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21
Sep
09

Tim Tebow Needs a New Speechwriter

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: College, Douches and Football
Tags: , , ,

Now, I’m all for plagiarizing, I mean, hey, it’s fun! However, if you’re going to plagiarise, do it from someone and something worthwhile, copying Jon Voight from Varsity Blues doesn’t cut it.

Tim Tebow, whose shit don’t stink in the eyes of Florida should learn this post-haste. This was his locker-room speech last week and while the team won, I wager it was NOT because of this parroted speech.

I particularly love the look of the players right behind Tebow who clearly could care less about what he’s saying and have a “I can’t believe he’s using a Varsity Blues speech and thinks it is going to psyche us up” look on their faces.

18
Sep
09

Well, At Least He Has Perspective

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , ,

Bengals attention-whore receiver Chad Johnson is an avid Twitterer, which makes sense, seeing as the service appeals to the lowest brain functions. Due to new rules from the NFL Commissioner’s office, players are now limited in what they are allowed to say and do on various websites.

In this clip from HBO’s Hard Knocks Chad shows that he is mature and respects the Commish’s decisions. He also says that “losing my Twitter and Ustream is just as tough as losing my johnson.”

Now, I’m unsure if he means losing his penis or losing the Johnson from his last name, but since the latter was of his own attention-whoring volition, I’m going to assume he considers his Twitter account to be the same as his penis. In which case, Goodell did a good thing in getting Chad to take his penis off the internet. Penis.

17
Sep
09

Dunta Robinson Wants to Get Paid

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , , ,

nfl_a_robinson_195Houston Texan cornerback Dunta Robinson is on the verge of poverty; making a mere guaranteed $9.957 million this season how can he reasonably be expected to survive on such a pittance?

Recognizing his hardships, Dunta took to his shoes to make a statement, writing on his cleats a message to team GM Rick Smith: “Pay me Rick.”

Smith offered a different solution, “Pay ME Dunta,” fining him for conduct detrimental to the team.

“I got here today, and it was in my locker,” Robinson said,  “I knew it was coming because Rick told me [Monday] I was going to get fined.  That’s okay.  I’ve put it behind me.  I’ve moved on.  I’m focused on the Titans.”

The fun won’t end there as the No-Fun-League offices are likely to hand down another fine for Dunta for violating the uniform guidelines.

[Pro Football Talk]

16
Sep
09

League Won’t Let Albino Kid Wear Tinted Shield Just Cuz

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , , ,

620wtmj_091609cooneyfootballGraham Bartunek played football for several years in Kansas City without a problem but when his family moved to Oconomowoc, Wisconsin the Parks and Recreation Department started giving him fits. The 12-year-old has albinism which also has made him partially blind and makes it dangerous for him to be in direct sunlight. Where his old league allowed him to wear a tinted face shield, the new one is refusing to allow it.

“I was really mad and upset because the face shield really helps me and makes it hard to play without it,” Graham said.

The officials say that the shield violates federal safety rules which require a player’s eyes to be showing. However, like in the NFL, with a doctor’s note justifying it it shouldn’t be an issue.

“I just don’t understand why they won’t allow it. It’s beyond me,” Graham’s father Paul said. “The face shields are allowed in football. The NFL allows them. We have a doctor’s note to justify the need. It’s about vision. It’s about sun exposure,” Paul said. “He’s very sensitive to the sun, and we’re looking to get some additional protection. A clear visor is a legal device. We’re just asking for a reasonable accommodation to add a tint to a legal device.”

Currently Graham has been wearing sunglasses during the games, but they fall off constantly and don’t protect his skin which is just as big an issue as his eyes. But, the young lad has had a good attitude throughout insisting that he will do whatever he has to in order to stay on the team and the field.

“The rule book clearly states that there can be reasonable exceptions made for student athletes with disabilities.” Paul said, “I asked [the officials], ‘what would be more reasonable to ask for?'”

Hey, Oconomowoc stop being dicks to a 12-year-old! The kid just wants to play the game and should be able to do so; so he wears a tinted shield, big deal, oh is it better instead that he’s in pain and danger by not wearing it? Arg, I can’t stand stupid people.

[620 WTMJ]

16
Sep
09

Posada Takes Exception, Provides “Cheap Shot”

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , , , ,

ept_sports_mlb_experts-2561698-1253087437

Toronto Blue Jay Jesse Carlson was never a pretty man, after last night he added a handsome welt to his grisly visage after upsetting Yankees catcher Jorge Posada. After coming around the bases, Posada threw an elbow into Carlson who was covering home plate in a move that home plate umpire Jim Joyce called “unsportsmanlike” and a “cheap shot.”

(video of the whole affair is HERE)

Previously the Yankees had hit Toronto’s Aaron Hill and so Carlson threw behind Posada as retaliation. Carlson didn’t hit him though and while both benches emptied in an empty gesture, there weren’t any ramifications beyond both teams being warned.

It was Posada who started the whole affair the second time by shoving of Carlson and that led to the full emptying of the benches and a full-on brawl. Of course, most of the players were just standing around on the outskirts afraid of being touched. It wouldn’t be a douchey brawl if Shelley Duncan didn’t get in the middle of it. Seriously, this dude doesn’t do anything on the field but always wants to fight SOMEONE. What the hell is his problem, take an anger management class or drink some herbal tea or something.

One player who apparently was eager to be touched was A-Rod, because, after all it wouldn’t be a big piling up of men without him throwing out a super gay-sounding quote: “It got pretty heavy and pretty thick pretty quickly.” Yowzers, you want some more dick with that quote?

[Big League Stew and ESPN]

16
Sep
09

Chicago Not Being Very Sweet to Sweetness

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: ,

They used to call him Sweetness, but now the Chicago Parks District are being quite sour towards Walter Payton. Ten years after he died, his friends and family have been trying to get a statue of Payton outside Soldier Field to no avail.

According to the Paytons, park officials claim the area around Soldier Field is solely to serve as a memorial to war veterans. The parks officials also are concerned for other Bears Hall of Famers who don’t have statues of their own outside the stadium and that their feelings might be hurt.

As a compromise, the parks department is willing to put the Payton statue in any other Chicago Park — Go for Wrigley!

The Bears are interested in having the statue but since the parks department oversees Soldier Field and the ground surrounding it, the decision is ultimately up to them. Regardless, the family is going ahead with the statue which is being constructed in Sarah Palin’s hometown of Wasilla, Alaska by sculptor Stan Watts and intend to unveil it and then donate it to the city on November 7.

[Chicago Tribune]

04
Sep
09

It’s Over When the Game is Over

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, College, Douches and Football
Tags: ,

Last night college football’s season began. Hooray. I guess. It’s not an exciting thing for me, or anyone else who likes seeing GOOD football being played. But it happened. The game between Oregon and Boise State ended with Boise State coming out on top, much to the chagrin of the Ducks.

Senior running back LeGarrette Blount of Oregon in particular had a rough game, finishing with -5 yards on 8 carries and was tackled for a safety. Not a highlight reel game. During the spring he was also suspended from the team for an academic issue.

I would expect to see him suspended again since after yesterday’s game he went for the trifecta. He sucker-punched a Boise State player, shoved and tried to fight a teammate, then he went after the fans before he was dragged off the field by an assistant coach and security people. He’s got some FIGHT!

What he probably DOESN’T have anymore is a place on the team.

03
Sep
09

The Nets Hate Themselves

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Basketball and Douches
Tags: , ,

NetsReversiblesBeing from New Jersey is bad enough, something very few residents are willing to admit. “Oh I’m from NYC” they’ll say, but last I checked Newark ain’t New York.

Then there are the New Jersey Nets, desperate to move to Brooklyn, but stuck in East Rutherford. Realizing that they are fighting a Sisyphean battle to get fan interest in their own struggling franchise, the Nets have turned to a different marketing strategy. Don’t come see US, see our OPPONENTS!

Offering a 10-game package, to see some of the actual GOOD teams in the league, including the Lakers, Celtics, Cavs and Magic you get tickets to the game, a four week subscription to the NY Post AND 5 special reversible jerseys. On one side are the Nets and on the other side is one of the aforementioned GOOD teams jerseys.

At last you can live your dream of having a Yi Jianlian and Kevin Garnett jersey!

This is simply an incredibly bad promotion. I mean, yes, the Nets WILL suck next season, they’re two marquee players both are gone and next season is going to be a nightmare, but even still, have some pride or self-respect.

And who are the douches that want to WEAR these stupid jerseys; how ashamed for even liking the Nets do you have to be to wear this?

[NBA]

03
Sep
09

Nice Joke Smart Guy

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball, Boston and Douches
Tags: , , ,

jews-fake-bomb-threat-new-jerseyBefore Wednesday’s game with the Red Sox an employee of the Rays was arrested for planting a fake bomb in what he termed a “practical joke.” Funny. I get it!

William L. Jordan, a mechanic with the team built and hid the device as a goof according to the St. Petersburg police.

“His actions were in very poor taste and do not reflect the values of the organization,” Rays vice president Rick Vaughn wrote in an e-mail.

The “bomb” was a box taped to a shelf with wires sticking out and emitting a “beeping” sound. The police were called and, realizing the severity of the situation, admitted he had put it there and apologized.

Unfortunately, the bomb squad had already been called and arrived on the scene where they confirmed it was a fake. Jordan, who has worked for the team for 3 years may not have much longer in his tenure with the team.

“This will be handled internally,” Vaughn wrote regarding whether or not Jordan would lose his job.

I gotta say, if you can plant a FAKE BOMB at your workplace and NOT get fired, that’s a hell of a leniant employer.

I guess when you have such a history of failure as the Rays do it only makes sense…

[Tampa Bay.com]

02
Sep
09

Old Men Tells Young Golfers to Get Off His Lawn, With Pummeling

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Douches and Golf
Tags: , , , ,

baseball1_smallIf there’s anything I want to hear when a 67-year-old man is hitting me in the back of the head with a golf club, it’s the soon-to-be immortal words of Charles Kascinski, “That’ll show you to undermine me!”

It will show me.

Or it would have if I were the one hit, instead that burden fell upon 16-year-old Austino Blaydon of Langhorne, Pennsylvania. Two of Blaydon’s friends were hitting golf balls in the area and hit one through Kascinski’s upstairs window, inciting him towards anger.

Being a responsible adult, Kascinski called the police to report the incident. While he waited for the police to arrive, the two teenagers returned with a third friend, Blaydon. Because he’s sane, he started yelling at the kids, took one of their golf clubs and told them that the police were on their way.

Instead of that being the end of it though, when the police arrived, Kascinski decided to take matters into his own hands. As the boys walked towards the officer on the scene, Kascinski came up behind Blaydon and slammed the golf club into the back of his skull, giving him a 3-inch cut, a fractured skull and a concussion, leading to two days spent in the hospital.

Kascinski was taken into custody, charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person and disorderly conduct and released on $30,000 bail.

Chris Blaydon was outraged. “I am one irate grandfather,” he told a Pennsylvania newspaper, Chris also happens to be the Mayor of Langhorne, so, I’m sure this will all end well for Mr. Kascinski. Continue reading ‘Old Men Tells Young Golfers to Get Off His Lawn, With Pummeling’

02
Sep
09

Stop Abusing Your Monkey

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Douches, Other Sports and Random
Tags: ,

COWBOY MONKEYOut of Japan today comes just your standard story of wrestlers being arraigned for abusing their pet monkey. Nothing to see here folks.

It seems that one former and three current professional wrestlers were arrested after police observed them abusing a pet monkey while at a gym in Kobe, Japan.

Now, the police are bringing the charges to court, saying that the 10-year-old female Japanese macaque was burnt with a lighter, sprayed with deodorant among other abusive treatments. The police were first alerted to the situation after images of the monkey being choked and having a nosebleed showed up online.

As well, the suspects are in trouble for not registering the monkey with local authorities.

It’s a shame when people can’t handle the responsibilites of proper monkey ownership.

[UPI]

31
Aug
09

Rugby Player Takes 2-Tons Off the Face

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Douches, Other Sports and Random
Tags: , , ,

emmawinchEmma Winch and her rugby team were camping out by the Aberaeron Rugby Club, near Aberystwyth, West Wales prior to their match the following day. While she and two teammates were asleep in their tent, members of the unpronounceable youth team Merthyr Tydfil were pounding back booze and decided a fun prank was in order.

So they took a 5 foot wide cast-iron roller that checks in at a robust 2-tons and rolled it down a hill. At the bottom of the hill, among others, was Winch’s tent.

“I heard it coming. There was like a lot of banging and then I heard people laughing,” Winch recalled, “I stopped the roller with my head. My face was numb so I couldn’t feel much. I have had a lucky escape.”

She was taken to a local hospital before being airlifted to another, better-equipped facility where she is expected to make a full recovery.  

After the incident, 21 members of Merthyr Tydfil were arrested by police who conducted a flashlight identity search on the campsite.

One witness said: “‘There were three of them in the tent when lads from a visiting club thought it would be fun to set the roller free. It was on the top of a slight hill and they pushed it to get it going, knowing there were people camping in its path. It was a crazy, stupid thing to do  –  the young woman could have been killed.”

[Daily Mail]

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