Phil Kessel made his debut last night for the Toronto Maple Leafs after off-season shoulder surgery and a trade from the Bruins. Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Mattias Ohlund brought the welcome wagon in to greet Kessel in the first period with a devastating hit that ultimately sent Kessel to the dressing room to repair a split lip.
Kessel returned though to register 10 shots on goal, although was held without a point. That shouldn’t last long though for the dynamic goal-scorer, despite the fact the Leafs are flat-out miserable.
Fresh off agreeing to a 5-year $55 million contract, Rajon Rondo and the 4-0 Celtics took on the woeful Philadelphia 76’ers last night. The Celtics ran the Sixers all over the floor, the Celts were kicking so much ass that their stars like Garnett barely logged any minutes; there simply was no need. One of the highlights of the game was this circus shot from Rondo over the backboard which reminds me of the old clip of Larry Bird doing the same.
Larry’s shot took place when I was all of 4, but I do remember seeing clips of it run constantly during Celts games and I spent a hell of a long time mastering that shot. For the record I fucking OWN that spot just behind the backboard.
Not content with just being the world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt has adopted a pet that makes sure IT is faster than the rest of his neighbors’ animals, a cheetah.
In an effort to help save the endangered cheetahs, Bolt formally adopted a three-month-old cub to which he gave one of his own monikers to, naming it Lightning Bolt.
The cub will cost Bolt $3,000 a year after he paid an initial $13,700 so that it can live in an animal orphanage in Nairobi.
At first reluctant of the fully grown cheetahs, Bolt was very comfortable holding and feeding Lightning Bolt from a bottle.
While Bolt’s top speed is around 25 MPH, Lightning Bolt should be able to reach 65 MPH at least, with some cheetahs going even faster. All this means now that Usain and Lightning Bolt should be kept out of the neighborhood owner/pet race.
This video isn’t new, but I have been long-remiss in never posting it. If you have ever played ping-pong and thought, “Hey, I could do this a lot better with nunchuks instead of a paddle,” this video is definitely for you. Apparently it’s an ad for Nokia in China, but regardless, it is a real video featuring Bruce Lee playing some ping-pong with the aforementioned nunchuks and then using them, with a bit of sandpaper, to light a cigarette. Awesome!
If you missed last night’s Colbert Report, you missed out on the news that Stephen Colbert is using his well-documented power as a leader to rally his audience for the US Olympic Speed Skating team. Facing a dire budget situation after their Dutch sponsor, DSB Bank NV went bankrupt. With the games only a few months away, the speed skating team, which has historically been one of the highest medal-yielding sports for the Americans in the games, faced a $300,000 deficit for its athletes.
On his show last night, Colbert announced that the Colbert Nation will be sponsoring the team and called on his viewers to contribute to the cause. Colbert has also previously asked his viewers to contribute to The Yellow Ribbon Fund, a charity aiding former armed service members and their families to great success and hopes that his sizable audience will follow his urging once more, promising victory for the Americans.
“On their enormous, billboard thighs, it will say, ‘Colbert Nation,'” Colbert said in an interview before Monday’s show. “Be looking for that logo as it comes around the final turn. It will be easy to see because it will be in first place.”
U.S. Speedskating executive director Robert Crowley came onto the Report last night and acknowledged it was a “definitely unconventional arrangement,” but one that should proved beneficial.
“We’re highly optimistic that the country is going to get behind this and get behind the Colbert Nation and support this amazing team,” Crowley said. “I don’t have any idea if it’s going to make $5 or $500,000. I couldn’t tell you.”
I think it’s safe to say that speed skaters will be liberally used on the Report in the next few months which is a win for us all. Although, Colbert admitted there are certain drawbacks about sponsoring a Winter Olympics team:
“It still tragically involves a lot of Canadians. It’s kind of unseemly how many Canadians I’m going to have to be dealing with.”
Erin Andrews spent her time away off from ESPN doing something right, because now that she’s back on the air she’s in even better shape than before as this picture from a recent game shows. Is there a condition better than game-ship? Ship-shape? All I know is that everything about this outfit works for me. The sideline princess is back and I for one couldn’t be more thankful. Yowzers.
After massive flooding in the 1990s from the Mississippi overtook some fish farms, a horde of silver carp, a non-native species found their way into the river and are now reeking havoc on the local ecosystem. With no natural predator, the carp have been breeding like crazy and, more problematically, eating the plankton that juvenile native fish would normally eat. Now the native fish are dying out due to a lack of food and the carp are spreading out.
The carp are bony and don’t taste particularly good, they also are full of PCBs and mercury, making them all the less appetizing. They also don’t eat flies and so catching them with a rod and reel is nearly impossible. Besides being a menace to the ecosystem, the carp constantly are jumping out of the water to avoid humans, and in the process can slam into us, causing broken bones, bruising and even concussions.
Chris Brackett has come up with a unique way to curb the population, something he calls aerial bow-fishing. Riding in a 20-foot boat along the river, Brackett notches an arrow and waits for the fish to jump out of the water, as they do, he fires and takes them out.
“For the foreseeable future, there is still an opportunity for virtually unlimited shooting and harvest of Asian carps by bowfishers, in many parts of the invaded range,” said Duane Chapman, a research fisheries biologist for the United States Geological Survey. “Recreational fishers and bowfishers should not feel bad about killing all the Asian carp they want to kill. Every little bit helps.”
While it is illegal to use a gun to fish, there are really no regulations against using a bow. “The invasives really do present a guilt-free pleasure for those who bowfish,” said Robert Rice of Carpbusters, a group advocating the removal of invasive fish by arrow or hook. “The common carp, silver carp and now-emerging snakeheads provide plenty of quarry for most people in the country.”
Brackett meanwhile has turned his aerial bow-fishing into a semi-lucrative business, taking tours of other bow-enthusiasts out on the water, has filmed a DVD that has sold thousands of copies and has produced a bow-hunting television show.
“Anyone who would give us a hard time does not live where we live,” he said. “I foresee it being a problem for some folks, but they have yet to see the damage they do here [to the local bass population.]”
A bad day got far worse for one Aberdeen soccer fan who was taken to the hospital after having his sheep costume set on fire. Earlier in the day the Aberdeen football club lost 2-0 to Hibernian in the Scottish Premier League and the train was taking fans from Edinburgh back to Aberdeen.
One man was arrested for reportedly starting the fire (FINALLY, we know who started it! Someone wake up the drunken Billy Joel!) which caused the sheep-clad fan to run through the train while aflame. Witnesses said that he was running, arms flailing through the train-cars still on fire as fellow travelers tried to douse the flames with the only liquid on hand, beer. A passenger from Stonehaven, Aberdeenshire, said “His whole costume was on fire. It was like a scene from a horror movie.”
That was less than successful. The unfortunate fan is in serious but stable condition.
Being lit on fire is pretty terrible, but then, it’s still better than what most people in Aberdeen do to sheep. In fact there are TONS of Aberdeen sheep jokes on the Internet, for example:
Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Aberdeen?
A: A leisure centre.
Two Dons supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Dons Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Dons Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Dons Fan 1: Fuck the sheep!!!
Dons Fan 2: …(pause)… Do you think we have time?
Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with Five sheep?
A: A pimp.
With the sale of the Chicago Cubs finalized, the Ricketts family are officially the newest owners of a major league team. In doing so, they made history; while older brother Tom is the leading face of the ownership group, he shares equity with his three siblings and their parents, his sister Laura becomes the first openly gay owner in a professional sports league.
Funny, I always thought it’d be a WNBA owner first…
“I think for a long time I wasn’t really out to myself growing up in Omaha, Neb., to a Catholic conservative family,” Laura Ricketts said. “It took me a while to come out to myself and not long after that I came out to them. I think that it really couldn’t of been a better experience. They were all immediately supportive. … I have been really really fortunate in that regard.”
I can only hope that this first step inspires or encourages the first active openly out player; it’s embarrassing how homosexuality is treated within sports and it is shameful and it’s time to change.
It has become a ubiquitous Internet meme, since Michael Jackson’s death everyone and their goofy cousin with a webcam has put up their version of the Thriller dance. Guess what, none of y’all are Michael and very few of you can dance. That doesn’t stop those in the sports world from trying to get involved too though.
First off is Matti Höylä, a Finnish goaltender who takes some time during warm-ups to showcase his dance moves for the crowd. He’s not too shabby considering he’s covered in bulky padding, but he loses points because doing the moonwalk is pretty easy on ice.
Then there is the LSU Tigers mascot Mike the Tiger who put together this video of himself dancing for the Capital One Mascot Challenge. It features special effects, an impressive mascot-sized red leather outfit and most importantly, the Tigers cheerleaders. That alone should be enough to sway you.
So, which one do you guys think is better, chime in with a comment below.
If you know of a better catch made this week in football I’d love to see it. Otherwise, Missouri’s Jerrell Jackson gets the title this week. This circus catch is simply ridiculous, how he even managed to grab it when the pass was well behind him, let along with one hand, and then to hang on and finish the play?
Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS! SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!
The Slanch Report 
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