Posts Tagged ‘Plaxico Burress

04
Nov
09

Padilla Does His Best Plaxico Impression

padillaVincente Padilla was unceremoniously dumped by the Texas Rangers in August despite the fact that he was a (reasonably) dependable starter on a contending team that is always desperate for pitching. His teammates and the organization were tired of his antics and decided they were better off without him, even though they didn’t have an adequate replacement.

Of course, he signed on with the Dodgers and then seemingly rejuvenated his career by going 4-0 with an ERA of 3.2o and pitching very efficiently (besides game5 of the NLCS) in the post-season. Back home now in his native Nicaragua there are several conflicting reports but what is certain is that Padilla was shot in the leg.

One report states that he was at a firing range and his bodyguard accidentally shot Padilla in the league when trying to fix Padilla’s gun. Another says that Padilla was hurt in a “hunting accident” and that is how is leg was grazed with the bullet.

Regardless, it was just an example of the extremely hairy-armed Padilla being  Plaxico. The injury shouldn’t be a problem by spring training but may make Padilla’s free agency a bit more interesting.

[LA Times]

23
Dec
08

Shakespeare Presents: Plaxico

You can call me a dork, but this piece from McSweeney’s makes me very happy. Titled “Recovered Scenes from the Tragedy Plaxico by William Shakespeare” it is both hilarious and smart, just like me! If you don’t read this, then you’re just an asshole.

I particularly like the Eli Manning soliloquy:

Act III, scene iv.

The Meadowlands, locker room.

Enter ELI MANNING.

Eli
O Miasma, rank with sweat unlaunder’d!
Effluvium most foul, I have thee ponder’d.
All my vict’ries—aye, today’s included—
Are, with odors stale, at last concluded.
Always thus: to men of great conceiving
Parasitic stench is ever cleaving.
Could Alexander, in his conquest wide,
Lack e’er the scent of flesh’s crimson tide?
Or awesome Khan, unmatch’d in worldly earning,
Escape the fetid balm of Asia burning?
And so, unslak’d, each triumph of ambition
Is companied by fragrance of perdition.
Verily, this soul is parch’d with wanting—
Plaxico, thy glory is my haunting!
I have a brother’s shadow overstepp’d,
And from repute to fool so stead’ly crept.
The barber has with insult grown absurd,
And obsolete the writer’s scornful word.
But, though I’m toasted past what thirst could bear,
The spirits are a swill I cannot share.
Alas, that nature is so firm affix’d,
And not with wisdom’s fairer visage mix’d!
But by the very devil am I urg’d
To fast assure that Plaxico is purg’d;
And, being to my cause so tightly bound,
I hereby cease to plead the wav’ring sound.
Forsooth, this loaded gun shall serve as arm
By which his head is lock’d in crux of harm.
I wrap it now in semblance of a gift
And set it in our locker room adrift,
Where’pon it be discover’d and display’d
And as a nameless gift to him convey’d.
And bless us, Fortune: dimly Plaxico
Shall bear the arm unwittingly, and so,
In time unholy, wholly walk red-handed,
Likewise caught, and as a sinner branded.
Tolerance would not be further carried—
A vain receiver’s legend thus is buried!

And, should this hatchèd plot take wing and fly,
I am the apple o’ the Apple’s eye.


05
Dec
08

NYPD Inspires Lots of Confidence

Plaxico Burress has been all over the news cycle this week, as everyone wants to, deservedly, pile on him. Now the case is in the sure hands of the NYPD who have been on the case since the instant it happened. If by investigating and handling the situation I mean they only learned about it by seeing the story “scrolling along on ESPN.” That’s a bang-up job there Lou.

02
Dec
08

Do Not Mess With Brandon Jacobs

The New York Giants are nothing but targets right now it seems. Plax shoots himself, Steve Smith got robbed last week and so, intrepid reporters are talking to the rest of the Giants to see how the players handle their own security. Take Brandon Jacobs, the 6’4″, 264 lb behemoth who loves to run over linebackers and safeties who is worried about his own safety. “It’s tough out there for us and a lot of people don’t know that. It’s tough in everyday life for us to be targeted. Some people are very bothered by it. That’s why I stay home.”

However, don’t mess with Jacobs’ family or that brutal football stallion will come out on you.

“In the streets, with me, there’s no need for it,” Jacobs said. “But if you come between that door frame in my home, I’m going to kill you.”

Asked if he has a gun in his home, Jacobs said only, “Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth.”

So, um, I’d say he’s got a bunch of guns. Big ones.




Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!
SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!

March 2019
M T W T F S S
« Jan    
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

Categories