The Slanch Report

Saturday night featured one of the boxing events of the century, although, based on media coverage no one noticed. In a 3-round match in suburban Philadelpha, Jose Canseco fought former Partridge Family member Danny Bonaduce to a draw.

Bonaduce for one, thinks the outcome was a crock. “There’s no reason I should have done this well,” said Bonaduce, his nose bloodied. “Part of me says there’s a decent man right there that didn’t want to kill the little guy. I feel weird that we tied.”

Since we know that simply can’t be the case, let’s just assume that Canseco’s body is a giant marshmallow. “For a guy my size to hit him like that and he didn’t go down, wow,” Canseco said. “If he were my size, he probably would have knocked me out of the ring.” However, the crowd of 1,500 were none too impressed by what was supposed to be the big draw with many filing out before the judges even announced their decision.

The pre-match antics probably featured more excitement than the actual match, with Bonaduce coming out with 3 championship belts, which he bought himself, and Canseco coming out with an electronic cigarette and being introduced hilairously as the “greatest pure athlete to ever play the game of baseball.”

Then unfortunately, the match had to actually start. Fortunately neither boxer was drug-tested so at least they were able to stand up reasonably straight. “It’s a trainwreck,” said fan Butch Tressel. “Everyone likes to see a ridiculous trainwreck from time to time.”

Ultimately, after the 3 1-minute rounds, because apparently both men are giant candy-asses, the bout was over, one judge scored it 2-1 for Canseco while the other two judges ruled it 1-1 each with 1 round a draw. Don’t worry though, both men are attention-whores, and both men need the money so this probably won’t be the last time we’ll see such gladiators battling one another. After the match, promoter Damon Feldman had this to say, with a smile, “We’re going to do the rematch,” he said. “L.A. Soon.”

Stick around after the jump for photos from the event and Canseco doing his best impression of the Juggernaut. Also, when did he get all those crazy tattoos? I had no idea he had a full suit, that’s crazy! Also, to whet your appetite for the rest of the photos, here is Danny Bonaduce, true athlete, warming up just prior to the match.

[NBC Sports]

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