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22
May
09

Colon Broadway Gobble

By slanch 3 Comments
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , ,

ColonBroadwayGobble copyYesterday the Minnesota Twins flat out DEMOLISHED the Chicago White Sox 20-1. The prime culprits for the White Sox were the first three pitchers they put out there, Bartolo Colon (2 IP, 8 R, 7 1 ER) , Lance Broadway  (3.1 IP, 6 R, 5 ER), and Jimmy Gobble (1 IP, 6 R, 6 ER). Yikes. That’s what we call epic failure.

Look at those names in a row, Colon Broadway Gobble. Tell me that doesn’t sound like an Off-Broadway avant garde show wherein two guys spend times inserting bananas into each other and then eating them.

21
May
09

Some MLB Network Doppelgangers

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball, Doppelgangers and Television
Tags: , , , ,

I’m on record as saying I’m LOVING the new MLB Network; sure some of the co-hosts aren’t stellar, and there’s still some kinks to work out, but I can turn on the TV and there is ALWAYS something baseball on. And it is clear that MLB Tonight is by far the best baseball show on TV right now, solely thanks to the exclusive look-ins that they provide. After watching the network a lot, here are a couple doppelgangers I’ve noticed along the way.

As ever please VOTE in the polls below so that these doppelgangers can move onto the PERMANENT DOPPELGANGER page.

Reader Mattraw sent this one along, and I couldn’t agree more. Billy Ripken is most famous for being Cal’s younger, less-talented brother and for his infamous baseball card, otherwise, his baseball career was less than memorable. Since retiring/being forced out of baseball, Billy hasn’t been seen too much until he served as hitting coach for this year’s USA entrant in the WBC tournament. Now, on MLB Network, he is generally among the worst analysts they’ve got. Once a proud and respected Jedi Knight, Annakin Skywalker bangs Natalie Portman and then becomes obsessed with not losing her, so he embraces the Dark Side, gets tragically burned by his best friend and is forced to spend the remainder of his days in a protective suit that keeps him alive. After rejecting the Dark Side at the end of his days, he asks his son to remove the mask so that Annakin may look upon Luke with his real eyes. He does, and then dies.

RipkenVader

Nicknamed “The Wild Thing,” when Mitch Williams was on the mound neither he, nor the batter ever truly knew where the ball would go. Always outlandish and outspoken, Williams has taken his brashness off the field and into the lovely MLB studios in sunny Secaucus. He’s another one of the analysts who rarely says anything useful and important. Working for Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, the Weasels were low-down thugs, willing to do anything so long as it was for the bad guys. It’s hard to find similarly good non-animated henchman.

WilliamsWeasel

21
May
09

Here’s to You Mom!

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Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , ,

Ah Mother’s Day, a time when you can rightfully celebrate Mom for all the good things she does and has done for you throughout your life. Or, if you’re this Brewers fan, you get rowdily drunk, forcing Milwaukee’s Best to come take you away in handcuffs. Of course, it being Mother’s Day, you can’t get arrested without first dropping your pants and making your own attempt to get in on the sausage race.

[Homer Derby]

21
May
09

Smoltz Ruins Thirsty Thursdays for Everyone Else

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Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , ,

smoltzJohn Smoltz will be making a rehab start today for the Greenville Drive opposing the Augusta GreenJackets, the Single A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves. Seeing that the game will be pretty close to Atlanta, and that Smoltz spent all of his career prior with the Braves, the GreenJackets are expecting a larger than normal crowd today.

Unfortunately, today is also Thursday and the GreenJackets have a regular “Thirsty Thursdays” promotion with discounted beer prices. Anticipating more families at the game today, the team has ammended the promotion, presenting a “controlled Thirsty Thursday” with the $1 beers now only being available in the party pavilion.

It’s almost not worth it to go now. I mean, it’s almost not worth the $7 ticket price to see a future Hall-of-Famer if I can’t drink $1 beer EVERYWHERE.

[WEEI]

21
May
09

The Mets Continue to Be Amazin'(ly Bad)

By slanch 4 Comments
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , ,

I get accused in certain quarters of being very anti-Mets; I’m not, I just watch more of their games than any other team besides the Red Sox and so feel like I know what’s going on pretty well.

This discussion came up in my fantasy baseball league today regarding the sheer ineptitude of the Mets management team. With Jose Reyes injury status continuing, Carlos Delgado out at least 2 months and now significant playing time going to Fernando Tatis, Daniel Murphy (once more playing out of position and proving he’d be better served playing in the field WITHOUT a glove) and now RAMON MARTINEZ playing short this does NOT look like a $150 million team.

As reader Myummers pointed out, with David Wright and Jose Reyes earning a combined $14 million, throw in Johan, Beltran and Delgado, combined earning $50.5 million and that means that the remaining players on the roster account for $86 MILLION. And for what exactly?

Oliver Perez was an awful signing at the time, everyone agreed except Omar Minaya, now, he isn’t even in the ROTATION. But don’t worry, the Mets have LOADS of prospects coming… they’ve got Fernando Martinez and … um…uh…Mike Karp? Ugh.

But don’t worry, because Minaya will only be around for 4 more years.

Meanwhile Derek Lowe has 6 wins on the season, Orlando Hudson is keying the Dodgers offense AND defense and while Manny is still suspended, he’d still have been and continue to be a marked improvement over Daniel Murphy in left. And Manny would play better defense and that’s not something I ever imagined I’d say.

Of course, the Mets didn’t sign ANY of those three players that would have actually improved the team. No, instead they are throwing out the worst $100 million+ team ever.

Bernie Madoff may have shadily taken the Wilpons’ money, but now they in turn are straight out stealing money from their fans. This team isn’t worth paying to see right now.

21
May
09

That’s a Compliment Right?

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Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , ,

Despite one of his best outings of the year, Ryan Dempster and the Cubs lost to the Cardinals last night 2-1. After the game, Milton Bradley knew he was responsible for the Cards’ success, Dave Duncan, the Cardinals pitching coach.

“It’s not like we’re going out there facing ‘Joe Blow,'” Bradley said. “Their pitching coach is one of the best pitching coaches. He can take a turd and polish it into something, it seems like.”

Of course, the “polished turd” the Cardinals threw out there last night was Chris Carpenter, a former Cy Young.

[Chicago Tribune]

20
May
09

Mario Lopez Fabulously Throws out First Pitch

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball and Celebrities
Tags: , , , ,

I’m not going to say Mario Lopez looks like he throws like a girl because that would demean AC Slater, from whom I learned much of how to approach the world. I’d say 90% of my social interactions and understandings about life are guided by or from episodes of Saved by the Bell. Besides I don’t need to SAY he throws like a girl, just look at the photographic evidence. Interesting side note, once, while playing catch in the backyard with my Dad, my sister came out and threw the ball to me, I told her she threw like a girl; she took it well, she beat me up later.

Also, peep the left wrist in the third photo in the gallery, I’m just saying…

gallery_main-mariolopez-dodgers-05192009-08

I also really enjoy the picture of him batting where the ball is clearly already passed him.

[Socialite Life]

20
May
09

A Metaphor for the Mets Season?

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Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , ,

gold-plated-toilet_48An unnamed woman at last Wednesday’s Mets/Braves game at Citi Field in the bathroom when, somehow, her gold tooth fell out and into the toilet bowl. With advertisements for USCoins.com, a company that buys gold sprinkled around the new stadium, this woman knew she was flushing cold hard cash down the toilet. So she did the only reasonable thing; try to make a diving catch only to find her arm wedged and be completely stuck. Trapped in the toilet for some time, stadium security guards eventually heard her screams and called for emergency services, but they were unable to free her. Meanwhile the toilet continued to flush over her hand again and again. Finally, a plumber was called who freed her as a crowd formed around her, watching the spectacle.

The tooth went not recovered.

According to an anonymous Queens plumber, “The truth is, this kind of thing happens all the time — usually with wedding rings or cellphones. People have probably been getting their hands stuck in toilets as long as there have been toilets.”

[NY Post]

19
May
09

What a Pig!

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , ,

1saints0520The St. Paul Saints of the Independent league have, for the last 17 seasons selected a pig as their mascot, each year opening up the naming of the porcine mascot to the vox populi. Past selections include Boarack Ohama (2008), Notorious P.I.G. – Piggy Smalls (2003) and Kevin Bacon (2001). This year’s winning entry, Slumhog Millionaire was entered first by Dave Christensen, beating out about 1,300 others, including 5 other people who submitted the same name. Because his entry was received first, Christensen won a package of prizes including a $1,000 grocery gift card.

After being chosen out of a handful of other piglets from the Minnesota Zoo, Slumhog will make his first appearance as the team’s mascot tonight against the Lincoln Saltdogs.

“We received some incredibly creative names from our fans, but this one stood out among them all,” said Derek Sharrer, the Saints executive vice president/general manager.

Among the pig’s duties as mascot include entertaining fans during home games and carrying baseballs out to the home-plate umpire between innings. Let’s hope he’s up to it because that’s a lot of delicious bacon going to waste…

[Star Tribune]

19
May
09

Your New Cubs Owners?

By slanch 3 Comments
Categories: Baseball and Celebrities
Tags: , , , ,

Cubs Dodgers BaseballAs Bud Selig’s designated buyer of the Chicago Cubs, Tom Ricketts has found some trouble raising all the money necessary (something that Mark Cuban had no issues with, but I digress. Looking for financing from banks has been a little difficult, it turns out that they don’t have money to lend, something to do with a recession or something, I dunno, they didn’t explain it too much during Nickelodeon News.

So, in order to raise the money he needs, Ricketts is selling off some stock from TD Ameritrade, the company his father built, and the source of his wealth as well as reaching out to some prominent Cubs fans. For instance, Rickets has in recent weeks met with Bill Murray, Jim Belushi and John Cusack to see if they had interest in investing as much as $25 million into the Cubs. Now, Cusack and Murray are cool, and would be a neat, albeit weird part of the ownership group.

But, I for one am horrified that Jim Belushi might have that kind of money. Is that true? That can’t be true. Excuse me, I’m done with this blog post, I need to go strangle myself with a telephone cord if Jim Belushi has anything like $25 million in disposable income.

[Chicago Tribune]

19
May
09

Home Runs Make Bernie Brewer Wet

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , ,

6a00d834515db069e200e55035d00c8834-640wiWhen the Milwaukee Brewers moved to their new digs at Miller Park, they left behind Bernie Brewer’s beer mug which he would slide down into following a home team long-ball. As a local columnist said at the time,

It is a sign of our politically correct times that in a city known for beer, playing for a team named the Brewers, in a stadium named after a major beer maker that team officials decided that a fellow sliding into a mug of beer was unacceptable behavior.

Now, in a bit of corporate synergy, the Brewers have made a deal with Kalahari Resorts where,

Following every Brewers home run, Bernie Brewer will make a splash in the new “Kalahari Splash Zone.” When he lands, that will set off an explosion of water into the air. This year, fans sitting nearby will stay relatively dry because the water cannons set up near Bernie’s hangout are designed to send up a mist.

But next year, the Brewers say they might “turn it up” a little and send more water into the air, not unlike the effect of a waterpark.

“We reserve the right to amp up the effect (next year),” Rick Schlesinger, executive vice president for business operations, said at a Miller Park press conference at home plate.

I think all the fans would rather a cannon of beer was shot into the air instead. It is Milwaukee after all, I mean, what else is there to do but drink until you forget?

[JSOnline]

18
May
09

A Giant Yankee Doppelganger

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Doppelgangers
Tags: , ,

As a member of the Marlins, AJ Burnett once threw a no-hitter while simultaneously allowing 9(!!!) walks and out dueling the immortal Wascar Serrano. Since then, he has had both great success and great disappointments in the American League East and is likely to become a huge albatross around the neck of the Yankees payroll as he becomes a newer, wilder, more expensive version of Carl Pavano. On the other hand, Matt Cain is one of the most appealing young pitchers in the game, brought up to the bigs at the tender age of 20, his win-loss record is uninspiring but he has also been one of the unluckiest pitchers in the game, receiving little to no run support the last few seasons. When opposing GMs call the Giants, Cain is the player everyone looks to grab.

Reader Mattraw sent along this doppelganger and I think it has legs, and arms, and teeth even too! Let us know what YOU think by VOTING in the poll below and if this doppelganger receives enough votes it will move on to the PERMANENT Doppelganger page here.

BurnettCain

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