12
Mar
08

In Search of Time-Filling HD Programming


For those of you unfortunate souls unlucky enough to have either Optimum (Cablevision) cable or Dish Network you are missing out on one of the best shows on television right now. Voom HD is comprised of increasingly more and more unnecessary channels for programming starved HD owners; was the demand really that high for Rave HD? Monster HD? But I digress. Treasure HD is a part of the Voom family of networks, with such fine shows as Treasure Seekers an almost identical rip-off of Antique’s Roadshow, it is almost amazing that no one out there watches their programming. there is one worthwhile show though, the single greatest action/adventure/treasure seeking show on TV, Treasure Divers, and it is hosted by THESE GUYS!

garyfizz

On this show you follow Captain Gary (left) and treasure diving legend, Carl “Fizz” Fismer, he’s legendary, because they tell you so.

These two corpulent men take you on a different adventure each episode. Shot in stunning HD, some of the underwater scenes are really breathtaking, most of them are cloudy and show nothing, the rest of the episodes… Well, let’s say that in order to fill their hour-long show there are A LOT of shots and moments that don’t need to be, and really should NEVER be on television not to mention the constant reusing of shots (especially underwater.)

A typical Treasure Divers episode will begin with the two men finding out about some new place to dive or check out that might have some treasure. Now, apparently these men have found treasure in the past, their stellar website, here, claims that to be the case. On the show though, there is one small problem, THEY NEVER FUCKING FIND ANYTHING!

Since the show’s premiere in August they have found a cannon, a tiny piece of pottery and a couple fossilized bones, that’s IT! No gold, no silver, no making it rain with pieces of 8. Oh they talk about treasure, they say they’ve found lots of it, but inevitably every episode they don’t find anything.

Episodes will begin with an awkward voiceover, usually from Capt. Gary and then maybe some poorly done, really staged shots of the two men looking over a map or the like. Occasionally there will be a hard clue, or something specific they are going after, for example, in one episode a fisherman tells them about a gold plate that he saw once years ago. So, the two captains get some of their crusted out fellow Floridian diver friends to come along and they go out and dive around for it. 45 minutes of awkward television later, they return to shore, empty-handed and out of money. At least 3 different missions have ended with them out of money, having found nothing and unable to continue searching. Now THAT’S entertainment!

Some episodes feature Fizz attempting to hit on random semi-busted middle-aged scuba women that they know–it never seems to end well. The cameramen also love to do a Baywatch-style ogling of them, mainly it seems, to waste time. The key to the show are the awkward highly staged moments between the two men. In one episode they enlist a local scuba diving club to come help them search for some loot in the briny, they find…nothing. The guys then plan to have a bbq for everyone to thank them for their help. Then a storm comes up and they get to the party and everyone has left. In another episode they find nothing, come back and rest in a pool drinking Budweiser for a bit and then decide in possibly the most staged moment in the history of “reality” television, “let’s go on vacaction!” That’s some great television!

If you aren’t watching, please start because I can’t imagine anyone else besides my roommate and I are. Someday I hope to watch the show and see them actually come up with some treasure. But maybe that’s the genius of the show, it always has you keep coming back in the tiniest chance that this week is the week, this week they will actually find something. I want to stop watching but dammit, I just know they’re gonna find some galleon loaded with doubloons someday, I mean, how else did they get a television show. I like to imagine their pitch meeting and the TV execs being all excited to showcase found treasure in HD, with glittering gold and pirate corpses.

It has been since August, they still haven’t found anything…

So tune in today! And to entice you even more, check out their trailer for this current season

Looks pretty damn exciting don’t it.

Treasure Divers airs on Thursdays at 9pm on TREASURE HD, and if after all this you don’t want to watch the show than you might be dead inside.


6 Responses to “In Search of Time-Filling HD Programming”


  1. 1 the roomate
    March 12, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    I love these guys!!!! Did you see on their (awful) website that you can hire the treasure divers for speaking engagements?!!!

  2. 2 slanch
    March 12, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    I most certainly did see that, I’m thinking about having them come speak at my wedding.

    Now I just need to get married…

  3. March 12, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    Ok I admit that I didn’t read all the words in that blog, BUT I do recommend my shitty network for HD viewing: http://www.MojoHD.com. We make shows for MEN. Not ass pirates.

  4. 4 slanch
    March 12, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    read the full damn entry lady

    i watch mojo when dave hill or billy merritt are on, otherwise… im just saying how can mojo compete against the mighty Kung Fu HD or Rush HD which features such awesome shows like BMX PIG and Snow PIG?

  5. March 13, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    Do you want to back this up? Look at http://www.whereishd.com it is a source that allows you to type in any US ZIP Code and find out how many HD Channel each provider in your area has, along with the percentage of HD Programming on the HD Sites.

    Check it out!

    Cheers

  6. 6 slanch
    March 13, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    uh, i dunno what i need to back up, that treasure divers is pure gold, even if they never find it?

    dammit! i should have used that in the post…

    sigh


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!
SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!

March 2008
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  

Categories


%d bloggers like this: