A Fish Called Wanda. While watching the Red Sox/Phillies game, eagle-eyed reader, The roomate noticed the similarity between the two men, what do you think? For this and the many other doppelgangers my readers and I have spotted, go here. And please, do send me your own as you notice them, and I’ll get them up right away. Also, please make sure to vote in the poll down below!
Willie Randolph’s Damoclean adventure seems to be coming to an end, and none too soon.
“These are our coaches today. I think we’re not playing up to our potential. I always leave room to evaluate things.” Those are the less-than-encouraging words of Mets GM Omar Minaya after the Mets split a doubleheader against the Texas Rangers yesterday.
And this is what Willie should expect from Omar later today:
Especially since, according to news reports from the New York Daily News, Omar Minaya has received permission from the owners of the Mets, the Wilpons, to fire Willie and Rick Peterson and to have Jerry Manuel take over as manager.
I just hope the Wilpons saved a little of that firing sauce for Omar Minaya too.
And just to help out the poor Mets fans who have been suffering so recently, here’s some video from when Josh Hamilton, Milton Bradley, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young and Ryan Rupe decided to turn the infield tarp into a giant slip-and-slide during the rain delay and of Saturday’s game.
Loyal reader Youppi sent these doppelgangers along, and for that I am incredibly grateful. Of course, he also seems like the type of “man” to go see Sex and the City in the theaters with fellow reader Myummers sans any girls or self-respect, but that’s a whole other story…
As always, these and all the other doppelgangers are available at the doppelganger page at the top of the screen or by clicking here.
The single best jersey I have ever seen at a baseball game was when I saw a guy walking around Shea in a Cleveland Indians jersey emblazoned with “Dorn,” on the back. I’ve always been jealous that I don’t have my own one of those as yet… Anyhoo, Corbin Bernsen who played the overpayed, undertalented Roger Dorn and Red Sox reliever/bow hunter Mike Timlin share a resemblance.
I can’t believe that people like Emile Hirsch get to kiss Elisha Cuthbert, even in just a movie setting, it is patently unfair. I am about 45,000 times cooler and better looking than he is. Well, regardless, he shares a kindred look to Brewers outfielder Corey Hart, minus about a foot, seeing as how Hart is a gargantuan 6′ 6″ and actually looks like he can grow facial hair.
Reader Myummers submitted this doppelganger to me and it’s pretty damn good. I had no idea who Jesse Metcalfe was, but then, I don’t watch Desperate Housewives. Which makes me wonder why Myummers knows who is he is; that seems like the type of thing that a man who would go to see Sex and the City in the theaters would do, but that couldn’t be the type of man Myummers is, right?
Anyhoo, Arizona Diamondbacks first baseman Conor Jackson and Desperate Housewives‘ Jesse Metcalfe, I buy it!
Check out lots of my other doppelgangers here and please send me any others you see by emailing me here.
The hits keep coming against Roger Clemens; now a report in the Daily News says that Clemens was popping Viagra while he was playing and hid the pills in a GNC vitamin bottle to avoid suspicion or ridicule. Well done on that. Apparently, athletes have been popping Viagra as a performance enhancer because it:
And here I thought it was just to keep your dick hard! It has so many other useful attributes! So this means that whenever you look back at any of Clemens’ starts the last few years, it is very likely he was out there on the mound sporting a boner. I have so many questions! For instance, most baseball players wear jock straps right, so was he packing a boner against a cup? Ouch! Was Clemens just walking around the clubhouse rocking his rocket? How long did Derek Jeter just stare at it and eagerly lick his lips? After a tough loss did Torre ever say to Clemens “Stay strong Rog, we’re all pulling for you?” Did he and Andy Pettite have Viagra parties together where they pop the pills and just hang out? At Clemens’ workout routines which were so “legendary,” was he doing squat thrusts with an engorged member?
To think, I once looked up to this man. Now he’s a philandering, syringe using, cheater who was walking around all the time with a chubby. Great. Sometimes I forget that a lot of baseball players are also d-bags. Quite the last few months for Clemens, eh? I wonder if he has ever thought he should have just done like Andy Pettite and admit a little and get away with the rest. Now since he has been so indignant and insisted on suing Brian McNamee, sleazy story after sleazy story has come out. From nailing underage girls to boner pills, the Rocket is really hitting every possible bad publicity story possible. Tonight at 11: Clemens sells crack to school kids!
My last doppelgangers post was well-received, and fun to do, and so, with some reader suggestions from Theroomate and Myummers and some of my own, here are several more doppelgangers for you to enjoy. I’ve decided also that since I enjoy these I’m going to set up a permanent page at the top of the screen with all of the doppelgangers we come up with. So any suggestions or whatever send me a note and I’ll get ’em up right away. Anyhoo, enjoy!
Mike Lowell looks like he should be wearing a tuxedo at all times because he’s totally debonair, George Clooney gets to wear those tuxes and with their salt and pepper beards and hair it’s just possible that they are brothers…
Nothing strikes more fear in the hearts of the residents of Elm Street more than Freddy Krueger, Red Sox fans for the last few years have known that exact same feeling of abject terror every time the bullpen door swung open for Julian Tavarez. Fortunately, now he has been banished to the wasteland known as Brewer’s baseball and Freddy went into space to fight Jason and hasn’t been heard from since…
Nothing beats the smooth taste and flavor of Camel cigarettes, at least according to the many advertisements from the cigarette company. Andy Pettite smoothly deflected the fact that he is a a cheating, needle-using pitcher and has been accepted widely back into the fold of the Yankees without much comment.
David Ortiz makes all of Red Sox nation happy with his clutch heroics and huge smile. Shrek was an ogre with a big heart and delights children of all ages. Dreamworks definitely used Ortiz as the model.
True story: these three men have never been in the same place at the same time. We should all be thankful that Geoff Jenkins of the Phillies, Green Bay “retiree” Brett Favre and actor Max Martini of The Unit (not watching it? You really should) have all chosen to divide the country in thirds, Jenkins gets the east coast, Farve the middle and Martini the west, otherwise who knows what could happen.
Sure, Andrew Shue is less known for his “acting” abilities or his brief career as a professional soccer player and more known for his delectable sister, Elizabeth Shue, but he can always take solace in being mistaken on the street for either Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina or Cardinals third baseman Troy Glaus. They’ve both been All-Stars! (Although don’t expect to see them on any future All-Star teams)
Rajon Rondo is a crafty hoopster, he loves to slice through the defense, drive towards the basket and then dish the ball back out to someone who can actually shoot the ball. Ants love to make holes and go through them in order to eat that entire box of oreos that I was saving but then forgot about and now are ruined. Antz was a movie.
Lance Berkman began 2008 on a torrid pace, spraying hits and homers all over the field. Tony Stewart is one of the top drivers in Nascar and when he wins he gets to spray–bukkake style–beer or champagne or milk all over his pit crew. Seems fair to me.
Being stuck on an island with Gilligan couldn’t have been easy. The more important question is if Gilligan was so useless and frustrating to the Skipper, why was he the only crewman he had? Charlie Manuel manages the Phillies, has one of the best giant guts in baseball and a fiery personality.
One of the great things about minor league baseball is the never-ending stream of great promotions. For the Modesto Nuts, a class A affiliate of the Rockies, they’ve made beers during the 5th inning of every game cost only $1. In terms of wacky promotions, this isn’t anywhere near the top but for the fans in attendance it was one of the better recent promotions.
You see, the fearsome Modesto Nuts were down 9-1 and looking for some fire, so their pitcher, Aneury Rodriguez, buried a 91 mph fastball into the ribs of one of the opposing Stockton Ports (even MORE fearsome!) who strangely took exception to that. Then on a potential double-play ball,
the hit batsman slid spikes up into second, had the second baseman fall on top of him and get all tangled up. One thing leads to another and then the two are throwing punches at one another. Of course, the dugouts empty after that point and the brawl is on. One of the Ports’ relievers had to be taken to the hospital where he had his two facial fractures looked at that should probably keep him out the rest of the season. All told, 8 players were ejected and it took nearly 50 minutes for order to be restored and the inning to finally end.
Fortunately for the crowd, this all took place during the 5th inning, meaning that for nearly an hour, as the two teams showed off their pugilistic abilities, the crowd was able to get totally hammered for cheap. Maybe that’s the reason this is our national pastime! If there is a better way to spend an afternoon, watching baseball, seeing a brawl, and getting drunk for under $10 than I’d like to find out about it.
h/t to Inside the Shell your one-stop for all Modesto Nuts stories
Last night’s Red Sox/Tampa Bay game featured so many crazy things going on that the actual action of the game was overwhelmed and pushed to the side. After Wednesday’s unnecessary hard slide and then subsequent yelling match between Coco Crisp and Rays hipster manager Joe Maddon (my favorite part was when Coco pointed at his uniform and yelled, “We’re the Red Sox motherfucker!”) there seemed little doubt that Coco was going to get plunked the next time he was at bat.
So, yesterday, in his first at-bat, first pitch, James Shields throws and hits Coco on the thigh. Then, as Crisp said,
I charged the mound. I feigned it like I was going to go to first base, just to get Navarro off me a little bit, and just charged the mound. He tried to hit me with a haymaker. He missed. I threw a punch. I pretty much missed. And the rest, went down to the ground… like the scratches on my face were people trying to scratch like we were playing football or something, like little girls, trying to scratch out my eyes. I move one hand down, scratch me right here [points to scratch to the right of his nose].
Now, as a Sox fan, I can admit that A) Coco shouldn’t have done the hard takeout on Wednesday, B) should have taken the hit-by-pitch and just gone to first. The brawl was unnecessary and Coco is definitely going to get a healthy suspension, (my guess 10 games.)
The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.
Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!
SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!
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