The Slanch Report

Over-eager uber-douche Shelley Duncan started what became sort of a brawl yesterday in a game between the Yankees and the Mephistophelian Rays when he, for no good reason, slid spikes up into second base. Duncan, who came up last year and showed all the exuberance of a kid straight after eating 37 pixie sticks and shooting up some ‘roids–not to say he does or is even rumored to do steroids, because that isn’t the case–was best known last year for being overly excited to punch his teammates in their forearms the moment they did anything noteworthy.

"Maybe later we can slam together other parts of our bodies..."

Duncan also earned notoriety last season when a 10 year old Red Sox fan asked for his autograph and he signed it “RED SOX SUCK, Shelley Duncan” so obviously there are few limits to his douchebaggery. Shelley is like that overly drunk guy at the party who keeps punching his passed out friend on the couch to wake up and mumbling about playing quarters or else his friend is a total pussy.

Anyhow, apparently he was highly vexed at the Anti-Christ Rays, who had decided to play the game properly and run over a catcher who was blocking the plate in a spring training game on Saturday. It seems that to the Yankees that was simply rude for a player to try and score a run, certainly against such a storied and historic franchise. After all, the lowly Luciferians should just be honored to be on the same grass patch right? So the Yankees the next time out throw at Evan Longoria and their pitcher gets immediately thrown out. So, point has been made, Joe “Professional Tony Danza Look-a-like” Girardi has had his unnecessary revenge, end of story.

But moon-faced Duncan can’t let it slide. He hits a ball down the third-base line and goes for extra bases. Unfortunately for him, he’s a slow-ass plodding white dude and he has ZERO chance of making it in safe. So instead, he slides spikes up, starting his slide approximately 10 feet after first base. The ump immediately threw him out of the game, and that’s when it gets fun.

Johnny Gomes, coming out of right field–literally and figuratively–viciously tackles Duncan for his stupid play. Then everyone empties the dugouts and everyone stands around excited to get onto the field for a moment. Way to go number 97! One good thing about spring training is that there are a lot more guys on the field for these moments, which can lead to more continuations of the brawl. Alas, not this time, as the umps restored order and the game eventually continued, Tampa winning 7-6.

My favorite part of all this is that it was Joe Girardi who started all these by moaning about how it wasn’t right for the Rays to have barreled over the catcher because “…it’s not the time to do it. ” He needs to

• A) needs to get over it,
• 2) stop being a candy-ass, and
• C) not make up arbitrary unwritten rules.

In the future, for all Yankees games, please consult with Joe beforehand to make sure it is OK if your team wants to attempt any dives, slides, hit the ball in any circumstance or chew seeds, failure to do so will result in a forfeiting of the game. After all, they are the YANKEES!