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22
Sep
08

The Luckiest Kid in America Last Week

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , , ,

Spencer Trapp, an 18 year old who plays football for Superior High School in Nebraska is fortunate to even be alive after a recent accident on the field. During the second quarter Trapp make a play and felt a little pain in his neck.

“When I went back and twisted I broke my 5th vertebrae and twisted it almost into my spinal cord. It felt like a strained neck but you don’t want to go out with a strained neck,” said Trapp. Thanks to the expert training staff for his football team, no one thought he was seriously injured and so Trapp later went out in the second half and made two more plays before finally coming out of the game. Later that night after seeing a doctor Trapp was informed he had broken his neck and after a CAT scan he was rushed into surgery.

“I just couldn’t believe it when the doctors told me that I had a broken neck, I played a football game with a broken neck,” Spencer said. “For the trauma team and all the trauma doctors they don’t understand how I walked in there and how I’m still alive and how I’m not paralyzed.” Neither do I! The injury, which normally causes paralysis at best and death at worst has sidelined Trapp but he remains able to walk and is expected to make a full recovery. His teammates have since shaved his number 10 into their heads to honor him as he remains unable to play and works on his recovery.

17
Sep
08

Best Gets Knocked Down a Peg

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , , ,

One of my favorite sports movies is The Program, starring James Caan and Omar Epps. The movie itself isn’t that great, but I sincerely enjoy subpar movies so, that’s that. Anyways, Caan, the hard-driving coach tells one of his linebackers that he wants him to hit people so hard that they have snot bubbles coming out of their nose. This clip, from this weekend’s Maryland/California tilt has just that kind of hit. Jahvid Best gets an ill-advised sling-pass sent his way and Maryland’s Kevin Barnes makes a perfectly timed hit. Wait, let me rephrase, he fucking LEVELS Best. It is totally awesome, mostly because that wasn’t me receiving that hit. I’m surprised because I always thought bears would be stronger than turtles…Anyways, make sure you stick around for the end of the video for a fun surprise!

16
Sep
08

This Huddling Up Business Stinks

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , , ,

The Green Bay Packers are playing awfully good football at the moment, and it looks like the concerns about Aaron Rodgers were unfounded. Is he Brett Favre yet, no, but he’s managing his games well so far and his team is 2-0 so the results speak for themselves so far. According to Greg Jennings, one of the Packers’ receivers there is very clear difference between the two QBs and it may have a lot to do with why the team is playing so efficiently thus far, “Brett’s a little more loose in there,” Jennings said. “You know, not that Aaron’s tight; he’s fine. But Brett was passing gas in the huddle.” Classy!

10
Sep
08

Fox News Keeps Up the Quality Journalism

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football

In another example of why local news is one of the larger pimples on society, here is a hard-hitting local interest story from Boston’s Fox affiliate, Fox 25. The premise of the story, is that there is ANOTHER Tom Brady in Boston, and even more amazing, he plays football, plays quarterback and also hurt his left knee! The sheer odds of finding someone in Boston named Tom Brady, one of the largest Irish enclaves in the world must be ASTRONOMICAL. I wonder how long they spent researching this story. Also, being from the area, I can guarantee that the younger Brady is NOT scoring the same type of women as big Tom. Anyways, the kid Tom Brady has a good sense of humor about himself and all, but he brings up a good point, he might be in fact a voodoo doll for the real Tom Brady. Which means, just to be sure, we should probably keep kid Brady in a glass case from now on, I personally am laying the blame for Brady’s injury solely on young Brady and he better watch his steps from now on, because real Tom is significantly more important.

10
Sep
08

Romo’s Girlfriend is Gonna Get Him Hurt

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , , , ,

It’s one thing for a player like Adam “Pacman” Jones to deride the quality of his upcoming opponents the Eagles, that’s something the Eagles can take in stride as part of the normal competitive nature of the NFL. So when Jones says he is unimpressed by 3 different Eagles receivers gaining 100 yards in their last game, saying “They played the Rams, dude,” that’s bulletin board fodder but also not inaccurate, both factually and of course in terms of the fact that the Rams are fucking terrible. However, it is quite another thing when one of the Cowboys’ girlfriends goes on national television and yells, “Go Cowboys!” and then referencing the Eagles, “That’s next week, we’re gonna kick your butts too!” That becomes much more than bulletin board material. Methinks that this Sunday when the Eagles linemen are pounding on Romo play after play that he might hear some course language referencing his ladyfriend whilst he lays prostrate upon the ground. Never fear though as I’m sure Jessica Simpson will be at the game in her ubiquitous pink jersey so at least the Cowboys have that going for them.

09
Sep
08

My New Quarterback

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , ,

I’ve been avoiding all things Brady because frankly it makes me want to throw up, but I’m trying to control myself. What was supposed to be another awesome football season is now up in the air. That too can be exciting but until they play again all I’m left with is a bitter, acrid taste in my mouth. Unlike baseball I don’t have as much interest in the larger league beyond the Patriots. I watch whatever game that’s on but I don’t have much if any of a rooting interest except how it relates to the Pats. Living in NYC, this season is going to be that much harder to bear. Sigh. Get well soon Tom. Nonetheless, here’s hoping Matt Cassel, who hasn’t started a game since high school is going to kick ass. In 2001 I remember when Bledsoe went down and it felt like the season was over, so who knows, this too could be an amazing season. I certainly hope so. Anyway, this video is from a charity event held by special teams ace Larry Izzo called Larry-oke and clearly Cassel is a wee bit tipsy in this clip. Let’s go Pats!

08
Sep
08

Everyone Always Ignores the Long Snapper

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football and Television
Tags: , , ,

During Saturday’s UTEP-Texas football game ESPN managed to capture a few worthwhile moments of television. Of course, this being college football, those moments were not during the game. For example, there is this clip of the UTEP long snapper practicing on the sidelines after having some difficulties earlier in the game. Long snappers generally exist in a faceless vacuum where no one knows who they are, why they are on the team or why most long snappers really only do that one thing on a team. Clearly the UTEP Miners were not paying enough attention to their long snapper, particularly the punter who is most dependent upon the long snapper. Sometimes when people aren’t paying attention to me I get upset too…

I’d tend to agree with the announcers, that WAS a pretty accurate snap. And really, who DOESN’T like watching videos of people getting hit in the balls?

The other moment is inconclusive to me, so I figured I’d see what you out there in the world thinks. Sports by Brooks is convinced that this guy is getting a handjob from his ladyfriend, me I just think it looks like she’s resting her hand on his junk. What do you think?

03
Sep
08

The Case of the Disgruntled RB

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , , ,

The Detroit Lions brought in the recently released Rudi Johnson for a visit with GM Matt Millen before signing him the other day. During that visit, Johnson left his bags outside the office while he and Millen met inside. When Johnson came out though, his bags were missing. Using the in-house surveillance cameras, the team went to the videotape to see what had happened to the missing valises.

It turns out that the thief was none other than Tatum Bell, the running back Johnson would be brought in to replace and who was due to get released with the addition of Johnson. Bell then did the only sensible thing, he brought the suitcases to the home of one of his fuckbuddies whom he hadn’t seen in months telling the team he thought the suitcases were hers. Which of course make perfect sense, after all, why wouldn’t Millen be meeting with Bell’s ladyfriends in his office the day after cut-down day across the NFL? And why wouldn’t she bring her suitcases to that meeting, I’m sure Millen was hiring her to become an advance scout for the team, that makes the most sense. Bell clearly didn’t know that there were any sort of monitoring equipment. Johnson got his bags back eventually and isn’t pressing any charges, so at least Bell is well-off that way. He did also get released though so, I guess he wasn’t THAT lucky.

29
Aug
08

Supermodels are Expensive, Jessica Simpson is Dirt Cheap

By slanch 3 Comments
Categories: Football and Hot Women
Tags: , , , , ,

Tom Brady and (reportedly) his lovely supermodel girlfriend, Gisele recently plopped down $11 million for a plot of land in Brentwood, California. Brady claims that he is doing this so he can have a place near his son Jack with Bridget Moynihan, whose friends say that is not the case at all. The deed for the Brentwood home was taken out under the name TGBE, which has celeb watchers thinking that the “G” stands for Gisele. In addition to the $11 million just for the land plot, Brady will be needing to build a home, he already scrapped plans for a 20,000 square foot one to be on the property, deeming it not large enough, so expect the outlay of cash to continue, probably ending up somewhere in the $20 million range when everything is added up. When you’re making a base salary of $14.626 million a year, that probably doesn’t affect you very much, but still, it does seem like a fine chunk of change.

Meanwhile, halfway across the country, Tony Romo purchased an already completed home for a mere $699,000. Since Romo is making only $6.5 million in base salary this year, it seems like he’s making out like a bandit. What it comes down to it seems, is that Romo’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, is much easier to impress, with much less, after all, she’s a down home country girl. Oh, and she’s not that bright. Whereas Gisele is from all reports intelligent and very business savvy, hence Brady needing to opt for Brentwood rather than the Dallas Fort-Worth area. I guess what it all comes down to is. which is worth it more, for me, I’d rather be Tom Brady and shell out the extra coin in order to make Gisele happy. Sure, Jessica is cheaper, but that doesn’t mean she’s lower maintenance, remember that stupid show she did with then-husband Nick Lachey? Another big advantage, Gisele’s family is in Brazil, versus Jessica’s who live in the Dallas area, and when you have a pervy dad like Joe Simpson, that makes quite a big difference. Winner? Brady.

Check out the links below for some photos of Romo’s new pad, or the link above to see the patch of dirt Brady will someday call home.

[The Landry Hat via Sports by Brooks]

jessica-simpson-picture-6

vs.

gisele_bundchen_20050731

29
Aug
08

Finally College Football is Back!

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags:

Oh wait, did I say finally? I meant who gives a crap. When will people get it that college sports are inherently lame. Inherently boring, inherently crappy. Tell me, why do I want to watch a bunch of kids who are going to become insurance salesman play a game when I could watch professionals instead. What is the fun in that? Ever notice how in every sport when the college kids turn pro they all talk about the how the game speeds up, how the players are better and the competition harder? That’s because the pro players and the pro game ARE BETTER. So why bother watching Appalachian State play Akron? Who gives a flying fuck. The only excuse you ever have to watch college sports is if you went to the school that is playing the game. I’ll allow college loyalty, otherwise, you’re a tool. If you didn’t go to Michigan but you watch all their football games, please head to the nearest doctor or dentist office and sterilize yourself at the X-ray machine for the betterment of our society.

College sports are the most useless possible thing. So stop showing them on ESPN, stop talking about them in the newspapers and stop pretending like they are even good games, they aren’t! The reason they use those spread offenses and run-and-gun is because the defenses are terrible, the QBs suck and the only way anyone can do anything is to huck it up there and pray. I would rather watch EVERY SINGLE Arizona Cardinals game, or suffer through a season only watching the Dolphins play because even they are better than the best of the college teams.

God, I HATE college sports!

15
Aug
08

Thank God He Was Caught

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football and Random
Tags: , , , ,

Herbert Alex Simpson was arrested by federal authorities after trying to blackmail NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin regarding a supposed threesome sex tape that Simpson possessed. Fortunately the authorities were able to stop Simpson before he was able to reveal such an awful tape. Of course, Coughlin denies any such tape ever existing, as do the two women reportedly in it, who were co-workers of Simpson and who also claim to never have even met Coughlin. Sounds like they both protest too much. Regardless, people can say the federal government doesn’t do much for us these days, but this act of heroism to prevent such a tape, were it to exist, from EVER coming to the light is an act of true selflessness and one that I salute. Of course, this is all on the heels of the reported Bill Belichick sex tape which would ALSO be awful for the eyes. I am pretty certain this is a historic off-season, in that it is the first time both Super Bowl head coaches have been linked to sex tapes. Based on the general corpulence and homeliness of the head coaches in the NFL, this is something for which we can all be thankful. I do hear though that the Andy Reid furry video is one for the ages…

14
Aug
08

The Trojans Have Itchy Balls

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , , ,

What in the world is going on over at USC, the Trojans are becoming more and more of questionable program. First there was the video of Pete Carroll and hundreds of shirtless teenagers and now the team is besieged by a devastating ailment, jock itch! I didn’t realize that Paris Hilton was back dating Trojans, I always figured after Leinart she would have moved on, especially since their name is a condom brand and condoms are her kryptonite…

According to the kicker, David Buehler, over 25% of the team is currently afflicted with the terrible infirmity. But what does the kicker know, I buy that he spends a lot of his time thinking about his teammates crotches, but, I don’t buy that they actually talk to him enough for him to come up with such a number.

Receiver Travon Patterson was sufficiently “under the weather” that he was forced to the sidelines during practice announced “It burns” as he left the field. Yeah, maybe she should stop boning all those dirty USC girls and just stick with the ones WITHOUT visible outbreaks… Or maybe that’s just the code I live by, I’m not a college football player after all…

The issue, which Pete Carroll refers to as “chafing” is that “We’ve had to adjust to some new equipment that we’re wearing that didn’t work out right,” he said. “It’s funny how that happened.” I bet the players are laughing their ASSES off about it right now.

Well, even if they aren’t I can.

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