The Slanch Report

“I know there are people out there that think I’m a jerk. There are people out there who think I’m a wife-beater. That will never change,” says Phillies pitcher Brett Myers, referring to the 2006 incident in which he was arrested and charged in Boston with assaulting his wife, Kim. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING WIFE-BEATER WHO BEAT HIS WIFE ON THE FUCKING STREET YOU ASSHOLE!

Myers told THE USA Today that had the Red Sox made the World Series he would have asked manager Charlie Manuel to rearrange the rotation so he wouldn’t have to start in Boston because the fans there were mean to him. For those of you who remember, Myers was arrested for HITTING HIS WIFE on the streets the day before he was supposed to start at Fenway and then pitched the next day. The fans in Boston were less than polite to him, rightly so, as he is a scumbag who is barely better than a child molester.

“But you know what, I really don’t care what people think about me. … If people don’t like me, they can deal with it. This is who I am.” No, clearly you DO care because you were too scared to pitch in Boston. Furthermore, if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be trying to defend yourself. You’d just ignore the question.

Myers lowers his head. He blinks away the wetness in his eyes and speaks almost in a whisper. “I just wish people took time to know me before they make judgments,” Myers says. “That’s all I ask. They think I’m this rude guy who doesn’t appreciate what I got. If only they knew.”

No, I’m sure you appreciate very much being in a position of wealth and fame that enables you to avoid serious charges against you because of your celebrity. I’m certain you appreciate that your wife dropped the charges and defended you, even though I don’t understand how she could. However, I will not, and no one EVER should feel SORRY for you.

1. You don’t hit your wife,
2. You DON’T HIT YOUR WIFE,
3. Don’t be a scumbaggy douche.

“They say I dragged my wife by her hair,” Myers says. “Never happened. They say I kicked her and threw her around like a rag doll. Never happened. I never did anything to her. There was nothing on her face. I was actually trying to protect her and get her to her room. She didn’t want to go, and things got carried away. When you’re both heavily intoxicated, that stuff does stuff to you you’re not supposed to do.”

Who is they? The witnesses who saw you do these things to her on the streets of Kenmore Square? The rando people who had no idea you were a professional baseball player and had no agenda except trying to stop a man who is a foot taller, 120 plus pounds heavier from HITTING HIS WIFE. Yeah that seems likely. I’m so glad that USA Today took the time to try and give him a chance to speak. By which I mean they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to fluff over and let him make bullshit claims to try and right his image.