Archive for July, 2009

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16
Jul
09

Bring the Pain

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Tennis
Tags: , ,

C_67_article_2054152_body_articleblock_0_bodyimageMark Pain was the tennis coach at the Reading Tennis Club in olde England, that is until a group of 14 year old girls noticed him masturbating in his car. Parked in front of the Whitley Sexual Health Clinic, the 49 year old was full-on pleasuring himself when the girls espied him and reported it to authorities.

The prosecuting attorney, Andrew Isaacs had this to say regarding the incident:

It was around 8pm on Tuesday, May 19, in the car park of the clinic in Northumberland Avenue. He was in his car and wearing a black baseball cap and T-shirt. [The girls] noticed the car was parked and he was just sitting there. [One girl] looked into the car and could see he was masturbating. The girls waited at a nearby bus stop and he drove past them slowly and did this about eight times. The girl who saw this [the masturbating] take place described how she was frightened by what was happening and was concerned about the number of times he drove past. The two others said they knew what the individual was doing was wrong but were not sure what to do.

Reportedly Pain told police he had just finished playing tennis and started to “feel himself.”

After the hearing Pain announced “I am quitting my job.” You don’t say? I always knew the Brits were understated but that’s just impressive. Also, go Giants, right?! Ha.

[Get Reading]

16
Jul
09

Fox Blows it With Their Whorish Ways

By slanch 20 Comments
Categories: Baseball, Douches and Television
Tags: , ,

I don’t watch crappy television, so I’ve never seen Fringe on Fox, they however are desperate to try and get me to by putting a subtle plug for it in last night’s All Star game. When President Obama threw the ceremonial first pitch, they added in a blatant advertisement for the show.

Obama_pitch_Fox_Fringe_fail
That creepy bald dude is apparently some character on Fringe called “The Observer,” nicely done Fox, you just guaranteed I will never EVER watch that show. Now THAT’S marketing!

[The Sporting News]

16
Jul
09

Softball Coach Gets a Raw Deal

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , ,

92587After guiding his Walkersville High softball team to the 2A Western Region title this spring, Brad Young hosted a post-season cookout and pool party for his team. Several of the parents brought some beer to the party and that led to Young being dismissed from his position for violating his school district’s regulations prohibiting alcohol at any school function.

Although none of the players or Young were drinking or had access to the alcohol and none of the adults were or became intoxicated, Young received a letter from the school board informing him they were relieving him of his position.
Some of the girls parents have, in turn, stepped up on behalf of the team’s coach.

Bob McNally, father of two players on this year’s team, said he brought beer to the team function at Young’s home, unaware it would be a school system policy violation for the coach to permit it at a team party.

“None of the students had access to alcohol or were drinking,” McNally said in a phone interview Monday. “The girls simply had a lot of fun. And Brad (Young) did not drink. In no way shape or form did any parents or school employee put any of the students in jeopardy or do anything illegal or immoral.”

McNally described Young as a “great role model for those kids,” and “a mentor who gives 150 percent” for the students-athletes in his charge.

“It wasn’t an intentional violation,” NcNally said. “The punishment doesn’t fit the crime.”

Seems to me that this coach got totally shafted, the parents admit it wasn’t him, that he wasn’t drinking and that he’s a great role-model. I think the school board had better reinstate him and soon, because he’s getting totally boned.

[Frederick News-Post]

15
Jul
09

“Dad Told Me to Do It”

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , ,

hstreaker“Dad told me to do it.” That’s the reason a 14-year old boy (not pictured) gave to police after being arrested for running on the field at a Charlotte Knights minor league game on Saturday. Thanks to a beach bag give-away, post-game fireworks and the Gwinnett Braves there was a larger than usual crowd on hand for the excitement. After being led away by the police, the boy told them that his father, Jeffrey Richards, had dared him to do it and even had told him he’d be “a man” if he did. Now THAT’S parenting!

The police then arrested his father as well, charging him with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The dad was released on bond the next day but his son was held in jail until Tuesday morning when the next session of Family Court convened which absolutely has to suck.

“I said, ‘Boy, if you do, you’d be the man,'” Richards said. “It wasn’t like we went to the rail and helped him over or anything. I think he thought it was going to be funny. He’s more of a prankster than a troublemaker. It’s nothing mean or spiteful. You hate it because there were 9,000 people there. You can’t necessarily slap him on the wrist and let him go back. The sheriff’s office had to do what they had to do.”

Sounds to me like someone just earned an Xbox from his dad in order to try and gloss over having to spend 3 days in jail for a dare.

[Charlotte Observer]

15
Jul
09

Cubs Security Are Hard-Asses

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: ,

For 65 years Yosh Kawano (front left) served as the equipment manager of the Chicago Cubs, retiring last season. Two weeks ago he went back to Wrigley — something he has done frequently since his retirement — to visit some of the grounds crew. 6SRibRUIThe team was out of town and three security guards came up to Kawano and told him he had been spotted by the security cameras and needed to leave. Interestingly enough, the Cubs home locker room IS NAMED AFTER HIM.

Club officials didn’t know about the incident when it happened and have said they will be contacting Kawano directly ”to let Yosh know he is always welcome,” senior vice president Michael Lufrano said.

”They [the security guards] apologized to me and said it bothered them,” Kawano said. ”They said I’m not supposed to be there when [the team] isn’t there. How do you think I felt? It’s embarrassing.”

Last season the team had a special day in his honor and flew a flag with his name over the stadium. In addition, along with the players and announcers the team has honored, a flag for Kawano hangs in the main concourse.

”Yosh was a fixture here for 65 years, and we celebrated him with a day in his honor last June 26,” Lufrano said. ”He has a standing invitation to come to any game here and we’ve offered to find ways to help him and his family in any way, and we’ll be in touch with him to express that again.”

Kawano went to Cooperstown last June to give them his trademark floppy hat for display at the Baseball Hall of Fame and has been nominated for the HoF’s Buck O’Neil award for lifetime achievement in baseball. Apparently those credentials aren’t enough for the Cubs crack security teams.

[WBBM]

15
Jul
09

Pimped Out Ride Gets Ganked

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , ,

Carolina Panthers linebacker Thomas Davis reported to police that last Saturday his car was stolen; it shouldn’t be too hard for the police to spot, it is a 1975 custom painted purple Chevrolet Caprice Classic with his portrait on the trunk. The $136,000 car with multiple upgrades and special features which includes a custom steering wheel with Davis’ name and football number on it. The car is so pimped out it was featured prominently in an article about Davis and his rides in the car pimping magazine, Dubs.

Sitting in his driveway, the car was swiped at some point on Saturday night, I don’t know what the thieves were thinking, yes the car is dope, but you can’t drive that thing ANYWHERE without being super obvious right?

[Charlotte Observer via Sporting News]

15
Jul
09

Stealing 70,000 Bills from Buffalo

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , ,

A former Buffalo Bills employee has been charged with embezzling $70,000 and she subsequently turned herself in to authorities on Monday. Bonnie Krauss, the former Assistant to the Vice President of Marketing and Broadcasting allegedly falsified expense reports over a period of several years, keeping some of the money for herself. Reportedly, the organization is very disappointed because she was a long-term employee that they trusted implicitly.

However, the Bills seem to be totally OK with their players stealing millions of dollars from the team who paid them to to perform at a high level and are simply incapable of doing so — we’re looking at YOU JP Losman…

Seems patently unfair to me. Krauss meanwhile is facing 15 years in prison, although since she doesn’t have any priors, if she repays the money she’s not likely to face a steep sentence.

[WGRZ]

14
Jul
09

Canterbury Tales

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , ,

g0da2584b660ddbe45e4f87189bab0721d0ffdaeebe6578Having never been done at the Major League level, and only once in all of the minor leagues, the Home Run Cycle is the rarest of rare in baseball. High schooler Eli Canterbury however can say that, for one day, he did something legendary after completing the feat last Wednesday during a 19-1 victory in the District 1 All-Star tournament in Barboursville, WV.

“After the first one, I never dreamt it would happen again,” his mom, Angela Canterbury said. “To be honest, I just didn’t want him to strike out.”

Even cooler than just doing the deed, Canterbury hit the 4 home runs in order; his first at-bat was a solo shot and when he strode to the plate in his final AB — with the 2-run and 3-run shots already taken care of — the bases were full, and soon, the ball was flying over the fence, a Grand Slam.

“I don’t really know what I thought. He pitched it and I hit it,” Eli Canterbury said. “I just tried to swing straight and stay level.”

Awesome. Simply AWESOME.

[Herald-Dispatch]

14
Jul
09

The Devil Is in the Uniforms

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , ,

At Saturday’s Rays game, they wore some retro uniforms, all the way back to the good ol’ days of 1998! Since dropping the “Devil” part of their name, the Rays have won 145 games over the last season and a half, add in the teams first winning season/playoff appearance/World Series appearance and it seems like dropping the Beelzebubian part of their name has worked.

In Saturday’s game manager Joe Maddon was ejected, the team’s 4-game win streak was halted, catcher Dioner Navarro was taken to the hospital after taking a foul ball off the side of his face and worst of all, SMASH MOUTH played a concert at the Tropicana after the game.

We just seem to play better in a Rays uniform,” said Joe Maddon. “That was not pretty.”

I wouldn’t expect to see the “retro” uniforms again any time soon.

Also, to be fair, I used to really like the Smash Mouth first album.

[The Ledger]

14
Jul
09

So That’s AN Idea

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Olympics, Other Sports and Random
Tags: , , ,

campbell2A medal hopeful for the 2012 Olympic games in London, New Zealand’s Ben Campbell came up with a unique idea to raise money for his taekwando training, he wants to open a brothel.

“There is no point me going to the Olympics to make up the numbers if I go I want to be a medal contender,” he told a local television station. Campbell, who needs to raise $190,000 over the next two years in order to compete he says may be now barred from the games for his “gentlemen’s club” business venture.

Taekwondo New Zealand’s Secretary General Matt Ransom said that “It may be unlikely that he will be selected because of his involvement.”

Under New Zealand law, he is legally allowed to open a brothel, but that apparently doesn’t matter to his sport’s national governing body.

“This is perfectly legal, so I do not see why I would wreck my chances,” Campbell said, he added that if other people had worthwhile other options he’d listen, but as yet, nothing else had emerged.

I understand, there is simply too much money in running a brothel to pass up. Plus the perks! You know, like going to conventions and getting newsletters and stuff. What did you think I meant?

[CNN]

14
Jul
09

National Fail

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , ,

2008106662How do you replace a manager who starts off his major league career going 157-251, a .385 winning percentage? If you’re the Washington National Failures you do so with a 522-652 career record, good for a .445 winning percentage. SUCCESS!

After ousting Manny Acta, who was never given a fair chance, or a Major League team for that matter, the Nationals have hired Jim Riggleman the failed former Padres, Cubs and Mariners manager. I’m sure this will lead to success.

What, Butch Hobson wasn’t available?

[ESPN]

14
Jul
09

Pujols Puts His Money Where His Mouth is

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: ,

albert-pujolsDuring the home run bonanzas of the steroid days, then-SI writer Rick Reilly challenged Sammy Sosa to take a piss test to prove he didn’t use steroids. Despite being a douche of the umpteenth degree, Reilly has been proven right. Now, while putting up one of the best first-halves in the history of the game, Albert Pujols is trying to be the hero that baseball needs, the one that everyone thought Alex Rodriguez was, until he proved to have been a steroids user too.

“I can understand people being disappointed with A-Rod and Manny,” Pujols says, “But just because Manny made a mistake, now I have to pay? Just because A-Rod made a mistake, now I have to pay? Oh, guilt by association? That’s wrong.”

“For people to be suspicious of me because of the year I’m having and for people to say I just haven’t been caught, that makes me angry and disappointed.

“I would never do any of that crap. You think I’m going to ruin my relationship with God just because I want to get better in this game? You think I’m going to ruin everything because of steroids?”

Already tested he says 6 times, Pujols says that if that isn’t enough, he’s willing to be tested EVERY DAY, and if he is caught using anything banned, he’ll repay to his employers, the St. Louis Cardinals every cent they’ve paid him.

“Come test me every day if you want. Everything I ever made in this game I would give back to the Cardinals if I got caught,” he told reporters.

In this day and age when the fans look at all the players as tainted, I desperately hope that Pujols is the real deal. I don’t care that much about steroids, if everyone was doing them, so be it, it’s unfortunate for the ones who weren’t, but they weren’t complaining when their salaries were rising thanks to the steroids users. However, I want Pujols to be clean.

Albert Pujols is simply too damn good at baseball. If he is using steroids it might break my heart. I want to believe that the things I see him do are legit, I want to believe that a human being is capable of being as incredible as he is; if he were to test positive I don’t know what I’d do.

At this point, no one would surprise me, but Pujols would disappoint me. I hope these statements of his are true, that he is clean and that the evidence will back it up. Baseball needs him. I need him. And at least one of my fantasy teams needs him too.

[USA Today]

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