Archive for the 'Douches' Category



27
Aug
09

A Tale of Two Cities

pe0060434In Houston, Texas, fans at Reliant Stadium may find their thirsts not quite quenched. Where once their cups overfloweth with 24 ounces of great tasting, less filling beer, now their cups runneth dry with a mere 20 ounces. The price, obviously, remains the same.

Vice President for Communications Tony Wyllie had this to say: “If we’d served 24 ounces this year, the price would be higher. Honestly, it was more of a responsibility decision [to try and cut down heavy drinking]. It wasn’t a business decision. … We as the Texans wanted to do the most responsbile thing.”

You bet! This has NOTHING to do with the team making more money…

And to only point out how ass-backwards America is next to our European compatriots, German soccer team Bayern Munich — who are currently stuck in 14th place — will give out 7,000 liters of free beer before their game on Saturday.

Hmm. Less beer for the same price or FREE beer… hmm…hmm… You know, I’m switching allegiances. I’m now a Football fan. You win this round Germany.

[Houston Chronicle and Yahoo]

18
Aug
09

Kind of an Expensive Mistake

paddypowerPaddy Power is a British bookie with a reputation for paying out to his winning bets early. This past weekend, after only 36 holes at this past weekend’s PGA Championships, the bookie paid out nearly $2 million to those who bet on Tiger Woods to win the tournament. At the time, Tiger Woods was leading the championships by 4 strokes and was at 1:5 odds. Of course, Tiger didn’t end up taking home the trophy, being bested by Yang Yong-eun of South Korea.

“It takes a special kind of dimwit to turn what should have been our best ever golf result into our worst,” Paddy Power said in a understated statement.

The only thing that prevented Paddy Power from losing even more millions of pounds was the extreme long-odds of Yang turning in the winning round, he was a 150-1 shot before the tournament and at 16-1 before the last day of play.

Talk about premature ejaculation…Paddy’s girlfriend is probably a very unsatisfied lady.

[Daily Star]

18
Aug
09

How to Build a Championship Baseball Team

zambranoI would happily be willing to be paid $20 million a year. I would be even more overjoyed to receive such a salary for playing baseball. While I might be a dallier, for that kind of money, I’d be pretty willing to make sure I’m staying in shape and taking care of myself. Clearly, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano and I disagree.

On the DL for the last fortnight for back spasms, Zambrano told reporters yesterday that the biggest hurdle to his return is himself.

“My problem is I’ve been lazy,” Zambrano said. “There are things in life that you don’t like but you have to do. I don’t like to do abs, but I will have to start doing my abs every day and be serious about my abs.”

Then again, this is also the same player who once went on the DL with shoulder soreness from using his laptop too much…

Can you believe the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 100 years. Personally, I’m shocked.

[ESPN]

18
Aug
09

Louisana School’s New Nazi Mascot Not a Crowd-Pleaser

lp1m16d7Sometimes referred to as the “Our Harvard on the Bayou,” Nicholls State university is located deep in cajun country in Thibadoux, Louisana. It is there that the famed Nicholls State Colonels achieve athletic success; although it is not all easy going for the Colonels. Named after a confederate military man, in 2004 the school’s president announced that “The Colonel is and will remain the mascot designation for Nicholls State University and its intercollegiate athletics program.” That may be true, but he was also anxious to change the mascot’s design from the antiquated racist version that roamed the sidelines (right). Despite the student body and alumnae campaigns to retain the older version, the school’s president retired the old colonel. Additionally, a short-lived effort via student contest to change the mascot to the nutria also failed.

After 5 years, the school has finally come up with a new version. Finally, at long last the community can put behind it this long era of racist mascots. Or at least that was the idea…

It didn’t quite work out that way.

Instead, the school’s new mascot design has sparked controversy and anger from students and alumnae alike. I don’t see what the big deal is, the old southern prospector-type mascot was removed! Although, in its place was a new design that made the colonel look like a Nazi instead. I guess that’s improvement? I mean, at least they’re moving ahead a century right?

ept_sports_ncaaf_experts-598336977-1250520866

Oops!

“It looked like a Nazi soldier — a very angry Nazi soldier,” said Nicholls alumna Hollie Garrison after seeing the new iteration online. “My jaw dropped. I was speechless. I kind of thought it was a joke.”

“I was appalled,” said [2009 NSU graduate Matthew] Marant, 23. “The new image seems evil, faceless and inhuman.”

What an innovative and creative way to intimidate their opponents, clearly the Civil War wasn’t drawing a proper amount of fear from modern-day athletes. After all, when has a Nazi EVER been a bad idea?

The school has subsequently pulled the image off their website and are reportedly headed back to the drawing board. Of course, the next one will probably come out looking like Idi Amin or Pol Pot…

[Yahoo]

17
Aug
09

Rodney King Finally Going to Kick a COP’S Ass

rodneykingA mere 17 years after he was brutally — and unfairly — beaten by some Los Angeles police officers, leading to near-catastrophic riots in LA, Rodney King is ready for revenge. As part of a charity boxing tournament, he will finally get a chance to fight back against the police, taking on a Philadelphia cop.

Fresh off stints on VH1’s “Sober Living” and “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” King is primed to make this fight count, insisting it will be totally legit.

“I take this very seriously,” King stated in a press release. “Never felt better — physically and in the mind.”

“I know some people will see the irony here . . . But I would have fought anyone who was worthy.”

I think the more accurate statement is “I would have fought anyone, so long as I was getting paid.” but either way, Rodney gets to finally take a swing BACK at a cop and I for one am only sad it took 17 years.

Simon Aouad, the police officer King will be up against is no angel himself. Arrested in 2006 and charged with drug possession, delivery and paraphernalia, Aouad had attracted attention when an intruder tried to break in and Aouad chased him away with multiple gunshot. This way the crowd won’t feel bad rooting against a hometown cop, I like it, smart move by whoever organized this thing.

The fight will be on September 12, in Philadelphia and also on the card will be Scott Cummings whose sole claim to celebrity is that at different points he was the bodyguard for Michael Jackson and Donald Trump. Now THAT’s a resume!

[Calgary Herald]

14
Aug
09

Hey Stephon, Whatcha Smokin’?

Anxious to have an NBA team sign him, the Summer of Insanity tour, brought to you by Stephon Marbury just keeps cruising along. Here is Stephon in his ride going One Toke Over the Line.

It’s a shame the Jailblazers don’t exist anymore, he’d fit in perfectly. Maybe too perfectly…

14
Aug
09

Public Enemy #1 is CAPTURED!

beer_throw4500thisAt last, we can sleep peacefully now, thanks to an active campaign to track him down, the dastardly Chicago Beer-Tosser has been CAPTURED!

After Phillies center fielder Shane Victorino pressed charges for getting a beer tossed on him from a previously anonymous Cubs fan, the media blitz was ON to find the culprit.

Johnny Macchione, the fan in question, turned himself in yesterday to Chicago police where he was booked and released on bond after being charged with a count of battery and a count of illegal conduct within a sports facility. He’s now the second-most infamous Cubs fan.

“I’d like to apologize to Shane Victorino. It really was nothing against him,” he said. “The Chicago Cubs, I’m sorry I disgraced you.”

Wow, disgracing the Cubs is a hard task, and yet, Johnny feels he did. And in some ways he has, in others he merely threw a beer on someone in a cowardly manner. As Victorino was saying yesterday, “[The fan] i’s probably at home thinking, ‘I got away with it.’ I hope he gets the understanding, hey, you can’t do stuff like that. I mean, if it happened in the streets, I don’t think you’d be walking too far (without a reprisal). It’s just not something you do.”

[Chicago Breaking News]

13
Aug
09

Which is Smarter, Bronson Arroyo or a Pile of Rocks?

BA_cr_10_8Bronson Arroyo has never been the brightest bulb. Hell, even in baseball which is populated with plenty of dim bulbs, Bronson’s burns among the dullest.

For instance, last week he said that he’s probably on the 2003 list of positive tests for his many supplements, but he hasn’t changed his practices at all. MLB has told all the players that before they take ANYTHING, even over-the-counter stuff that they should check with MLB first to make sure that it is allowed. Seems reasonable, after all, something you bought at GNC is not worth getting suspended over, or having your public image marred. Unless you’re Bronson and your public image already sucks.

“I have a lot of guys in [the locker room] who think I’m out of [my] mind because I’m taking a lot of things not on the [MLB-approved] list,” Arroyo said, “I take 10 to 12 different things a day, and on the days I pitch, there’s four more things. There’s a caffeine drink I take from a company that [former Boston Red Sox teammate] Curt Schilling introduced me to in ’05. I take some Korean ginseng and a few other proteins out there that are not certified. But I haven’t failed any tests, so I figured I’m good.”

Great! And going back to 2003 when he was taking andro amongst other supplements, Bronson had these choice words to say, “Man, I didn’t think twice about it. I took androstenedione the same way I took my multivitamins. I didn’t really know if this was a genius move by Mark McGwire to cover up the real [stuff] he was taking, but it made me feel unbelievable. I felt like a monster.”

Don’t worry, he’s not done, Bronson also gave the USA Today this great quote regarding the potential health risks from the supplements and vitamins and such:

“It might be dangerous,” he said, according to the report, “but so is drinking and driving. And how many of us do it at least once a year? Pretty much everybody.”

Yeah, not everybody. Some people try and act responsibly and make good decisions. But obviously Bronson wouldn’t know ANYTHING about that. This is the man who thought cornrows would be a good look for him…

[ESPN]

13
Aug
09

No, THIS is Nasty

Mexico_Soccer_fansYesterday’s Cubs/Phillies game saw Shane Victorino go back for a fly ball in the 5th inning. He got the ball but he also caught a face-full of beer thrown from the fans above him. That’s pretty bad.

Not HALF as bad though as what the fans in Mexico were throwing at the US soccer team in yesterday’s game:

The man with the tri-colored mohawk took a swig of beer, stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited the mixture back into his cup. In the next seat another man, who was wearing a T-shirt with a cartoon drawing of the decapitated heads of Barack Obama and Landon Donovan, poured out what remained of the Corona beer he had been chugging and urinated into his cardboard drinks container.

Welcome to the Estadio Azteca, where allegedly projecting bodily fluids at another human being is acceptable in the name of soccer fanaticism.

Then, according to a neutral bystander who witnessed these disgusting acts, the pair stood on their seats, high-fived and hurled their vile concoctions in the direction of Donovan, the United States men’s national team star who was preparing to take a corner kick 15 yards away.

Now, I love the Red Sox, enough to vomit in a cup and then throw it at someone… well, maybe not…  Ah well, soccer truly is the Beautiful Game…

[Yahoo!]

12
Aug
09

I Believe the Children are Our Future

Sometimes I worry for the future of America and the world based on the time I spend around children. However, whenever things get too bad something always comes along to refresh my faith. This time, it was this 10 year old Broncos fan who wants to make August the National Jay Cutler Burn Jersey Month.

Finally, a cause I can get behind!

12
Aug
09

The Steelers Take Some Time to Play With Assault Rifles

steelerswithgunsReportedly, three years ago the Pittsburgh Steelers phoned the Pennsylvania State Police for some “gun safety instructions” which led to 14 members of the team heading to the Greensburg barracks. There, the troopers and the Steelers players took out the illegal assault weapons from the evidence room, some ammo and had a fun ol’ time.

“It’s a state police firing range used for state police to train. When we’re there, it’s downright military,” said one state police official, who requested anonymity. “But at this event, it’s chaos. Everybody’s throwing contraband assault weapons around like they’re toys; it’s like they’re having G.I. Joe tryouts. Not only is this totally unethical, but it’s totally illegal.”

The State Police insist that nothing was amiss in their actions, saying they do these kinds of events regularly and denied that the Steelers players used ANY of the seized weapons.

“This was a good-faith gesture to ensure that they [Steelers] knew how to operate firearms safely,” Lt. Myra Taylor said. “We do this with a number of other community groups – Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, citizen police groups.”

harrisongunsUnfortunately for the troopers, anonymously distributed photographs from the event show the players shooting M-16s and other handguns and rifles at targets in the barrack’s firing range. All around the players are the smiling happy faces of troopers, instructors and barracks superiors.

While Taylor insisted that the guns were “personal weapons owned by others,” there appears to be evidence tags visible on at least one assault rifle that a player is holding.

In addition to all that, the players violated basic safety rules, under the eyes of the instructors and supervisors, shooting without ear or eye protection. Later, in posed photographs the players are seen pointing their guns at their teammates’ heads, which must do wonders for team chemistry.

Among the players pictured were now-former Steelers Joey Porter and Najeh Davenport, and still current Steelers such as last year’s defensive player of the year James Harrison, Ike Taylor, Max Starks, James Farrior and Brett Keisel were also clearly seen. Other players were in attendance but due to the poor quality of some of the photos were difficult to identify.

The Steelers have not commented on the story.

[Philly.com]

12
Aug
09

I Wouldn’t Like Youk When He’s Angry

soxgal1__1250037217_5227I think we can all agree that I’m a pretty good Red Sox apologist. However, I’m disappointed in Kevin Youkilis’ unnecessary and selfish charging of the mound last night. Not only did he look like an asshole, but Youk then got TOSSED by a 20 year old who weighs at least 20 pounds less than him. Add in Youk’s wussy throw of the helmet and you have the work of a full-grown asshole. I love Youk, don’t get me wrong, but he was wrong in this instance and should have just taken his base. Maybe it’s for the best though, since Porcello looked like he was DEALING!

And yes, I’m also partially mad because I benched Mike Lowell on my fantasy team because he wasn’t in the lineup and then gets in and hits 2(!) home runs.




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