The Slanch Report

Sometimes people just gift themselves over as blog fodder, like the couple busted for boning in the bathroom during the Iowa Hawkeyes’ rout of the Minnesota Gophers. The woman in question, who has subsequently been identified as Lois Feldman of Carroll, Iowa has said that this whole situation has ruined her life. Feldman, who calls herself a light drinker stated that she had some wine at a friend’s home before the game, and that that led to all the problems.

At some point during the game, she got up to go to the bathroom, and met Ross Walsh, who she decided to immediately rail in a men’s bathroom. I know that always happens to me when I get drunk. Feldman’s husband, a giant pussy of a man named Kelly, blames himself for the whole incident, believing that he should have gone with her to the bathroom. Kelly, if your 38 year old wife is unable to go to the bathroom without FUCKING SOME RANDO DUDE along the way, you have a lot of other issues going on in the marriage. Maybe that’s just me, but then again, MY wife didn’t fuck a stranger in a football stadium bathroom…How about instead of blaming yourself, blame your 38 year old wife, who is the mother to your three kids for not having any semblance of self-control. It’s one thing to be drunk and kiss someone, it’s quite another to instantly fuck them in a men’s bathroom with a crowd cheering you on.

Sadly, Feldman has been fired from her job, (although the reasoning behind that is beyond me) which is truly unfortunate, but her being upset at the notoriety she has received from this incident is ridiculous. She got drunk and instantly nailed a stranger in a bathroom, while her husband sat meekly in the stands, I have no sympathy for you. I’ve been drunk before, I even once was blackout drunk, you know what I didn’t do? Have sex with a stranger in a bathroom. I did make out with a poster for a little while, but I dare you to look at this poster and not be aroused.

Of course, Feldman and her husband went to see a lawyer about getting rid of the misdemeanor ticket, but according to Chuck Miner, a stadium security guard, “It’s spelled out in the law in Minnesota that intoxication is not a defense to any crime,” so good luck with that.

Meanwhile the mother of three and her husband are trying to move on with their lives. Here’s a suggestion to Kelly, when your wife gets drunk, apparently she fucks EVERYONE, so maybe lay off the wine coolers next time eh? Especially when going to a giant crowd of people. Or else who knows, next time she might be the halftime spectacular.

h/t to Graney and the Pig for digging up the Feldman photo