The Slanch Report

You may have seen news of a prank several Cubs pitchers pulled on their strength coach where they destroyed his 1995 Nissan Sentra and then later gave him a brand new SUV. After seeing the brand new car that they had purchased for him, Tim Buss, the coach in question said, “They’re great guys.” That may be, but, after seeing how happy they made him can only lead to the Cubs pitchers who pulled this prank to take it further and further. Bolstered by hs reaction, they have already planned several new pranks. Thanks to the federal government illegal wire-tapping, the Slanch Report has hacked into their emails and found out what is planned for later in the season.

• 5/08 – Kerry Wood and Jon Lieber in mid May will enter Buss’ home, throw a grenade in his kitchen and run away. Later they will purchase him a new Maytag Dishwasher.

• 7/08 – On his way to the stadium, Buss will see two masked men apparently robbing an armored car, when he goes to investigate the two men (Carlos Marmol and Mark DeRosa) will burn all of the money in the car and hand him a note which reads, “Here’s the rest of your salary for the year, Luv, Sam Zell” Later, when he arrives at the stadium clutching the ashy remains of his cash he’ll find a brand new wishing well installed outside where fans can deposit coins for him. By end of the season he has $30 more than he would have had with his salary. And some pogs!
• 8/08 – Buss comes home from a road-trip, enters home to see Felix Pie and Ryan Theriot tag-teaming his wife. Later they get him a lap dance from Mark Kotsay’s wife Jamie

• 4/09 – They even have a prank planned if the Cubs win the World Series! Buss arrives at Wrigley for the ring-ceremony, a sniper shoots the ring off his finger, removing finger. Later they give him a newer Nissan Xtera.

Thanks to UmpBump for the photo.