The Slanch Report

For those of you unfortunate souls unlucky enough to have either Optimum (Cablevision) cable or Dish Network you are missing out on one of the best shows on television right now. Voom HD is comprised of increasingly more and more unnecessary channels for programming starved HD owners; was the demand really that high for Rave HD? Monster HD? But I digress. Treasure HD is a part of the Voom family of networks, with such fine shows as Treasure Seekers an almost identical rip-off of Antique’s Roadshow, it is almost amazing that no one out there watches their programming. there is one worthwhile show though, the single greatest action/adventure/treasure seeking show on TV, Treasure Divers, and it is hosted by THESE GUYS!

On this show you follow Captain Gary (left) and treasure diving legend, Carl “Fizz” Fismer, he’s legendary, because they tell you so.

These two corpulent men take you on a different adventure each episode. Shot in stunning HD, some of the underwater scenes are really breathtaking, most of them are cloudy and show nothing, the rest of the episodes… Well, let’s say that in order to fill their hour-long show there are A LOT of shots and moments that don’t need to be, and really should NEVER be on television not to mention the constant reusing of shots (especially underwater.)

A typical Treasure Divers episode will begin with the two men finding out about some new place to dive or check out that might have some treasure. Now, apparently these men have found treasure in the past, their stellar website, here, claims that to be the case. On the show though, there is one small problem, THEY NEVER FUCKING FIND ANYTHING!

Since the show’s premiere in August they have found a cannon, a tiny piece of pottery and a couple fossilized bones, that’s IT! No gold, no silver, no making it rain with pieces of 8. Oh they talk about treasure, they say they’ve found lots of it, but inevitably every episode they don’t find anything.

Episodes will begin with an awkward voiceover, usually from Capt. Gary and then maybe some poorly done, really staged shots of the two men looking over a map or the like. Occasionally there will be a hard clue, or something specific they are going after, for example, in one episode a fisherman tells them about a gold plate that he saw once years ago. So, the two captains get some of their crusted out fellow Floridian diver friends to come along and they go out and dive around for it. 45 minutes of awkward television later, they return to shore, empty-handed and out of money. At least 3 different missions have ended with them out of money, having found nothing and unable to continue searching. Now THAT’S entertainment!

Some episodes feature Fizz attempting to hit on random semi-busted middle-aged scuba women that they know–it never seems to end well. The cameramen also love to do a Baywatch-style ogling of them, mainly it seems, to waste time. The key to the show are the awkward highly staged moments between the two men. In one episode they enlist a local scuba diving club to come help them search for some loot in the briny, they find…nothing. The guys then plan to have a bbq for everyone to thank them for their help. Then a storm comes up and they get to the party and everyone has left. In another episode they find nothing, come back and rest in a pool drinking Budweiser for a bit and then decide in possibly the most staged moment in the history of “reality” television, “let’s go on vacaction!” That’s some great television!

If you aren’t watching, please start because I can’t imagine anyone else besides my roommate and I are. Someday I hope to watch the show and see them actually come up with some treasure. But maybe that’s the genius of the show, it always has you keep coming back in the tiniest chance that this week is the week, this week they will actually find something. I want to stop watching but dammit, I just know they’re gonna find some galleon loaded with doubloons someday, I mean, how else did they get a television show. I like to imagine their pitch meeting and the TV execs being all excited to showcase found treasure in HD, with glittering gold and pirate corpses.

It has been since August, they still haven’t found anything…

So tune in today! And to entice you even more, check out their trailer for this current season

Looks pretty damn exciting don’t it.

Treasure Divers airs on Thursdays at 9pm on TREASURE HD, and if after all this you don’t want to watch the show than you might be dead inside.