The Slanch Report

When you’re the despotic leader of a former superpower who has been forced by silly constitutional rules into an ostensibly ceremonial Prime Minister position so you can maintain an iron-grip on your country, sometimes you need something different in your life. Also, French President Nicholas Sarkozy has been traipsing around Europe showing off his new supermodel wife getting all the publicity and attention and it simply isn’t fair! Finally, seeing as how, besides Richard Branson, Vladimir Putin is the closest thing we have in the world to a legitimate Bond villain, it only makes sense that he took umbrage to these offenses and finally upgraded his accessories to fit his lifestyle.

Since 1983 Putin was married to a woman named Lyudmila–it just rolls off the tongue so lyrically doesn’t it–whom he met after she graduated college and who is quite the handsome woman. In fact, she kinda looks like what the offspring of Hillary Clinton and Liza Minnelli would be, spooky.

It seems, though, that he’s decided to trade in for a newer model; maybe not the classiest thing to do, but that’s the course he’s taken. Clearly peeved that Sarkozy was getting so much worldwide attention, Putin started to feel marginalized, like his giant stocks of nuclear weapons were meaningless solely because some French philanderer banged a supermodel. Russian pride was on the line! Like any good Bond villain, he needs appropriate arm-candy to be respected at the secret evil-doers meetings that are held, someone who will steal the eyes of men around him as he plays baccarat in Monaco so he can pour poison into someone’s glass. You know, the standard affairs of state.

Attempting to one-up Sarkozy’s catch, Putin has started seeing Alina Kabaeva, a 24 year old gold medal winning gymnast, known particularly for her extreme flexibility, turned representative in the Russian Duma for Youth Rights.

Hot.

For Putin, who has daughters aged 22 and 21, this might be just a little awkward, but he’s a man of action so it shouldn’t dissuade him much; Putin is not one to shy away from the young, after all he’s always been a lover of children. I’m sure it was a hard choice, after all, Lyudmila had been a seemingly loyal partner for decades, but Kabaeva can easily flip her legs over her head. This is why Putin is so loved in Russia, his decision-making ability. I feel confident that the majority of Russia would have made the same move. Putin is a man who knows what to think with, anytime you can get a girl who can contort her body like that, you jump at that opportunity.

The biggest regret about this whole situation is that these one-upmanship world leaders battles of dating and marrying the super-hot women began after Bill Clinton was out of office! If there is any leader who would have loved to have gotten into this steamy style of affair it is ol’ Bill, but now, it’s too late and he won’t ever have the chance. I consider it a travesty. Bill could have dated Britney Spears, back when she was hot, think of the prestige that would have given our country and government! Alas, we were left with this instead…

Anyway, Alina Kabaeva is a smokeshow and I salute Putin for putting his interests out there and taking what he wanted. I don’t remember ever seeing Stalin with any hot broads so this is one more thing that Putin has over ol’ Unky Joe.

(Stick around after the jump for a pantsload of more hot Anna Kabaeva pictures)

Continue reading ‘Putin Puts In For an Upgrade’