Archive for the 'Football' Category

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
29
Sep
09

The Rams Are Shown One Possible Future

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: ,

Considering their record the last few years, when the St Louis Rams were told they were going to be at a charity function serving as the waiters, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for many of them to think is the next stage in their non-football lives. Everyone from stars like Stephen Jackson to the backup QBs and the cheerleaders participated, taking the orders at the table, running food, the linebackers even got together to sing “Happy Birthday” to a table.

I’m going to assume this was new coach Steve Spagnuolo way of motivating the players and showing them what will happen if they don’t shape up and start winning some football games.

Rams - Stephen Jackson

[Riverfront Times]

29
Sep
09

Packers Fans are Taking the Loss of Favre Well

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , , ,

favrefireWith next Monday’s game between the Packers and the Vikings, tensions are running high in Wisconsin. Former hero Brett Favre has been vilified in the eyes of many Packers fans and his treachery will never be forgiven.
To that end, a local Wisconsin sports bar, the The Milwaukee Burger Co will have a flaming barrel available during half-time. All interested fans can burn their Favre pictures, jerseys, posters and other memorabilia in said barrel. The bar intends to donate $10 to a to-be-named charity for each item burned.
Hey, if you can’t get over the loss of a man who you never personally knew by burning the things that you bought to honor him, you’ll never get over him.
[WTMJ]

29
Sep
09

This Loss Can Be Termed “Brutal”

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , ,

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a football game end in this way. I doubt anyone else ever has either, so, way to go Vermont high school athletics, you did it!  Sure everyone is going to go crazy on the kid who spiked the ball without paying attention — and rightly so — but how about some credit for the QB and receiver who hooked up to make that kick possible in the first place?

The kid who spiked the ball will never get over this, or at least he won’t if he has funny friends.

Also, if you live in an area where the high school sports are the main part of the crawl on the bottom of the screen and being given main time on the local news, it’s time to move to a more populated area.

[Barstool Sports]

28
Sep
09

We Need More Shots of Face-Painted Fans With Signs

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Television
Tags: ,

Via the funny folk over at Cracked comes this handy pie chart finally showing us exactly what we are seeing when we watch football on television. I think they drastically undercount the amount of time spent watching truck commercials, but otherwise I don’t have any quibbles. Make sure you check out and read the full article, because, you know, it’s funny!

summary_image[Cracked]

28
Sep
09

She Must Be Holding it For Someone Else

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, College and Football
Tags: , ,

Nicely done Des Moines Register, together we can all promote underage drinking! I for one am SHOCKED and HORRIFIED to find out that a college student not aged 21 was drinking any sort of alcohol. Although, now that I think about it, does Keystone Light even really count as beer, I mean, it’s like 98 % water anyways…

UnderageDrinker[Des Moines Register]

28
Sep
09

You Have to Protect What’s Important to You

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, College, Football and People Hurting Themselves
Tags: , ,

University of Minnesota’s Simoni Lawrence’s hustle doesn’t stop, he follows the play all the way to the sidelines no matter what the personal cost. If it means falling into the sticks on the sidelines, so be it; if it means telling your coach “Motherfucker hit my penis,” and then walking it off, so be it. At the least your coach will appreciate you using a clinical  term for your man-cannon rather than some colloquial slang.

28
Sep
09

The End is Near for the Lingerie Football League

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Hot Women
Tags: , ,

LFLPostponed

On October 2nd, the famed Chicago Bliss were supposed to take on the NY Majesty in a regular-season contest for the nascent Lingerie Football League, unfortunately, due to “issues with NY’s facility” the game has been postponed for 6 weeks. This bodes well for the future success of the league…Particularly since the league has otherwise been relentlessly promoting itself and in this instance tried to slip this bit of news past the press; in fact there’s really been NO coverage of this at all. Strange since the most-likely reason the game was canceled was the lack of ticket-sale, it’s almost like the LFL doesn’t want anyone to know…

Stay tuned, America won’t be the envy of the world if we can’t keep our vital struggling sports leagues alive…

26
Sep
09

Well, I’m Inspired…

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: College and Football
Tags:

Here is some fan of the West Virginia sports program desperate to revive what could be the most boring and uninspiring “cheer” for a team ever. Hey, it died for a reason, let it go!

Seriously, not only is that slow and boring, but it’s among the lamest things I’ve ever seen; no wonder they stopped doing it.

26
Sep
09

What’s the Matter Rookie, Can’t Take a Joke?

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Douches and Football
Tags: , ,

water-dumped-on-head-above-doorCleveland Browns rookie cornerback Coye Francies threw an errant punch and a bucket of ice in the locker room after practice on Friday when he was the victim of a prank. After being doused in water, a soaking wet Francis charged into the locker room flinging ice on fellow DBs Brandon McDonald and Mike Adams before trying to punch safety Abram Elam, who blocked the pugilistic attempts. Nose tackle Shaun Rogers stepped in and grabbed Francis by the back of the shirt, telling him “Calm down, man,” and then escorted him out of the room.

“Welcome to the Browns locker room!” wide receiver Braylon Edwards yelled as the rest of the team came over to check out

the hubbub.

francies1-222x300

Eventually Francies returned to the his own locker, still clearly agitated although his teammates brushed the incident aside.

“It was just guys having fun,” McDonald said, whisking the ice into a dust pan with a broom. “I was the first one he saw. He got a little aggressive, it’s no big deal. We handled it. It’s over now and we’re going to worry about the Ravens. We don’t want to have any misconceptions in the locker room.”

After some time had passed even Francies was able to calm down about the incident: “It’s all just fun and games,” he said. “We were just playing around.”

[Brattleboro Reformer]

26
Sep
09

The Bears Won’t Tolerate Your Farting Ways

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , ,

mark-anderson-1If the Chicago Bears defense gets blown out in any game this season, I think we’ll know the reason is due to lack of film study. According to d-lineman Anthony Adams in a blog entry for the Chicago Tribune, the defense has a list of self-imposed fine-worthy offenses in the film room. Falling asleep will cost you $20, jumping offside in practice is another $20, and doing it in a game is $100. Worst of all, farting in the room costs you $20 too.
“Mark Anderson (right) might be the worst farter ever. He takes these protein shakes, so he smells like little babies do. He’s the worst at getting the fines and then saying he didn’t do it…I don’t get fines for farting. I leave outside the meeting room and do my dirt.”
So, it’s safe to safe if the team seems completely lost out on the field someone was ripping some nasty ones in the film room. Uh, go Bears?
[Chicago Tribune]

22
Sep
09

Bills Defense Keep Losing at Home

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: ,

Donte WhitnerAfter last week’s loss, Bills cornerback Leodis McKelvin came home to his house vandalized by local teenagers. This week the Bills WON and when safety Donte Whitner came home he found that he had been robbed to the tune of $400,000 in jewelry.

Donte is not married, so you read that right, a DUDE has $400,000 in jewelry lying around the house. Patrice Horton, Whitner’s business spokesman told reporters that “[Donte] was upset. He was hurt. He doesn’t know who was responsible. There’s some feeling of being violated. You don’t know who was in your home. But he’s OK.”

Now, far be it from me to tell a young millionaire how to waste his money, but $400,000+ in jewelry? When you live in BUFFALO? What could you possibly need that for, I mean, where are you going out? Are they that impressed at the one Hooters/nightclub in the “city”?

During his game against the Bucs Whitner took a 76-yard interception to the house, scoring his first NFL touchdown. Obviously, his homecoming was less than stellar but he doesn’t think the incidents represent a trend.

“I think it’s two isolated incidents,” Whitner said. “I wouldn’t say it was the fans or anything like that. I’m not pointing any fingers, but the fact of the matter is something happened. I love the fans here. We’re going to win some more football games for you guys.”

[Buffalo News]

21
Sep
09

Tim Tebow Needs a New Speechwriter

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: College, Douches and Football
Tags: , , ,

Now, I’m all for plagiarizing, I mean, hey, it’s fun! However, if you’re going to plagiarise, do it from someone and something worthwhile, copying Jon Voight from Varsity Blues doesn’t cut it.

Tim Tebow, whose shit don’t stink in the eyes of Florida should learn this post-haste. This was his locker-room speech last week and while the team won, I wager it was NOT because of this parroted speech.

I particularly love the look of the players right behind Tebow who clearly could care less about what he’s saying and have a “I can’t believe he’s using a Varsity Blues speech and thinks it is going to psyche us up” look on their faces.

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »

Follow The Slanch Report

 Subscribe to RSS Feed

twitter / slanchreport

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 20 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!
SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!

April 2026
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930  

Categories