Archive for the 'Douches' Category



04
Dec
09

Former Hooker is the Smartest One in this Tiger Woods Ordeal

The New York Post, bastion of all things sleazy and tawdry have finally gotten the most important voice to weigh in on the whole Tiger Woods saga; one-time call-girl Ashley Dupre.

The former paid paramour of Eliot Spitzer is spitting (swallowing costs extra) mad about all the women coming out of the woodwork to admit that, yes, they too took a drive off Tiger’s iron.

“Here you have all these girls accepting gifts, money, trips from Tiger in exchange for sex — all the while knowing he is married.

“And now they all can’t wait to tell their stories in exchange for even more money from the tabloids?

“And I was the hooker? At least I kept my mouth shut.”

It’s not often that I say a former hooker is the one of the smartest people commenting on a news story — other than when Wolf Blitzer makes an apt point — but Dupre is right. Now can we please move on?

[NY Post]

04
Dec
09

Who’s Not Honoring Stephen Now? Speed Skater Shani Davis!

American speedskater Shani Davis apparently doesn’t appreciate when people take his otherwise rarely noticed sport and provide it with television coverage and, most importantly, pay for all his training costs. Davis told reporters Thursday that he’s not a fan of Stephen Colbert who rallied his legions of fans to contribute and support the US Speed Skating team so that they are able to participate in the upcoming Olympics.

“He’s a jerk,” Shani Davis said after being asked for his take on the comedian’s criticism of Canadians. “You can put that in the paper.”

Davis has trained in Calgary in the past and has also had multiple run-ins with the US Speed skating authorities.

Presumably the comments that irritated Davis include when Colbert referred to the lack of ice-time for the US team on the Vancouver ice: “Those syrup-suckers won’t let us practice at their Olympic venues. At the Salt Lake Games, we let the Canadian luge team take 100 practice runs.”

Colbert isn’t alone in noticing the lack of ice time.

“It’s the Olympics, the point of the Olympics is to bring the whole world together and by doing that they’re kind of separating themselves off from the world,” said rising U.S. star Trevor Marsicano. “… It’s the way it is. I’m not going to complain about it.”

Unlike Davis though, Marsicano appreciates the largess of Colbert and his audience, recognizing that without their help the team would have little chance of success.

“He’s a good thing for U.S. Speedskating,” Marsicano said.

[ESPN]

04
Dec
09

Tiger’s Indiscretions Affect Us All

Lost among the clamor of the Tiger Woods story is the impact that this is having on the people around him. Won’t anyone think of Tiger’s poor neighbors!?! For instance, Ryan Longwell, the place kicker for the Minnesota Vikings lives in the same gated community as Tiger, they’re neighbors actually and since this story broke the coverage has been invasive even on Longwell’s wife and kids.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Won’t anyone think of the children?

[Shutdown Corner]

02
Dec
09

The Media Can’t Get Enough of Tiger, Even When There’s Nothing

I have zero interest in getting into the whole Tiger Woods story, frankly, who gives a shit whether or not he cheats on his wife; besides her, obviously. It does nothing to my life and doesn’t particularly change my opinion of him which is based around the fact that he is a really amazing golfer. Everything else is irrelevant.

Having said that, here is a hilarious clip from Tuesday’s Daily Show where they just straight up eviscerate the cable news channels’ overbearing coverage of a story for which they had practically no factual information but spent dozens of hours wasting oxygen with scurrilous rumors, speculation and innuendo.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I simply don’t get why everyone is so obsessed with this story, the constant rubbernecking in these situations just simply disgusts me. Great, he cheated on his wife, I don’t get it, I’m not a cheater, but I know plenty of dudes who are, it’s not that unusual, but his cheating affects 3 people, his wife and his 2 kids, that’s it. Everyone else is irrelevant. The constant breathless updates from the “news” media are skeevy and perverse.

Besides, none of this is news to me, back when I worked at Men’s Fitness magazine in 2007 I was privy to information that the National Enquirer (which is owned by the same parent company and shares offices) had caught Tiger in flagrante delicto. In exchange for burying the story he agreed to do a cover story for the magazine; something it could never have gotten otherwise with its low profile and shitty sales.  I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. What other men do with their penii is irrelevant to me; It’s only mine I’m concerned with.

[The Daily Show]

25
Nov
09

Court Rules Happy Gilmore Illegal

Canada is simply way too peaceful, they need more crime apparently because the Supreme Court of Nova Scotia has time to rule on asinine golf swing legal cases.

Justice Arthur J. LeBlanc ruled that the “Happy Gilmore” golf swing was ILLEGAL, not for golf, but for CANADA, stating that it “breached the standard of care owed to other players on the course.”

All this started when, in a pre-wedding round of golf, 4 friends hit the links with 28 beers, a bottle of tequila and “some marijuana.” The 28 beers didn’t last long, and so after 9 holes they bought some more. Presumably due to the drinking, one of the men, Travis Hayter was acting loosely and without regard for his surroundings, practicing power slides with the golf cart and almost driving the cart into a pond.

On the 16th hole, Hayer hit a terrible, slicing tee shot into the woods. Not content, he opted to tee it up once more. The second shot was a modest fairway shot. Ever the perfectionist, Hayter hit one more, Happy Gilmore-style. However, his friends had already started up the fairway to their balls; Hayter’s shot struck one of his companions, Alan Bezanonson, in the wrist. In a measure of true friendship, Bezanonson subsequently SUED Hayter for loss of income and damages. Take about Hayterade!

“I am convinced that the ‘Happy Gilmore’ shot,” wrote Judge LeBlanc in his decision after awarding Bezanson $227,500, “would have been less controllable than a normal tee shot, both because it involved a run-up to the ball (rather than an aimed shot from a stationary position) and because the defendant had been drinking throughout the day.”

The bizarre part though is that the nature of the swing itself is irrelevant, would the awarding be DIFFERENT had Hayter taken a “normal” swing? Apparently, golfing drunk isn’t an issue, even if your normal swing ALSO sucks, but as soon as you get “creative” in your shots you’re heading into murky legal territory.

[CS Monitor]

24
Nov
09

BCS Hires Ari Fleischer to Defend the Idiotic

The BCS is probably the most idiotic, asinine, Rube Goldbergian system in all of sports. Instead of having a simple playoffs structure wherein the best teams would play each other to determine the #1 team in the nation, an incredibly complicated and obtuse formula (with so many moving parts and factors that it can ONLY be determined by super-computers) decides what teams play for the championship. This means that sometimes deserving teams like Boise State get jobbed when they needn’t be.

So, if you’re looking to have someone defend something idiotic, asinine and hated by everyone else, where do you turn? The Bush White House of course!

The BCS has hired former White House flak Ari Fleischer, who was the press secretary from 2001-2003. Who better to support indefensible procedures that run contrary to everything that makes intellectual sense and instead lose sight of the original purpose in the first place!

Looks like that playoff system should be in place right around the same time our deficit created by Halliburton starts to get down to the mere $1-5 trillion range.

Fun!

[Politico]

23
Nov
09

You Wouldn’t Like Eddy Curry When He Gets Angry

I’m not surprised that Eddy Curry got violent during his return to action for the Knicks, I’m just thankful that he didn’t eat Rajon Rondo in addition to punching him in the back of the head. To be fair, clearly Rondo deserved this, I mean, how DARE he try for a rebound. That’s EDDY’S ball.

23
Nov
09

America’s Team Doesn’t Show the American Flag

There’s quite a controversy brewing down in Dallas over the Cowboys’ new stadium; while it features all the high-tech amenities fans could want, the lack of a flagpole apparently is rankling some folks.

According to team owner Jerry Jones, “Our stadium is so huge that you really have quite a challenge of displaying it so that everyone can see it,” he said. “So the place to see it the most clear is in the middle of the event [level].”

“The policy really is that the people that are in charge of the event make those arrangements relative to our anthem and recognition of the flag,” he continued.

It being Texas, many people believe that the only way you can show yourself to be patriotic is to have the flag displayed at all times, otherwise, you’re probably an unAmerican godless heathen.

Billy Joe Gabriel was appalled at the stadium’s lack of a flag, “I just always assumed there was a flag everywhere I went,” he said about sports arenas. “Now, I’ll be looking.”

After all, how would anyone watching the game on television know the game was being played in America, with the widespread popularity of football with thousands of professional teams playing all over the world — oh wait…

Jones also mentioned that the team hasn’t found an appropriate place to put the team’s 5 Super Bowl banners, but there hasn’t been any outcry over that.

In fact, there are very few permanent signs in place at the new stadium, nearly everything is presented on digital screens, allowing for versatility and easy changes.

“We have the ability to put things in and around that stadium that is a hundred times what we had at Texas Stadium,” Jones said. “But you do it digitally. We may very well have [the Super Bowl banners] on the digital boards before we’re through.”

Honestly, who gives a shit. So there’s no flag, if you came to a giant football stadium to stare at a flag you’re a giant asshole. It’s embarrassing enough that the only time people hear the National Anthem or think about it is at a sports game that has ZERO to do with America or Americans. Go to the game, watch the players and then leave, it’s sports, they serve as escapes, so please let the rest of us escape and keep your simple-minded protests regarding flag placement in your minute-sized brains.

[Dallas News]

20
Nov
09

Anaheim Fans Battle Over Who is Mightiest

Anaheim (Mighty) Duck Scott Niedermeyer generously skated over to the fans and gave away his stick the other night, tossing it over the boards. Showing true fellowship for their fellow man, it led to a fight between two Ducks fans jousting one another for the memento. Now you can enjoy making fun of these people from your computer!

19
Nov
09

Jeter and Minka Take a Vacation Together

With his 5th championship wrapped up, Derek Jeter jetted off to St. Barts for a deserved vacation; while he should have traveled alone, he opted instead to bring his girlfriend, Minka Kelly with him as well. Doesn’t he know that she is supposed to be with me and not him?

The two haven’t been seen too much by the other guests but one enterprising photographer managed some shots of the two in the water. Ever the gossip-mongers the NY Post insists that the two are “coyly telling pals to be prepared for a wedding soon,” something they have touted with every single Jeter relationship. Besides, we all know that she would NEVER settle for him when there are sports bloggers available.

[NY Post]

18
Nov
09

No One Likes to See a Sad (Game) Cock

I love crowd shots where you see unhappy fans; providing of course that I am not rooting for one of those sad-inducing teams. Here is an especially displeased University of South Carolina fan putting the cock in Game Cocks as a slew of Florida fans around him celebrate.

18
Nov
09

DJ Shows Up in Brown-Face to Sammy Sosa’s Birthday

Sammy Sosa has no sense of humor; or at least that’s what Enrique Santos — a radio DJ and the self-declared King of All Spanglish Media — claims after he was unceremoniously banned from Sosa’s birthday party before he even made it through the doors for showing up in brown-face. Santos arrived looking as though he’d perhaps put a bit too much bronzer on his face, and despite being an invited guest to the party, a publicist came up to Santos and told him “You can’t make fun of [Sosa],” referring to the embarrassing photo of Sosa where he seems to have been bleaching his skin, before kicking Santos to the curb.

“I’m currently using a cream which has darkened my complexion,” Santos tongue-in-cheek told her, “Ironically, Sammy is going through the same process, but the cream he is using is making him white.”

The publicist was not amused, “I explained to her that it was a special cream I was using that darkened my face and then I asked her, ‘How many women in here are wearing makeup?” but she wasn’t having it. Was I not white enough for Sammy’s party or have the millions gotten to his head–I mean skin?”

[Enrique Sosa]




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