Because it tickles me so, I’m sharing the latest name for my fantasy baseball team.
I Smell Sexson Candy
Man, I’m clever!
Continue reading ‘Today in 90s Pop Rock’
Archive for the 'Random' Category
18
Jul
08
Today in 90s Pop Rock
In olden times in Greece anything was game in terms of sex, if it had a hole and a heartbeat, it was fair game, nowadays, society has drastically changed. With Leather has the sad story today of a competitive competition shut down by the Greek society police.
9 British women, on the popular vacation island Zakynthos, were arrested, along with 6 British and 6 Greek men, their crime? Encouraging obscene behavior. Shit, I encourage obscene behavior at all times. It seems the local gendarmes found a local bar’s promotion of a public blowjob competition to be obscene. I can’t believe it! That’s not obscene, that’s an awesome promotion! Sure as hell beats most of the happy hour deals at bars in NYC…
The article unfortunately has no details on the standards the judges intended to use, the prize to be won or the pedestals on which the women would have performed. However, I think it is safe to say that if it is no longer to hold BJ competitions on the Greek Isles than I simply don’t know what’s becoming of this world. I miss the good old days of classical history.
Titletown is one of the most uninteresting segments ESPN has done this side of “Who’s Now,” but the other day, while supporting Gainesville’s chances to arbitrarily be dubbed “Titletown,” Erin Andrews did her best Gene Simmons impression.
I know what sports fans will be dreaming about tonight…
In a tournament game in South Point, WV, Portsmouth High hit three home runs in a row on their way to a victory, amazingly, they were hit by triplets, in order of their birth!
Matt, Howard and John Harcha play together for the Portsmouth team and during a May 17th game for the first time ever, the triplets homered in succession. Howard, the oldest by about a minute, generally is derided by his brothers for only having batting practice power, proved them wrong by crushing a grand slam. John followed with a solo shot of his own, and then it was left up to the youngest, Matt.
“I had the most pressure on me,” Matt Harcha said, “the other two hit one and everyone was looking at me. The pressure was on. It was our last home game, and it was my last at bat when I hit mine.”
For the season the triplets combined for 10 homers, John had 5, Matt 4 and Howard just the one. All three are planning on attending Ohio State University in the fall.
After their unique feat, a local sports fan submitted the accomplishment to Ripley’s Believe it or Not, which accepted it. Even neater, the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown is also planning on having an item about their exploit.
“It’s pretty cool,” Matt had to say after the game, “Pretty awesome.”
Oaks Christian, a highly regarded prep-school in California is apparently quite the popular place for the wealthy and talented to drop their teenagers to receive an education; or play sports.
The latest transfer to their football team, I mean academic campus, is one Nicholas Montana. By name he sounds like an excellent old west Marshal, in actuality he’s the son of Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana; you might have heard of him.
Montana is now the 4th quarterback to transfer to the Oaks Christian team, making for quite the crowded backfield–I live for high school football. Recently, another transfer, Tony Macarena, was named the starter after out-competing 6 other players. When pressed for reaction to the newest transfer, Macarena’s only response was a robust hip swing and a sharp turn 90 degrees to the right.
Among the other quarterbacks competing for the starting gig, Trevor Gretzky, son of hockey legend Wayne, brother of hottie Paulina Gretzky. I’m holding out hope for Gretzky, I took him in my REALLY deep fantasy football keeper league and am counting on him to lead my team to glory in 2016.
The grand winner of this competition gets the real prize, he’ll get to throw his passes to Will Smith’s son, sophomore Trey. It’s like an episode of Made!
With such celebrity parents and sports legends, it might be daunting coaching such a team, but according to coach Bill Redell, “What I have found is when you are coaching kids with famous parents, they are humble and the families are very cooperative. They understand the game and they understand decisions have to be made. I’ve never had a problem.”
Could this recruiting class get any better? “Well, Michael Jordan said his son’s coming and Babe Ruth’s great, great grandson is supposed to enroll,” Redell said, before adding, “I’m only kidding.”
So as the Olympics come closer, more stories about the preparations and extreme steps the Chinese are taking to make the games go off well and have the media report good things about China. To that end, the Chinese have created the largest cheerleading squad ever, over 200,000 people! The cheerleaders are comprised of people from all walks of life, from students to retired civil servants–who I’m sure have by far the best moves–and will learn some simple dance steps and have nosiemaking thunderstix to excite the crowds.
From the 200,000 there will also be an elite group of 400 who will server as cheerleaders, dancers and acrobats. To help get these teams ready since China has no history of cheerleaders, the games organizers arranged for the teams to get training from the New England Patriots cheerleaders.
The girls have been training for 4-6 hour days and are gearing up for the games.
“‘Everyone knows cheerleading is a Western activity, but we hope we can find a Chinese way to do it [and] show the world,” says He He, who sports long, dyed-red hair and a sparkly belly-button ring.”
Let the games begin!
08
Jul
08
Subscribe via Email!
So, due to (a) reader request(s), we have now added the option for you to subscribe via email to the Slanch Report. You may click here, or on the Feedblitz icon located on the right under where it says “Subscribe via email.” Please sign up if you are interested, or even if not, because the counter looks sad when the numbers are low. We won’t spam you or send out any crazy emails, it merely will send you an email at night of that days posts so that you may catch up all at once. This just adds one more means for you to get all your Slanch Report information, of course there are also the RSS feeds available as well, or you can just good ol’ fashioned visit the site like you’re doing now.
If anyone has any other requests or suggestions for the site, by all means lemme know and send me an email.
08
Jul
08
I’m Baaaaccccckkkk!
You know, it’s hard out here in the blogging wasteland. Sitting in my underwear and trying to type things to amuse all 6 of you can be very demanding. I took a few days off to sit around a pool, drink some beers and now I’m back, ready to entertain and excite. Also, get ready for some new changes around the site coming soon, including an all-new look. In the meantime, sit back, and let’s get back to it. It’s business time.
Having helped defeat the Russians in the semi-finals, Ballface Linares was totally deflated after the game when he was rejected by 3 different ladies.
You know how you find yourself watching a Nascar or NHRA race and you’re always like, “Damn, this is truly the greatest thing in the world. If only I could somehow have my couch vibrate and shake me to simulate like I too was a driver on the track to make this even better…”
Well good news, introducing, the Buttkicker!
This weekend the NHRA Racing series is going to be installing a bluetooth receiver in the car of Jeg Coughlin Jr. (Jeg? Goddamn that’s a redneck name!) which will enable a viewer at home, using the Buttkicker, to feel exactly like they are riding in the car with Coughlin. The Buttkicker folk are hoping that they will be able to sell subscriptions in the future and add in a slew of other sporting event possibilities too.
After all, the chance to watch football and feel the tackle or feel a collision at the plate while making your balls tingle has always been the dream of any TRUE sports fan.
However, this might be the only way you can get your girlfriend to stay on the couch with you through the entire football season…
Amanda Holden is apparently a judge on Brits Have Talent, a show that I can only imagine is filled with epic performances of people singing old Eton songs, stuffing their faces with scones and of course a guy who can say “quite” 1000 times in a minute. But I’m getting off my point.
In the 1970s photographer Martin Elliott took what became an iconic poster of a woman playing tennis sans the appropriate undergarments of a genteel lady. Since I ain’t genteel, I like the original picture. Holden recently posed for some photos recreating the famous poster, although she chose to be a bit more demure than the original.
Holden isn’t the hottest but for a woman in her late 30s she’s pretty decent, and really this is just an excuse for me to post the original photograph below. First is the original and then the new Holden version, obviously one is better than the other… However, check out a couple more from the shoot that are a bit better after the jump including a tasteful eating strawberries pick and a hint of camel-toe.
The Slanch Report 
Recent Comments