The Slanch Report

For the Chicago White Sox, losers of 7 of their last 10 games, anything that can get them out of their current slump is welcome. For manager Ozzie Guillen, a man for whom decorum is alien, there could only be one thing to help the team and awake their bats.

On Sunday, the bats were circled around the two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat shoved up its pooper to prop it up. Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying “Let’s Go White Sox” and the other reading “You’ve Got to Push.” Clearly Ozzie has gone to the Lou Brown school of managing, although, if you’ll recall, in Major League, they used a naked picture of their owner who was conspiring against them to bring their team together. I’m not so sure anonymous plastic dolls serve the same goal.

Of course, as soon as the news of these dolls broke, outcry immediately followed. Do not worry though, as Ozzie Guillen is very sensitive to these complaints and handled them in a very proper and mature (pronounced mah-toor) manner, saying

Everyone in the clubhouse, 100 percent of the people in the clubhouse, they are 18 years old and that’s a private thing. If the players do it in the dugout so everyone in the public could see it, or did it in the hotel lobby . . . we did it in the clubhouse. A lot of worse things happen in the clubhouse. I don’t really know why people are making it a big deal. If people got their feelings hurt because of that . . . they don’t really know much about baseball.

I couldn’t agree more. After all, I remember how Ty Cobb before every game penetrated a newsprint standup from the Sears catalogues. That’s baseball.

The White Sox have been looking around for anything to help their team, on Saturday for example they shaved the head of one of the coaches. So far no luck. If by the end of the week their slump continues the team may start shaving all their body hair. That’s baseball. Sox spokesman Scott Reifert said. “In terms of taste I think people would find it tasteless. They were just trying to get the bats going. Reifert addedthat players have “burned bats, kissed bats, slept with their bats, blessed their bats, you name it.”

Have they thought about signing this guy?

I mean, if they are really trying to get out of a slump, I can only imagine that Jobu would be a help.

A women’s sportswriters group was not amused though, claiming it made for an uncomfortable atmosphere for female reporters in the lockerroom. That very well may be, but Ozzie doesn’t truck with that, or care. “Well, whoever did it spent a lot of money…The clubhouse has been quiet the last couple days and I don’t like to see that. We have to stay at the same level of enthusiasm, no matter what happens.” What is most interesting to me, is that Ozzie’s concern was the money outlayed. He’s right, blow up dolls can be pretty pricey, especially for a high-quality one with realistic hair and synthetic skin, and really, if you’re trying to bust out of a slump, you got to go for the best.

Yesterday, Kenny Williams, the GM was admonished by Bud Selig and responded by saying, “I will assure Major League Baseball that the doll was not violated in any way, shape or form. In all seriousness, it is a little bit of a disappointment because we have proactively tried to — and just did so this spring training — organizationally, we brought in some people to discuss a better work environment, whether it’s gender issues or racial issues.” Clearly those discussions really changed some players’ mindsets.

According to rumors, Nick Swisher may have been the one behind the dolls, when asked if he regretted the move, Swisher rtetorted: “Why are you saying I did it?” Later, he added: “It was totally meant in a fun way. … It probably was wrong, but if anybody was offended by it, we sincerely apologize.” Hmm…Methinks these kinds of things would never have been a problem in Oakland…But then, that’s baseball.

The only remaining question is, who took the dolls, I mean, I can’t imagine that they were just tossed out into the trash, someone took those home, and someone is going to use them. I’d keep a close eye on the players who perform extra well in the next few days and I think we can unequivocally determine that that man is a doll fucker.

So, Gavin Floyd, who nearly pitched a no-hitter last night, you’re officially on notice.