Your elementary school gym teacher, Matt Stairs!
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Archive for the 'Baseball' Category
This clip astonishes me. No, not that Alex Rodriguez in his final high school playoff game made a truly terrible throw to second, tossing the game away and losing it for his school, but that this is the first time I’ve seen it. I spend a lot of time on the Internet (you might have noticed) and this is the first time I’ve ever come across this moment. Success breeds success, failure, well, failure breeds further failure. Despite his torrid pace early in the playoffs, last night Cliff Lee just baffled A-Rod all game long. Let’s hope to see this trend continue, after all, they say people never really change.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
[Barstool Sports]
29
Oct
09
The Next Iron Ace Doppelganger!
Please make sure to VOTE in the poll below as well as visit the permanent Doppelgangers page to see the many other fabulous doppelgangers we have assembled.
Chris Carpenter was mediocre in his career in Toronto, but when he came to St. Louis he put it all together winning one Cy Young (and possibly another one this year.) While he has had some injury problems the last few years, Carpenter has been flat-out dominating when he’s been on the mound and, with Adam Wainwright, provides possibly the best 1-2 punch in baseball. Michael Symon is a professional chef who has been credited with saving the restaurant scene in downtown Cleveland, very impressive, I think opening a Quiznos might have the same affect. Symon also won the Food Network’s The Next Iron Chef contest, and has been on a number of other FN shows. Self-describing his food as “meat-centric,” Symon has contributed items to the menu at Cavaliers games, has opened 5 restaurants (4 of which are still open) and has consistently been honored by various food magazines, organizations and restaurant groups for his skill.
Loyal reader Shatraw spotted this one a while ago and has patiently awaited its arrival on the Slanch Report, honor him, and us, by VOTING in the poll below.
The greatest fans huh? Now, call me crazy, but if it is the FUCKING WORLD SERIES you DON’T LEAVE THE GAME UNTIL IT’S OVER NO MATTER WHAT THE SCORE. Or at least, that’s what Phillies fans, Red Sox fans or Cardinal fans would do. That’s because those are informed fans who actually understand baseball as opposed to fair-weather rich people who follow a team only because they were successful in the past.
It’s the goddamn World Series, it’s supposed to mean something. Way to show up Yankee fans.
[h/t NYC Barstool Sports for the photo]
Who knew that offering to be “creative” in payment (wink, wink) in a Craigslist ad could lead to a happy ending!Suzanne Finkelstein, the married self-described “desperate buxom blonde” who was willing to do anything for World Series tickets received a ton of notoriety after her story surfaced.
Finkelstein insisted that she wasn’t pimping herself out but rather that “I was hoping maybe I could get a cheaper price flirting with him. You know, batting my eyes. It’s not unheard of.”
The local Bensalem Police even thoughtfully “sent out the good-looking, blonde, kind of Marine guy,” she said, once he (according to her) brought up sex in exchange for the tickets she was arrested. The story ends well though because a local radio show and car dealership are giving her free tickets to an upcoming game. I didn’t realize that all I need to do to get free tickets to an event is first get arrested for prostitution. Looks like I WILL be making that Itzhak Perlman concert after all!
28
Oct
09
Nobody Bites My Wife But Me
In June of 2008, while visiting an art gallery in Hingham, MA, Stacey Wakefield, wife of Red Sox knuckleballer Tim was bitten by an English mastiff, Gabriella, that is the pet of the gallery’s owners. Last June ANOTHER woman was bitten by the dog.
With those two incidents in hand, the Hingham Board of Selectman unanimously voted to have that 8-year-old bitch euthanized.
In rendering their decision the Selectman called the gallery owners, Robert and Megan Ullman “irresponsible.” However, the Ullmans insist their bitch isn’t violent and intend to appeal the decision.
I wouldn’t expect much sympathy from another judge, this dog could have injured the WIFE of a PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER, that kind of negligence just can’t be allowed. Next time it could be the girlfriend of a hockey player, and I just WON’T stand for that.
[WBZ]
Loyal reader and sometime commenter RowdyRoddyPaulper is a man who enjoys an adult beverage every now and again. Regardless, he is hilarious at all times, when he sent me a drunken email about Steve Phillips late last night I just KNEW I had to post it. So, below is the full text of the email, enjoy it as much as I have.
I recently (like yesterday) read up on the whole Steve Phillips/ugly PA story. Let me address a few issues I have that you may or may not have addressed:
1) One article (possibly CNN.com (I’m a drunk-and currently drunk-so I forget things)) said that the Steve Phillips’ “issue” was a symptom of ESPN being a post-grad frathouse. Fine. When I think of ESPN, I think frathouse. But the Steve Phillips situation proves the opposite point. Frathouses like hot girls. Also, hot girls semi-unfortunately like frathouses. Brooke Hundley is a 4 (with makeup…a shitload of makeup). If ESPN were a true working-place frathouse, Brooke Hundley would have never gotten a job there unless her dad is some sort of high-ranking Disney exec. Even still though…
Brooke Hundley was probably hired by a woman who didn’t want her job threatened… which leads me to my next point…
2) WOMEN ARE HIRING PA’s AT ESPN. This is absurd. I’ve worked in TV for a while and have learned that lucky guys and hot women get jobs (entry-level on up). I’ve been unemployed for over a month now and am more than certain my average looks are to blame. I’m not mad at this. Hell, given hiring power, I’d hire the entire Brazzers roster over all those overqualified, eggheaded, coke-snorting (not the fun kind), Ivy League fruitcakes. We can safely say that although ESPN may have long ago been a glorious frathouse, they’ve been eaten alive by Title IX loving, Teva sandal wearing, women. These ladies have pulled one of the most successful coups of all time in my opinion.
3) My third point is in no way affiliated with my first two points. Hypothetical situation: you’re Steve Phillips, you’re married, and your wife isn’t satisfying your many complex man-needs. Where do you go? Instinct says you go to the hottest piece of ass that will let you bone her. Instinct is, in this case, wrong. Hot girls have entitlement issues, low self-esteem, and bodies that you would kill your best friend over. And they WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS. They’ll either tell your wife at a highly inappropriate time and/or wear an adult diaper and drive across many, many states with the intent to harm you. Fortunately for you, Steve Phillips, ugly ladies are generally much less problematic. They’re just happy for attention. They have vaginas and those vaginas are fun. Hot girls have vaginas but they come at a higher price.
Steve Phillips fucked a fat girl because she gave him the things his wife would not. And he thought these things were free. And they usually are when a fat girl is involved. But the fat girl went BAT SHIT CRAZY! This is highly unusual. One can only assume her dad actually is a high ranking Disney exec (hence the entitlement) and my whole argument is ruined. If I were actually employed, this email would’ve been a huge waste of time.
“I’m the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!” the ad on Craigslist read. Unfortunately, the ad attracted the attention of local Bensalem police in the suburbs of Philadelphia, who contacted the woman who placed the ad looking for World Series tickets.
On Monday after police responding to the ad, Susan Finkelstein, 43, replied saying that she was a buxomy die-hard Phillies fan and was offering to perform various sexual deeds for 2 tickets to a World Series game.
“She was willing to do anything, she said,” Bucks County public safety director Fred Harran told Philadelphia’s KYW Newsradio. “And she told the officers that she would engage in sexual activity with two individuals for two tickets.”
I just hope she made sure to try and get tickets for the early games, can you imagine how upset you’d be if you had a three-way with two guys off Craigslist only to see the Yankees get swept and you with tickets for game 5? I’ve been in that situation and lemme tell you, it sucks.
Meanwhile, Finkelstein has been charged with prostitution.
Seriously, how did we survive without the constant entertainment that is Craislist?
[NY Post]
While on Fox tonight the World Series will be getting underway, New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter will simultaneously be making an appearance on NBC’s The Biggest Loser. It only makes sense that Jeter appear on a show with that title, because I dislike him and it allows me to call him a big loser. Thanks DJ! BOOM! You see what I did there? See I juxtaposed Derek Jeter and being a big loser and then put them together for comparison, and Jeter turns out to be a loser! God I’m smart.
Now, Derek, if you wouldn’t mind appearing on an episode of Stupid Faced D-Bags Who Slanch Would Like to See Never Play Baseball Again on Spike I think I’ll be good.
Also, I would watch the SHIT out of “SFD-BWSWLSNPBA” it would get SUPER HIGH Nielsen ratings from my house, so, TV executives get on it!
[NBC]
After being unceremoniously canned by ESPN late Sunday night, now-former BBTN analyst Steve Phillips did the only super cliche thing left to him, enter a rehab facility. Because after all, the American public will forgive and forget ANYTHING so long as you at least make a cursory “attempt” to get help. This isn’t a PR ploy though, after all, Steve
“really needs help, and this was the best way to do it,” said his agent, Steve Lefkowitz, in describing his decision to attend a high-priced facility — in a mystery location — that specializes in sex-addiction treatment.
“It was a bid to keep his life. He’s going in for an illness,” Lefkowitz said. “The problem is, he fell off the wagon.”
I had no idea there were high-priced facilities to treat sex-addiction, I just thought you send someone off to one of the Hedonism resorts and let them sate their appetites for a week. I know sex addiction is a real issue that can be a hardship for many people, but it’s hard to look at as anything but fun. I mean, if you’re a sex addict and you get sent to a place filled with other sex addicts is a bad idea, especially when you’ve had a vasectomy and anything goes. Unless of course you have terrible taste in women. Uh-oh! Steve Phillips is in trouble…
[NY Post]
27
Oct
09
A Yankee Killer Doppelganger
It’s been far far too long since we’ve had a doppelganger up, and in honor of game 1 of the World Series tonight we have a doozy for you. Please make sure to VOTE in the poll below as well as visit the permanent Doppelgangers page to see the many other fabulous doppelgangers we have assembled.
When he was hired by the New York Yankees to be their manager, Joe Girardi took the uniform number “27” to show that he was being brought in to win championship #27 for the franchise. With calls for his head after last year’s disappointing non-playoffs finish, Girardi has somewhat redeemed himself by getting to the World Series this year. Then again, he completely mismanages his bullpen, makes decisions that seemingly make no sense and doesn’t always deal with the press in the best manner. Exactly what you want from the manager of the highest paid team in the history of baseball. Despite lacking opposable thumbs, in Jurassic Park the velociraptors prove to be the most deadly killing machines in the park. Sure, T-Rex has all the size, but look at those puny arms, the raptors meanwhile hunt in packs, communicate with one another and can jump and run like they’re in the Olympics. Basically, if it’s you or them, they’re going to win. You don’t mess with the raptors or they’ll cut you in half, here’s hoping the Phillies can likewise eviscerate the Yanks in this series.
Don’t forget to VOTE BELOW only YOU can make sure this doppelganger makes its way to the permanent page!
The soon-to-be ugly divorce battle between Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt has begun with Frank firing the first shot across his future ex’s bow when he fired Jamie as the team’s CEO. Jamie’s contention is that she owns 50% of the team, while Frank insists the team is all his.
While Frank holds the title of chairman and is the highest officer of the team, Jamie, up until the last few days was the team CEO.
“Jamie was disappointed and saddened by her termination,” Jamie McCourt’s lawyer Dennis Wasser said. “As co-owner of the Dodgers, she will address this and all other issues in the court room.”
I just hope this doesn’t affect the children, think about how this could really mess with Manny’s head…
This is going to get real ugly soon.
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