[Fan IQ]
Archive for the 'Baseball' Category
30
Oct
08
Philly Wins! Philly Burns!
30
Oct
08
The Perfect Gift for Morons
Immediately after the Phillies won the World Series up comes the commercials for crap from MLB and Sports Illustrated that Phillies fans MUST own. Sure, you might be a fan if you buy a championship t-shirt or hat, but that’s not the way to show you’re a TRUE phan; that would be by bidding on this auction on eBay for lucky rain drops. These rain drops fell only MILES away from the stadium and were collected in a metal bowl for sale, they are the “tears of the Gods & Fans Rain down upon a city so hungry for victory that the Tension is palpable.”
Currently available for the low low price of $8.99, it’s a BARGAIN and you’d be a fool not to own this piece of history. As the seller notes:
You are bidding on rain from the same storm system that brought the game to a screeching halt. It was collected no more than 5 miles away from Citizens Bank Park. It will be contained in a small vial and then sent to you via priority mail. I do not know what size vial or exactly how much you will get but it will be no less than 2 ml. I took a picture of the rain that I had collected in a pan that was sitting on my front steps. That is the only collection unit that I used so a very limited number of vials will be available & once they are gone, they are gone. Some will laugh but others will covet this tangible piece of history in the making…
With a description like that I don’t know how you could possibly pass it up. So if you’re one of the coveters you better bid soon, you don’t want to miss out this limited opportunity to own history. The seller hasn’t figured out a way to authenticate this rain water as THE Phillies World Series winning rain water, but don’t worry, it’s all real. If you don’t bid now you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
29
Oct
08
Look, It’s Where A-Rod Poops!
In case you’ve ever wondered what a $27.5 million dollar salary buys in terms of apartments in New York City, here are some photos of Alex Rodriguez’ pad. Looks classy. Except for that horse painting, that seems uber-lame and cliche. Keep in mind this house is basically the same as my spot in Brooklyn… sigh.
[Luxist]
29
Oct
08
Brett Myers Remains a Scumbag
“I know there are people out there that think I’m a jerk. There are people out there who think I’m a wife-beater. That will never change,” says Phillies pitcher Brett Myers, referring to the 2006 incident in which he was arrested and charged in Boston with assaulting his wife, Kim. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING WIFE-BEATER WHO BEAT HIS WIFE ON THE FUCKING STREET YOU ASSHOLE!
Myers told THE USA Today that had the Red Sox made the World Series he would have asked manager Charlie Manuel to rearrange the rotation so he wouldn’t have to start in Boston because the fans there were mean to him. For those of you who remember, Myers was arrested for HITTING HIS WIFE on the streets the day before he was supposed to start at Fenway and then pitched the next day. The fans in Boston were less than polite to him, rightly so, as he is a scumbag who is barely better than a child molester.
“But you know what, I really don’t care what people think about me. … If people don’t like me, they can deal with it. This is who I am.” No, clearly you DO care because you were too scared to pitch in Boston. Furthermore, if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be trying to defend yourself. You’d just ignore the question.
Myers lowers his head. He blinks away the wetness in his eyes and speaks almost in a whisper. “I just wish people took time to know me before they make judgments,” Myers says. “That’s all I ask. They think I’m this rude guy who doesn’t appreciate what I got. If only they knew.”
No, I’m sure you appreciate very much being in a position of wealth and fame that enables you to avoid serious charges against you because of your celebrity. I’m certain you appreciate that your wife dropped the charges and defended you, even though I don’t understand how she could. However, I will not, and no one EVER should feel SORRY for you.
- You don’t hit your wife,
- You DON’T HIT YOUR WIFE,
- Don’t be a scumbaggy douche.
“They say I dragged my wife by her hair,” Myers says. “Never happened. They say I kicked her and threw her around like a rag doll. Never happened. I never did anything to her. There was nothing on her face. I was actually trying to protect her and get her to her room. She didn’t want to go, and things got carried away. When you’re both heavily intoxicated, that stuff does stuff to you you’re not supposed to do.”
Who is they? The witnesses who saw you do these things to her on the streets of Kenmore Square? The rando people who had no idea you were a professional baseball player and had no agenda except trying to stop a man who is a foot taller, 120 plus pounds heavier from HITTING HIS WIFE. Yeah that seems likely. I’m so glad that USA Today took the time to try and give him a chance to speak. By which I mean they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to fluff over and let him make bullshit claims to try and right his image.
28
Oct
08
No Game Tonight!
The weather is expected to continue getting worse and worse tonight and MLB has already canceled the game for tonight, with play expected to resume on Wednesday. Wow.
Now I don’t generally like to provide free viral advertising, I’m much more likely to post something if it has someone like Marissa Miller involved. So here’s a new ad for some Remington razor something or other,who cares featuring Miller and Milwaukee Brewers slugger Ryan Braun. What matters is Marissa Miller. What matters more is that this video is about as close to soft-core porn as commercials go. It also features more sex puns and euphemistic language than I’ve ever seen. In 2 minutes plus I think they make approximately 2000 sexual references. The classiest? Marissa Miller asking Ryan Braun why he isn’t off signing some kid’s balls, with the balls part heavily emphasized. I was unaware that Braun was so into kid’s testes. Let’s hope he isn’t, he and Kevin Youkilis are the vanguard for the Jewish athlete revival and we don’t need that kind of bad publicity. We’d also like to suggest that Marlon Brando he ain’t and mayhaps Braun should do more with his bat and less with the acting.
Anyways, here’s Marissa, enjoy!
27
Oct
08
An “Oh Face” Doppelganger
In 1999 I saw a sneak preview of Office Space at the Copley Mall movie theater. There were about 10 people in the theater and my friend and I managed to sit in front of a GIGANTIC fat man who guffawed and hooted throughout the entire movie, making pithy comments like “totally!” and making it impossible to follow or enjoy the movie. I had to see it again a year later to figure out if I liked the movie or not. Of course, one of the most often imitated and repeated parts from that movie is the “oh face” moment. Joe Blanton last night showed off his pitching prowess, his power bat with his first career home run and of course, his dirty pine-tar stained hat. Both Joe Blanton and Greg Pitts (the guy who played the “oh face” guy) share quite the resemblance I (and commenter the roomate) believe. Don’t agree? Think I’m a genius? Make sure you vote in the poll below and as ever, go to see all the doppelgangers thus far assembled here.
27
Oct
08
There Just Might Be a God
According to anonymous reports in the Daily News there is a half-decent chance that this World Series might be the last work we see out of Joe Morgan on ESPN. Gloriously mustachioed Bob Raissman reports that his embedded sources tell him that Morgan and possibly also Jon Miller, will be removed from the Sunday Night Baseball broadcasts. Oh how I hope this is true. I simply cannot understand why a figure so polarizing, someone who I have NEVER seen a positive word about regarding his broadcast abilities has been allowed to continue being on national television. The game of baseball has passed by Joe Morgan. Sure, he used to be a phenomenal player, but as a broadcaster he totally blows. He never presents anything informative or interesting, he’s regularly wrong and he continually derides the modern statistics while sticking by stats that truly have no bearing on the actual ability of a player such as RBIs and wins. So here’s hoping that Raissman’s sources are correct, the sooner we can get Joe Morgan and his terrrifying cat eyes off of TV the better.
24
Oct
08
A Note About the World Series
At what point does taking Ryan Howard out of the field and putting him as the DH NOT make sense? I mean, he’s a goddamn BUTCHER out there and I have to believe that someone, ANYONE on their roster is a better first baseman than he is. Then he could spend all of his downtime hitting or watching video or praying to Jobu about how to hit a left handed slider. Right? Or am I just too damn reasonable for my own good?
24
Oct
08
The Mets Make a Perfect Hire
Good news Mets fans, fresh off two straight near-epic collapses to miss the postseason, no longer interim manager Jerry Manuel has made a hire sure to resonate with the Mets fanbase. Keeping most of his coaching staff intact from the season, Manuel did make a few changes, adding Randy Niemann as the new bullpen coach and Razor Shines will be the new third base coach. Looks like when next year’s collapse happens the team and the fans won’t have to go too far for something to cut their wrists…
[ESPN]
22
Oct
08
A Marshmellowy Doppelganger
As the Rays prepare for their first World Series win tonight, senior advisor Don Zimmer has been hanging around the team, throwing batting practice and just being a part of the scene, helping the players adjust to the momentous occasion. Having been a part of 6 World Champions already, Zim is anxious to get that 7th ring. In 1984 Dan Ackroyd and Harold Ramis changed the world forever with the movie Ghostbusters. I don’t think I’m revealing any spoilers by saying that at the end of the movie a giant Stay Puft Marshmellow Man attacks the city until the Ghostbusters are able to foil him and save the day. As ever, check out the rest of our doppelgangers here, and please vote in the poll below.
21
Oct
08
Strange Partnerships These Days
FINALLY! The sports partnership we’ve all been waiting on finally has happened. The New York Giants have joined forces with Tiffany’s to offer a range of items as the “New York Giants Super Bowl XLII Collection.” The collection includes:
- Pendant with blue accent on an 18-inch chain: plated $75, sterling silver $225 or 14k white gold $1,350.
- Round tag bracelet in sterling silver, $225.
- Round cuff links in sterling silver, $200.
- Helmet paperweight in crystal, $175.
- Football paperweight in crystal, $100.
- Beer mugs in crystal, set of two, $100.
- Sterling silver “Return to Tiffany™” round tag pendant on an 18-inch chain, $110.
- I.D. tag pendant in sterling silver with a coin edge on a 20-inch beaded chain, $275.
- Set of two crystal tumblers, $60.
Sounds like a MUST-OWN for all true Giants fans. What big blue fan wouldn’t be desperate for a crystal Giants helmet paperweight right?
(Not pictured, the Angel of Death waiting just off frame)
Of course, this isn’t the only strange sports partnership announced in the last few days. The New York Yankees and the Dallas Cowboys, with a side order of Goldman Sachs have announced a partnership to create a new stadium concessions company, Legends Hospitality Management.
The company’s focus will “be on operating catering, concessions, retail merchandising and other facility management enterprises for major sports and entertainment facilities. Legends has been granted the exclusive right to operate concessions, catering and merchandising services at the new, state-of-the-art Yankees and Cowboys stadiums on a multi-year basis. Legends intends to expand beyond these anchor teams to provide its services to professional and college sports teams and other event facilities worldwide.”
This picture below of Jerry Jones and George Steinbrenner shaking hands might be the most disturbing photo in the last decade. I’m almost positive this is a sign of impending apocalypse.
The Slanch Report 
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