One of my favorite sports movies is The Program, starring James Caan and Omar Epps. The movie itself isn’t that great, but I sincerely enjoy subpar movies so, that’s that. Anyways, Caan, the hard-driving coach tells one of his linebackers that he wants him to hit people so hard that they have snot bubbles coming out of their nose. This clip, from this weekend’s Maryland/California tilt has just that kind of hit. Jahvid Best gets an ill-advised sling-pass sent his way and Maryland’s Kevin Barnes makes a perfectly timed hit. Wait, let me rephrase, he fucking LEVELS Best. It is totally awesome, mostly because that wasn’t me receiving that hit. I’m surprised because I always thought bears would be stronger than turtles…Anyways, make sure you stick around for the end of the video for a fun surprise!
Archive for September, 2008
The Olympic Spirit Continues
How about some blind soccer? Goalies are allowed to be partially sighted, and players with partial sight are required to wear blindfolds.
The women's sitting volleyball matches are hotly contested.
This event is called goalball and all the players are blind or wearing blindfolds. There is a little bell inside the ball to alert players to its presence.
One armed archery? That's just simply too awesome for me to even try and be snarky. Well-played sir.
This Huddling Up Business Stinks
The Green Bay Packers are playing awfully good football at the moment, and it looks like the concerns about Aaron Rodgers were unfounded. Is he Brett Favre yet, no, but he’s managing his games well so far and his team is 2-0 so the results speak for themselves so far. According to Greg Jennings, one of the Packers’ receivers there is very clear difference between the two QBs and it may have a lot to do with why the team is playing so efficiently thus far, “Brett’s a little more loose in there,” Jennings said. “You know, not that Aaron’s tight; he’s fine. But Brett was passing gas in the huddle.” Classy!
I enjoy that whenever a high school team hazes someone it becomes major news and everyone wrings their hands and decries how horrible it is. However, when it comes to a professional sports team, the media can’t wait to fall all over themselves covering hazing and presenting it as hilarious and all in good fun. Sure, for some reason high school hazing always seems to end with someone getting teabagged or a plunger shoved somewhere uncomfortable and the pros merely make their rookies dress up in drag but still, isn’t hazing supposed to be illegal? That isn’t to say I don’t enjoy it, I mean who doesn’t want to see baseball players dressed as characters from High School Musical? Also, it is certainly a far distance between sodomizing someone with a plunger to making someone wear a dress, but I was under the impression that hazing is hazing.
Regardless, it seems obvious the Red Sox are breast-men based on some of the outfits that the rookies were forced to wear. Also, I’m curious who proposed High School Musical, I hope it was someone who has a young daughter or something, and not some veteran on the Sox who creepily watches that show. Anyhoo, here are some of the photos from the Sox rookies getting dressed for their journey down to Tampa. For more media fawning over this annual hazing ritual, check out the gallery from WBZ here and for pictures from the fan’s perspective, check out Center Field’s gallery.
Catcher George Kotteras has boobs for days
Chris Smith and Jeff Bailey make all the boys' hearts swoon
Jonathan Van Every knows what he likes, and that would be big boobs
Jed Lowrie though looks like a bad extra from Dazed and Confused
If I was one of the rookies I'd be furious that Justin Masterson and David Pauley got off so easy
First Jonathan Papelbon taught me how to play craps now, he’s taught me how to love. Papelbon’s mom, who clearly has an awesome sense of humor sent these embarassing videos to the Red Sox and Comcast Sportsnet from Papelbon’s high school years. In them Papelbon and a friend are dressed in drag and dancing and then later, Papelbon and friend recreate the final scene from Dirty Dancing which Paps as the Swayze. The reaction around the Red Sox clubhouse as they watch the video is pretty hilarious, especially when Papelbon and the guy get close enough for a near kiss. The best part for me though is David Ortiz both introducing the video and then interviewing Papelbon afterwards, the Large Father is a pretty funny dude.
There are several more videos, including the full unadulterated version on Comcast’s website here if you are so interested.
In another example of why local news is one of the larger pimples on society, here is a hard-hitting local interest story from Boston’s Fox affiliate, Fox 25. The premise of the story, is that there is ANOTHER Tom Brady in Boston, and even more amazing, he plays football, plays quarterback and also hurt his left knee! The sheer odds of finding someone in Boston named Tom Brady, one of the largest Irish enclaves in the world must be ASTRONOMICAL. I wonder how long they spent researching this story. Also, being from the area, I can guarantee that the younger Brady is NOT scoring the same type of women as big Tom. Anyways, the kid Tom Brady has a good sense of humor about himself and all, but he brings up a good point, he might be in fact a voodoo doll for the real Tom Brady. Which means, just to be sure, we should probably keep kid Brady in a glass case from now on, I personally am laying the blame for Brady’s injury solely on young Brady and he better watch his steps from now on, because real Tom is significantly more important.
It’s one thing for a player like Adam “Pacman” Jones to deride the quality of his upcoming opponents the Eagles, that’s something the Eagles can take in stride as part of the normal competitive nature of the NFL. So when Jones says he is unimpressed by 3 different Eagles receivers gaining 100 yards in their last game, saying “They played the Rams, dude,” that’s bulletin board fodder but also not inaccurate, both factually and of course in terms of the fact that the Rams are fucking terrible. However, it is quite another thing when one of the Cowboys’ girlfriends goes on national television and yells, “Go Cowboys!” and then referencing the Eagles, “That’s next week, we’re gonna kick your butts too!” That becomes much more than bulletin board material. Methinks that this Sunday when the Eagles linemen are pounding on Romo play after play that he might hear some course language referencing his ladyfriend whilst he lays prostrate upon the ground. Never fear though as I’m sure Jessica Simpson will be at the game in her ubiquitous pink jersey so at least the Cowboys have that going for them.
Flipping Over Soccer
Fabian Espindola is a striker for Real Salt Lake of the MLS, but I’m sure I didn’t need to tell you that, I mean, it IS a major sports league in the US… Anyways, in a game against the Los Angeles Galaxy the other day during the 6th minute Espindola headed a ball into the net for an apparent goal. Espindola then ran to midfield and did his customary backflip to celebrate. Unfortunately, he didn’t quite nail that landing, instead fracturing his leg. After the game, a contrite Espindola had this to say, “I’m embarassed, I’m never going to do that again. I don’t know what happened. I’ve done it a million times. If I would have known I never would have done it.” Then to add insult, the referee disallowed the goal.
Later in the game, because Espindola wasn’t feeling terrible enough, after scoring a goal for the Galaxy, LA midfielder Bryan Jordan executed his own flip, landing it perfectly.
Espindola, who only just returned last week from another injury that had sidelined him since May 31 is expected to miss another 6 weeks.
An Iron-Man Doppelganger
Cal Ripken revolutionized the shortstop position, proving that power hitting, big athletic guys could play a position usually reserved for light-hitting glovemen. Without him, players like A-Rod, Nomar, Jeter, Tulowitzki, hell, even Khalil Greene would never have played at the majors at shortstop, having long been moved to third or the outfield. Tom Colicchio is the head judge on Top Chef, which means he probably gets to blaze with Padma Lakshmi whenever he wants. I would never suggest that the in-his-prime Cal Ripken looks like Colicchio, but the latter day, let-himself-go Ripken clearly likes eating food, and Colicchio makes food! It’s almost too perfect! Please make sure to vote in the poll below to see if these doppelgangers can move on to the magical land of the permanent Doppelganger page here.
My New Quarterback
I’ve been avoiding all things Brady because frankly it makes me want to throw up, but I’m trying to control myself. What was supposed to be another awesome football season is now up in the air. That too can be exciting but until they play again all I’m left with is a bitter, acrid taste in my mouth. Unlike baseball I don’t have as much interest in the larger league beyond the Patriots. I watch whatever game that’s on but I don’t have much if any of a rooting interest except how it relates to the Pats. Living in NYC, this season is going to be that much harder to bear. Sigh. Get well soon Tom. Nonetheless, here’s hoping Matt Cassel, who hasn’t started a game since high school is going to kick ass. In 2001 I remember when Bledsoe went down and it felt like the season was over, so who knows, this too could be an amazing season. I certainly hope so. Anyway, this video is from a charity event held by special teams ace Larry Izzo called Larry-oke and clearly Cassel is a wee bit tipsy in this clip. Let’s go Pats!
A Stiff Roddick Doppelganger
Andy Roddick is one of the best tennis players in the world, he fires out ridiculously fast 120+ MPH serves and he’s engaged to a fine woman named Brooklyn. Sean William Scott made a career out of being a jock-y party boy without much in his head besides the next beer and the next girl to attempt. Once briefly everywhere, he hasn’t been seen doing much work recently, something we can all appreciate. Add in the fact that Scott’s most memorable role, Stifler, and Roddick both have inherent male genitalia references within their names and I know we’ve got a winner. Reader Youppi sent along this pairing and the resemblance is remarkable so check it out, vote in the poll below and see our other fine doppelgangers here.
The Slanch Report 
Rugby Can Be Entertaining if You Change the Commentary
Tags: Alternative Rugby Commentary, New Zealand All-Blacks, Rugby
Here’s another long clip, there isn’t a lot worthwhile in watching the whole thing unless you really dig rugby or are a huge fan of the New Zealand team, but there are a few funny moments in this “alternative commentary.” For one thing, the theme music is especially catchy, then the anthem and organized demonstrations are pretty amusing, but there isn’t much else exciting afterwards. However, the commentary immediately after the teams do their ceremonial dances before the game is pretty hilarious and is the main reason I posted this, so after about 2:50 don’t feel you need to continue along the long journey.