I’m no Jimmy Kimmel fan, but this clip he made advertising a special new Tiger Woods-related product is absolutely worth watching, not least of all because it includes BILLY DEE WILLIAMS! I’d go on, but that alone should be enough for you to watch it.
Archive for the 'Football' Category
A month after closing a loophole in the Rhode Island prostitution laws, legislators are already seeing results after the State Police arrested 14 people for prostitution-related crimes. Up until recently, prostitution was legal INDOORS, but the state legislature took care of that fun technicality and made it illegal and all prostitution acts a misdemeanor.
Among the 8 men arrested was 47-year-old Warwick, RI resident Robert Sormanti who is one of several people who perform the duties of Pat the Patriot, the New England football team’s mascot. The team was less than enthused releasing in a statement:
“The Pat Patriot mascot costume is worn by multiple people, each of whom are held responsible and accountable for their actions. The individual in question has been suspended. The mascot responsibilities will continue to be fulfilled by others.”
All the arrests were conducted via sting operations through Craigslist. In the first one, police pretended to be a woman offering sex in exchange for money. The second ad focused on a trooper responding to other ads placed on Craigslist. In a hopeful sign of the economy’s recovery, one of the prostitutes told police that she makes $1,000 a day and business for two of the women appeared very lucrative. One of them arrived at the meeting place in a new Mercedes and the other in a 750-series BMW.
As the weather turns colder all over, the first big-time snowstorm recently hit Green Bay. Count Packers head coach Mike McCarthy as one of the more excited people for the storm because it gives him the chance to show-off, and use, his snowblower!
“I went and did two neighbors last night because two people didn’t have their driveways done,” said McCarthy. “We have a Case IH tractor that has a snowblower on the front of it. We’re able to do the street if needed,”
“It’s more fun than work, to be honest with you.”
For McCarthy, who presumably is otherwise very busy with the business of being an NFL head coach says that plowing for him is a source of stress relief and that just using the snowblower is fun for him, to the point where he has trouble sleeping before he’s able to use the machine.
“I can’t wait to get up and get going. It’s exciting.”
[620 WTMJ]
10
Dec
09
Good News for Your Eyesight
After a grand total of 1 game, the Seattle Seahawks are retiring their hideous puke-green uniforms because, as head coach Jim Mora Jr. says, “we didn’t win in them.”
Fans without taste will be devastated.
[ESPN]
Proving themselves already stronger than the failed XFL, the Lingerie Football League is preparing for its second season already, with an expansion team opening for business in Nashville. While I’m sure there won’t be much difficulty in finding enough adequately skilled players, rounding out the coaching staff might be a bit tougher.
In order to facilitate the search, the team has posted an ad up on a startup job seekers website. From the ad:
OverviewWe are looking to Hire a Head Coach for the Nashville Lingerie Football Team.ResponsibilitiesTo coach and manage team. Travel and attend all games. Report to Team Manager, Tryout Players, and attend social functions as needed.ExperienceMust have in depth experience in football whether by coaching or professional play.Very interested in Ex- NFL Players or Retired NFL Players.SkillsPossess the skills necessary to coach a professional sports team.EducationA Business Management Degree a plusCompensationDiscussed at interview
The team is also looking for assistant coaches, so, if you’re more of a guy-behind-the-guy type of guy, there’s opportunities for you too.
I’m in it just for the post-game showers.
Coming off their first 2-loss streak in 57 games, you’d hope that the Patriots were dedicating themselves to rediscover their swagger. Instead, with snow swirling around Boston today 4 players arrived late to an 8 AM meeting and were sent home. It’s not like Wednesday is one of the most important days of practice or anything, so I can see why they didn’t show on time. It’s also not like these are professional athletes with limited responsibilities beyond SHOWING UP TO PRACTICE!
Of the players in question, I’m not astonished that defensive end Derrick Burgess was no-show, after all, that’s exactly what he’s done on the field all season. Has he even been playing, because I feel like I have nearly the exact same stats as him for the season. Among the other players missing was Adalius Thomas, the highest paid defensive player on the team who has never lived up to the contract he signed and the expectations that came with it. He won’t be with the team next season for certain, but at least pretend like you care. Middle linebacker Gary Guyton was another of the tardy players, and from a young player like that, who was an undrafted free agent I expect more. This is a guy who has had to bust his ass to get where he is, don’t get lazy now!
And lastly, the final late player was one Randy Moss. Yes, Randy has been a model citizen in his time with the Patriots, yes the weather IS bad but there is simply no acceptable excuse for him to be late unless he has video footage of him singlehandedly pulling a school bus full of children out of a snowbank. This is the same Randy who put up little effort to prevent an interception in the end zone on Sunday, and who has been dominant for stretches and then non-existent in others. C’MON RANDY, you’re better than that.
[ESPN]
The New Orleans Saints pulled off a compelling overtime victory over the Washington Redskins on Sunday, much to the chagrin of one Saints fan. It seems that this Livingston Parish resident figured the game was lost and so, he did what any rational person would do, he posted on Facebook that if the Saints won the game any of his friends could shoot his television.
After the Saints pulled out the win, a myriad of friends poured out of the woodwork, all packing heat and ready to destroy a beautiful 60 inch flat-screen. These guys aren’t fucking around either, sporting giant pistols, shotguns, and rifles (scoped and non-scoped) multiple 30 racks and dangling cigarettes, they then set up on the guy’s lawn and let ‘er rip.
I can’t decide what is more amazing with this video: how incredibly redneck-y this whole incident is, the fact that multiple people MISS the TV, the fact that everyone gets out of their cars holding a beer or a case of beer or that all these people are on Facebook.
BTW, these are the people that are considered part of the “real America.”
I’m OK not being a part of that.
09
Dec
09
Brady and Gisele Birth Out a Son
Earlier this morning, according to People Magazine, Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady welcomed the newest little bundle of joy into their family. Prior to the birth, Gisele had told Brady she didn’t wish to know the baby’s sex, preferring to be surprised; well, it’s a BOY!
The lucky, as yet unnamed lad is the first child for the happy couple and Tom’s second son, joining 2-year-old Jack. Just 9 more and he’s got his own offensive squad!
Both mother and baby are doing well.
Congrats Tom and Gisele!
Need a babysitter?
[People]
Maybe Chad Ochocinco needs to slow up his antics on the field a bit because it seems like money is a bit tight for the gregarious Bengals receiver. We already saw how earlier this year he bounced a check to a hooker, but now the receiver, who has accumulated over $40,000 in fines this season alone, is being sued for not paying for one of his cars.
On Friday Daimler Chrysler Financial Services brought a suit against Ochocinco for not following through with his loan agreement payments for a 2008 Dodge Challenger. When he purchased the car on August 12, 2008, Ochocinco (then Johnson) put down $20,000 and received a loan for the remaining $37,975 from Daimler. The suit alleges that he has since paid a total of $3,200 on the car in 13 months.
Daimler meanwhile claims he still owes them $34,709.72 plus interest and are eager to collect.
I also hope you haven’t become too attached to the Ochocinco name because on his UStream broadcast Sunday, Chad announced that he is going to be changing his name AGAIN before next season.
“I’m not sure how Mr. Goodell is going to take it,” Ochocinco said as he held up the jersey with his intended new name “Hachi Go” which is Japanese for “85.”
A few weeks back when Ben Roethlisberger was forced out of the Steelers lineup with concussion symptoms, his top receiver, Hines Ward questioned Ben’s toughness.
“I’ve lied to a couple of doctors saying ‘I’m straight, I feel good,’ when I knew I’m really not straight. But I don’t think guys really think about the future when they’re playing currently in the NFL,” Ward told Bob Costas, “Trust me, the players, they wanna go out there because these games, you don’t get back. You’re never gonna get this Baltimore-Pittsburgh game back.”
Fast forward to this week and coach Mike Tomlin’s announcement today that Ward is “very questionable” to play this Sunday.
I thought every game mattered Hines….
[NFL and NFL Fanhouse]
For Joey Porter it’s a good thing that the Dolphins beat the Patriots yesterday because otherwise he would have looked like an even bigger douche. The first contest between these two teams featured plenty of jawing from Porter before the game, and then little from him DURING it. In fact he finished the day with no tackles, no sacks and nothing on the stat sheet, something the stadium scoreboard operators thought important enough to point out.
Where in the first game he was totally invisible, yesterday he actually contributed, sort of, finishing with 3 tackles and assisting on another one. After yesterday’s surprise win over the Patriots, Porter held court in the locker room with reporters and this time he was highly visible, if incredibly poorly dressed.
Hey Joey, guess what, you’re a well-paid professional football player, NOT a soldier. You want to be a soldier? Great, go sign up like Pat Tillman did. Otherwise, buy some normal clothes that help you not look like quite as much of an enormous douchenozzle. Also, last I checked, there’s not a whole lot of forests in the Miami area, so, what exactly are you trying to camouflage yourself from, I mean, I can still see you for the tool you are.
Jared Allen is a nearly unstoppable defensive force, we saw his power last week when he ran roughshod over whoever was put in place to block him. Allen wears number 69 because you know, being a middle schooler forever is important, was continuing to be disruptive during last night’s contest against the Cardinals and Al Michaels figured it was an opportune moment to teach the kids about mutual oral love.
I mean, he’s right, but it just seemed a weird thing to bring up in the middle of a football game. Must have been weighing on his mind or something…
Then, when EJ Henderson breaks his leg in a decently gruesome manner, Al who must not own a thesaurus can’t stop from saying break. Whether it’s an “unfortunate break” or a “rough break” or it’s time for a commercial and so NBC will take “a break,” it’s time for Al to learn some new words.
The Slanch Report 
Recent Comments