Dwight Howard’s shoulders terrify me, they are so broad, so muscular, so unnatural looking, he’s like a cartoon character. It is those shoulders that generate the power and strength he needs to battle down low in the paint, scoop up a rebound and then slam the ball home so hard that he breaks the shot clock. Awesome.
Author Archive for
21
May
09
Dwight Howard is a Powerful Man
21
May
09
That’s a Compliment Right?
Despite one of his best outings of the year, Ryan Dempster and the Cubs lost to the Cardinals last night 2-1. After the game, Milton Bradley knew he was responsible for the Cards’ success, Dave Duncan, the Cardinals pitching coach.
“It’s not like we’re going out there facing ‘Joe Blow,'” Bradley said. “Their pitching coach is one of the best pitching coaches. He can take a turd and polish it into something, it seems like.”
Of course, the “polished turd” the Cardinals threw out there last night was Chris Carpenter, a former Cy Young.
I’m not going to say Mario Lopez looks like he throws like a girl because that would demean AC Slater, from whom I learned much of how to approach the world. I’d say 90% of my social interactions and understandings about life are guided by or from episodes of Saved by the Bell. Besides I don’t need to SAY he throws like a girl, just look at the photographic evidence. Interesting side note, once, while playing catch in the backyard with my Dad, my sister came out and threw the ball to me, I told her she threw like a girl; she took it well, she beat me up later.
Also, peep the left wrist in the third photo in the gallery, I’m just saying…
I also really enjoy the picture of him batting where the ball is clearly already passed him.
20
May
09
A Metaphor for the Mets Season?
An unnamed woman at last Wednesday’s Mets/Braves game at Citi Field in the bathroom when, somehow, her gold tooth fell out and into the toilet bowl. With advertisements for USCoins.com, a company that buys gold sprinkled around the new stadium, this woman knew she was flushing cold hard cash down the toilet. So she did the only reasonable thing; try to make a diving catch only to find her arm wedged and be completely stuck. Trapped in the toilet for some time, stadium security guards eventually heard her screams and called for emergency services, but they were unable to free her. Meanwhile the toilet continued to flush over her hand again and again. Finally, a plumber was called who freed her as a crowd formed around her, watching the spectacle.
The tooth went not recovered.
According to an anonymous Queens plumber, “The truth is, this kind of thing happens all the time — usually with wedding rings or cellphones. People have probably been getting their hands stuck in toilets as long as there have been toilets.”
[NY Post]
19
May
09
What a Pig!
The St. Paul Saints of the Independent league have, for the last 17 seasons selected a pig as their mascot, each year opening up the naming of the porcine mascot to the vox populi. Past selections include Boarack Ohama (2008), Notorious P.I.G. – Piggy Smalls (2003) and Kevin Bacon (2001). This year’s winning entry, Slumhog Millionaire was entered first by Dave Christensen, beating out about 1,300 others, including 5 other people who submitted the same name. Because his entry was received first, Christensen won a package of prizes including a $1,000 grocery gift card.
After being chosen out of a handful of other piglets from the Minnesota Zoo, Slumhog will make his first appearance as the team’s mascot tonight against the Lincoln Saltdogs.
“We received some incredibly creative names from our fans, but this one stood out among them all,” said Derek Sharrer, the Saints executive vice president/general manager.
Among the pig’s duties as mascot include entertaining fans during home games and carrying baseballs out to the home-plate umpire between innings. Let’s hope he’s up to it because that’s a lot of delicious bacon going to waste…
19
May
09
Your New Cubs Owners?
As Bud Selig’s designated buyer of the Chicago Cubs, Tom Ricketts has found some trouble raising all the money necessary (something that Mark Cuban had no issues with, but I digress. Looking for financing from banks has been a little difficult, it turns out that they don’t have money to lend, something to do with a recession or something, I dunno, they didn’t explain it too much during Nickelodeon News.
So, in order to raise the money he needs, Ricketts is selling off some stock from TD Ameritrade, the company his father built, and the source of his wealth as well as reaching out to some prominent Cubs fans. For instance, Rickets has in recent weeks met with Bill Murray, Jim Belushi and John Cusack to see if they had interest in investing as much as $25 million into the Cubs. Now, Cusack and Murray are cool, and would be a neat, albeit weird part of the ownership group.
But, I for one am horrified that Jim Belushi might have that kind of money. Is that true? That can’t be true. Excuse me, I’m done with this blog post, I need to go strangle myself with a telephone cord if Jim Belushi has anything like $25 million in disposable income.
19
May
09
Home Runs Make Bernie Brewer Wet
When the Milwaukee Brewers moved to their new digs at Miller Park, they left behind Bernie Brewer’s beer mug which he would slide down into following a home team long-ball. As a local columnist said at the time,
It is a sign of our politically correct times that in a city known for beer, playing for a team named the Brewers, in a stadium named after a major beer maker that team officials decided that a fellow sliding into a mug of beer was unacceptable behavior.
Now, in a bit of corporate synergy, the Brewers have made a deal with Kalahari Resorts where,
Following every Brewers home run, Bernie Brewer will make a splash in the new “Kalahari Splash Zone.” When he lands, that will set off an explosion of water into the air. This year, fans sitting nearby will stay relatively dry because the water cannons set up near Bernie’s hangout are designed to send up a mist.
But next year, the Brewers say they might “turn it up” a little and send more water into the air, not unlike the effect of a waterpark.
“We reserve the right to amp up the effect (next year),” Rick Schlesinger, executive vice president for business operations, said at a Miller Park press conference at home plate.
I think all the fans would rather a cannon of beer was shot into the air instead. It is Milwaukee after all, I mean, what else is there to do but drink until you forget?
[JSOnline]
If you’re going to pretend you used to be a former NBA player — all 5′ 9″ likes to do that — it is important to have the right information at your disposal. The key to any good lie is in the details; for instance, say you want to impress people by telling them that you’ve won, say, 3 NBA championships, well no one is going to believe you if you don’t have any proof. Well I got your proof right here!
Randy Brown, who averaged almost 4 points per game from 1995-1997 on the Chicago Bulls as they three-peated has now gone bankrupt and is forced to sell his championship rings. The rings’ gems have been appraised at $40,000 but the rings are being offered at auction for $19,000. Currently $5 million in debt, with only $1.5 million in assets, it looks like Randy Brown would greatly appreciate it if you would drastically overpay for his rings.
The rings are available at auction through www.westauction.com.
[KFBK]
Continue reading ‘Want to Tell Everyone You Played With MJ?’
19
May
09
How Lucky is This Guy?!
Working as a parachuting camera man, James Boole was on his last jump of the day — 6,000 above a mountain in a remote part of Russia — that very nearly turned into the last jump of his life. Boole’s fellow jumper, who he was filming, was supposed to signal to Boole when to pull his chute, except the signal never came. With a broad side of a giant mountain rapidly approaching, Boole at the last instant pulled his ripcord, narrowly saving his life. His chute opened practically as he hit the mountain, but it jerked him backwards enough, landing him on his back, and preventing more catastrophic injury. Even still, Boole was left with a broken back, ribs and teeth, and coughing up blood, while still stuck on the side of a snowy mountain in Russia. Amazingly, he was rescued, brought to St. Petersburg and is in excellent shape and going about his recovery. Don’t try this at home.
My question is where is Boole’s footage that he was shooting, because I want to see it. Also, I want to go skydiving.
I’m sure you have been watching Sportscenter and thought the same thing I have been, “This is nice and all, but wouldn’t we all be better served with holograms?” Well, ESPN has finally listened in to our thoughts (Disney has had that technology for YEARS) and given us what we wanted, and needed.
From Awful Announcing:
ESPN plans to expand on this technology by adding in “player cards” during studio coverage which will feature not only a 3D image of each NBAer, but also stats and bio information…Just to answer a few more of the questions I know you’re asking….yes the player will be in motion, and you can expect to only see them during a stand up presentation. Looks pretty neat, but it takes up a ton of the screen.
19
May
09
Fore!
PGA Tour card holder Briny Baird got the chance to hit a unique golf shot on Monday when he teed off from the 34th floor of the Omni San Diego Hotel, which sits alongside the Padres’ home, Petco Park. With a large bullseye and a pin placed in the right field area, Baird hit ten balls to raise money thanks to PF Changs for the San Diego Navy/ Marine Corps Relief Society. If Baird hit the center of the bull’s-eye with any of his 10 tries, Americans were to receive a free wrap (with entree order) and the society would gather $2,000. The inner ring meant $1,000 per ball, the outer ring $500 per ball.
Because he’s a pro golfer, the 34-story tee off didn’t faze Baird, who scored on 8 of 10 shots, raising $17,500, being a fine corporation, PF Changs upped it to $25,000.
Prior to taking his swings, Baird allowed someone a bit more familiar with Petco to go ahead of him, GM Kevin Towers who managed to get a couple shots close. Fortunately, it being the Padres home, there was no chance of hitting any base runners.
When asked how this makeshift hole compares to some of the harder holes on the PGA tour, Baird said, “I’d say the 17 at Sawgrass is probably easier. With a little bit of wind, this would be harder. I’ll blame not getting them all in on my caddie, and he’s a thousand miles away.”
From the post-game press conference after game 6, here is Ron Artest talking about some of the best new music out there:
Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs, that’s a hot song. You’ve got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club.
Considering that Artest has his own music “career,” he MUST know what he’s talking about; they just don’t let ANYONE record an album.
Ron, you will NOT be DJing my next party.
The Slanch Report 
Recent Comments