Leave my Minka ALONE!
It’s simply not fair.
Archive for the 'Douches' Category
25
Sep
08
I Still HATE Derek Jeter
23
Sep
08
Who Will Cry for Roger Clemens
Poor Roger Clemens, first he gets outed for his use of HGH and steroids in the Mitchell Report, then he further destroys his reputation by starting a defamation suit against Brian McNamee where details about Clemens’ alleged affair with a 15 year old girl come out and a host of other embarrassing and lurid details. Now, Clemens’ reputation is completely in the toilet, a man who should be honored as the best living pitcher is relegated to the outskirts because of his own illegal actions and no one wants to acknowledge him. Fast forward to Sunday’s fellating of Yankee Stadium and the honoring of the greatest Yankees at each position and no mention of the Cy Young garnering, 2 World Series winning Rocket. Alas!
According to today’s NY Post, sitting in his hurricane ravaged home, watching a battery operated TV and holding hands with his wife and mother-in-law, Clemens was “heartbroken” when he wasn’t even mentioned at all.
“Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken,” said Clemens’ mother-in-law Jan Wild. “Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him.”
Chuck Knoblauch, Andy Pettite and Jason Giambi all of whom were ALSO mentioned in the Mitchell Report were given their due at the close of the stadium but apparently Clemens was too much for the Yankees fans sensibilities. Instead he’s left holding hands with some old lady in possibly the saddest way possible. Also Joe Torre, who only took the team to 6 World Series and won 4 of them as well as making the playoffs every year he was in NYC didn’t even earn a mention either. Did he do steroids too? Do the Steinbrenners just really hate people who are anti-beating kids?
Regardless, Clemens was sad and that’s unfortunate. Well, not really. He’s a fat scumbag. But at least his mother-in-law still believes him when he says he never did steroids, so at least ONE person in America believes him.
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John Herrera is a senior executive PR man with the Oakland Raiders and he took some umbrage at Mercury News columnist Tim Kawakami’s accusation that the Raiders organization is anti-head coach Lane Kiffin. Using the example of how someone on the Raiders staff, (according to Kawakami it was Herrera himself) handed out a recent ESPN.com article that was negative about Lane Kiffin to reporters, Kawakami asked Kiffin if he felt isolated within the Raiders organization. Herrera did NOT appreciate this line of questioning. After the press conference Herrera strode up to Kawakami and started belligerently yelling at him. Among his fun yelling claims was that Yahoo Sports football reporter Mike Silver is a pot head (OH NO!) and thus can’t be believed or trusted. Even when other reporters in the room tell Herrera that their paper’s received the anti-Kiffin article Herrera refuses to accept it. Way to really nail Silver’s credibility, I mean, if he blazes than certainly he is too stupid to even know how to read an article handed to him by a member of the Raiders. Besides, NO ONE in sports smokes pot, least of all the players, and CERTAINLY NOT on a franchise of such fine moral standing as the Raiders. I do however love the way in which Herrera tries to make it an insult, “so did your smoke pot, –smoke pot, –your smoking buddy Michael Silver.” BURN!
I simply cannot understand why this organization is doing so poorly. It simply doesn’t make sense to me. I see the behind the scenes things and it looks like one well-oiled machine. Sure, every week there is a rumor that that Monday the head coach will be fired. Sure the owner hates his head coach and regrets plucking an offensive coordinator from the college ranks who had no previous head coaching experience and giving him control of an NFL franchise. Sure the owner is a bat-shit crazy old man who shouldn’t be in charge of a Dairy Queen much less a major sports franchise. Sure their team is a collection of mostly never-wills and haven’t-beens but that doesn’t mean they can’t be successful right? Right? Or at least that’s what John Herrera believes I think. Anyways, that franchise is a fucking mess.
But anyways, so uh, Michael Silver of Yahoo, wanna hang out?
Last night at the Slopicana, the Old Scratch Rays took the season series against the Sox pushing their lead to 2 games with 10 to play and likely ensuring not only their first ever playoff appearance, but to win the division. Despite their success this year, the fans still haven’t been showing up enough, making it possible for Red Sox fans to buy tickets without a problem and make their voices heard, sometimes we wish they wouldn’t… Take for example Christopher Sciesinski, a Sox fan who attended the game and decided that it was appropriate to try and vault the dugout and run onto the field. The security folk jumped into action and nabbed him before he made it onto the field and took him into custody. While getting cuffed one of the cops pulled out his taser and held it against Sciesinksi’s neck, but never discharged it.
Things to love about this picture:
- Who knew Wade Boggs was working as a security guard. Is this the appearances agreement he made with the Rays?
- The security guard terrified of himself getting tased.
- How much I want to know what the cop is whispering into Sciesinski’s ear.
- The cop so desperately excited to get a chance to use his taser.
Clearly feeling lonely and outshined, later in the game Sciesinski’s friend Robert Mansour decided that he too wanted to taste the metal bracelets and got arrested after drunkenly starting a fight with another fan. That way they had a buddy in jail. Now that’s friendship!
03
Sep
08
The Case of the Disgruntled RB
The Detroit Lions brought in the recently released Rudi Johnson for a visit with GM Matt Millen before signing him the other day. During that visit, Johnson left his bags outside the office while he and Millen met inside. When Johnson came out though, his bags were missing. Using the in-house surveillance cameras, the team went to the videotape to see what had happened to the missing valises.
It turns out that the thief was none other than Tatum Bell, the running back Johnson would be brought in to replace and who was due to get released with the addition of Johnson. Bell then did the only sensible thing, he brought the suitcases to the home of one of his fuckbuddies whom he hadn’t seen in months telling the team he thought the suitcases were hers. Which of course make perfect sense, after all, why wouldn’t Millen be meeting with Bell’s ladyfriends in his office the day after cut-down day across the NFL? And why wouldn’t she bring her suitcases to that meeting, I’m sure Millen was hiring her to become an advance scout for the team, that makes the most sense. Bell clearly didn’t know that there were any sort of monitoring equipment. Johnson got his bags back eventually and isn’t pressing any charges, so at least Bell is well-off that way. He did also get released though so, I guess he wasn’t THAT lucky.
Fox’ piece of television trash, Moment of Truth, has signed on the biggest money grubber of them all, Jose Canseco. The show, on which participants are asked the most personal and embarrassing of questions and, if they are willing to tell the true answers to a national audience it is worth cash, is likely to lose a lot of money on Canseco since the man has zero shame and doesn’t care who he takes down with him.
According to KLAC AM 570 in LA:
Canseco already has taped the episode and according to my source that was in attendance during the taping, Canseco was asked if he ever injected Mark McGwire with steroids and if he ever corked his bat among other questions that were asked during the taping. The episode of “The Moment of Truth” with Canseco is supposed to air in late September or early October.
I wonder how much Fox is going to be pushing that during the MLB playoffs. The biggest issue I have, besides that such an awful piece of television exists in the first place, is that the questions and his responses are taped before the show ever airs, all that matters is that he answers the same as he did before. I have no doubt that Jose believes most of the drivel that he speaks, whether it is true or not, and lie detectors are merely tracking whether or not you are lying, if Canseco believes it to be true than it won’t show up as a lie. I hope this doesn’t hurt Jose’s chances at an MLB comeback, because I feel like he was really really close…
Oh wait, did I say finally? I meant who gives a crap. When will people get it that college sports are inherently lame. Inherently boring, inherently crappy. Tell me, why do I want to watch a bunch of kids who are going to become insurance salesman play a game when I could watch professionals instead. What is the fun in that? Ever notice how in every sport when the college kids turn pro they all talk about the how the game speeds up, how the players are better and the competition harder? That’s because the pro players and the pro game ARE BETTER. So why bother watching Appalachian State play Akron? Who gives a flying fuck. The only excuse you ever have to watch college sports is if you went to the school that is playing the game. I’ll allow college loyalty, otherwise, you’re a tool. If you didn’t go to Michigan but you watch all their football games, please head to the nearest doctor or dentist office and sterilize yourself at the X-ray machine for the betterment of our society.
College sports are the most useless possible thing. So stop showing them on ESPN, stop talking about them in the newspapers and stop pretending like they are even good games, they aren’t! The reason they use those spread offenses and run-and-gun is because the defenses are terrible, the QBs suck and the only way anyone can do anything is to huck it up there and pray. I would rather watch EVERY SINGLE Arizona Cardinals game, or suffer through a season only watching the Dolphins play because even they are better than the best of the college teams.
God, I HATE college sports!
Tanyon Sturtze, who previously was abused by Joe Torre’s bullpen mismanaging in New York was informed by his manager Wednesday afternoon that he was being designated for assignment. As he sat by his then-former locker, packing his things and saying goodbye to teammates, Torre came back up to Sturtze a few minutes later and informed him that they were NOT releasing him at that moment. When reporters asked Torre for Sturtze’s reaction, Torre responded saying, “He’s not OK.” Gee, you think?We’ve seen Torre be completely inept at the handling of a modern bullpen, (I’m still convinced that Scott Proctor must have nailed Torre’s wife or something for the sheer amount of abuse that Torre heaps on his arm) but usually he only is unable to manage them on the field, now it turns out he is inept in the locker room as well.
Sure, Sturtze is a scrub and has only appeared in 3 games this season for the Dodgers, but he is also a 12 year veteran and no one deserves to be treated like that. Torre’s justification? “He knew [when he was called up two weeks ago] it was on a temporary basis.” In the meantime, Cory Wade, for whom Sturtze’s roster spot was to be used is still unready to come off the DL and so Sturtze, for the moment, remains a Dodger. I’d say when Sturtze eventually does get released that anything less than the complete trashing and possibly setting on fire of Torre’s office is a missed opportunity.
27
Aug
08
Look What I Found in the Mail
Stealing can be fun but in the modern age it never ceases to amaze me that people don’t get that you shouldn’t sell the things you steal right away on eBay. I mean, you don’t rob a Picasso from a museum and then two days later walk around to art galleries and offer it to them right? You gotta space these things out, wait some time, let the heat die down. Doesn’t anyone pay attention to heist movies anymore? Clearly Richard Trofatter Jr. (left), a mail-carrier in Maine has no idea as to how these things work.
That’s because he swiped a rare 1915 Christy Mathewson Cracker Jacks card that someone else had purchased on eBay. When the buyer never received the package, he contacted the seller, who had purchased $655 in insurance on the package. The seller then contacted the USPS who launched an investigation into the disappearance of the package. What they were able to find was that the exact same card had been sold on eBay, from Maine, for $1,211 and the seller was one, Richard Trofatter Jr. Smooth dude!
If you’re going to steal, be smart about it. Scams can be, and are, quite fun, but only if you’re smart about it. Continue reading ‘Look What I Found in the Mail’
The fine folk over at With Malice have a great story about former Yankee, and Rangers pitcher Hideki Irabu who hasn’t been active in baseball circles since retiring from the Hanshin Tigers in 2005; certainly his major league career was nothing worthwhile, finishing with an era of 5.15 and a grand total of 34 wins in 80 starts. Well, never fear, he’s still keeping himself busy, for example he briefly owned a Udon restaurant, although that was unfortunately shut down only a few months ago. Oh, he also lives with his mom, so he’s got that going for him.
Then, the other night in Osaka, while out to dinner with a friend, Irabu, 39, opted to pay for their meal with a credit card, which apparently in Japan is not always an accepted practice. When the manager informed Irabu that that his card was rejected, Irabu freaked out and grabbed the manager by the hair and threw him into a wall and other violence followed. Irabu was subsequently able to pay with a different card, and then was later arrested by the gendarmes; he is now out on bail. It’s good to see that he is finding active ways to occupy his time, and that the competitive edge still burns within. You know, he might be a perfect fit for the Yankees rotation now, he HAS to be better than Carl Pavano right?
52 minutes into their soccer match, Chinese athletics took a sharp nosedive from respectability when Tan Wangsong kicked Belgian soccer player Sebastien Pocognoli directly into the nuts. Apparently Pocognoli’s wang wasn’t enough of a chanteuse for the Chinese and thus this necessary step had to be taken. Wangsong’s was the first of two Chinese red cards in the game, in which they eventually lost, the second coming when the team captain elbowed someone.
These types of incidents are not unknown amongst the Chinese soccer set though, in fact, they are almost common. The Chinese take a lot of pride in soccer, despite their team only qualifying for one World Cup, (Japan/Korea) where they were held without a goal for the entire tournament. After losing to Brazil in an Olympic game, there was a mini-riot outside the stadium until police came and broke it up, so this craziness is not just left to the players on the pitch.
“Most of the men’s soccer players are poorly educated,” Xu Guoqi a professor at Kalamazoo College and author on a book regarding Chinese soccer said, “One soccer player even tried to stab somebody to death in a bar fight.”Among the other poor activities on the men’s soccer team include in March 2007, a former goalkeeper for the national team, Liu Yunfei, being arrested on drug charges. Another goalie, An Qi, was caught with a prostitute in a hotel in 2005. But then again, who amongst us HASN’T been caught with a Chinese prostitute at least once?
15
Aug
08
Manny Ramirez, Still a Prick
As soon as Manny joined the Dodgers, manager Joe Torre mentioned to him that he wanted Manny to cut his dreads to conform to Joe’s antiquated ideas of how players should look. Now, I’m not going to go into whether or not Torre should be concerning himself as the look of his players rather than their production on the field–he shouldn’t be, get over it Joe, these are adults and it isn’t 1950, people aren’t wearing derby hats in the stands, let the players look they way they want–so Manny, the consummate teammate and order follower finally listened to Torre and cut his dreads. He had them cut all of an inch at most. What an asshole! I mean, I love it, because why not tweak Joe Torre, but still, that is one of the most petulant things Manny has done, is he going to start flicking Joe’s ears on the bus next? Start kicking Joe’s seat on the team plane? This is just such a ridiculously childish thing for Manny to do, that I’m almost in shock. I get that Manny has no idea what is going on in the world, hell, he’s probably borderline autistic, but Scott Boras should know better and tell Manny that this is NOT the way to go about getting that insane contract that he wants to get.
While I don’t think he’s getting 100 million from anyone, it is possible he could get like 60 million or so from someone, but if he keeps doing little shit like this, essentially just to piss off his manager and employer than he might find his options even more limited.
The Slanch Report 
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