I’ve never understood the crowds of people who clamor for college spring football practice information, but it takes all kinds I suppose. If for instance, you were one of the 12 people who decided to tune in to the Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles’ internet broadcast you would have instead heard the studio hosts talking not so much about the game, and more about their desires of banging cheerleaders, as well as dropping an N-bomb, because in Mississippi they LOVE when white guys do that! I particularly enjoy the exchange when one guy says that he humps his bath towels around the 5:45 mark. Classy gents!
Archive for the 'Douches' Category
21
Apr
09
A Tiny Drop in a Bucket
For the first time ever at a NASCAR event, the official pace car will be a hybrid vehicle. Loaned by Toyota, the Camry hybrid was put through some strenuous tests to ensure it could reach 100 MPH as it must during the race. After circling the track twice, the rest of next month’s Coca-Cola 600 will be run by the normal gas-guzzling monsters. Way to recognize the future…
21
Apr
09
5 Minutes for Being an A-Hole
In the British Columbia Hockey League Doyle Cup Regional Championship game between the Vernon Vipers and the Grande Prairie Storm, Elias Grossman of the Storm decided he’d had enough. With his team down 6-2 and only 26 seconds left in the game, Grossman decided to send a message for the next game. Mostly that he’s an asshole. First he starts a fight with an opposing player, then he mixes it up with the ref, throwing HIM to the ground, then when the ref tries to pull Grossman off the ice, Elias spits in his face. Ta-Da!
When the New York Mets decided to cut seating capacity by 26 percent the regular fans weren’t the only ones getting kicked in the junk, the Mets also were meting out pain to 1,200 Little Leaguers. For the past 4 years, Queens Little Leagues have been involved in their own special day at Shea Stadium complete with a pre-game ceremony where the kids would get to line up around the field. I’ve been to these games, and the kids are always super psyched and it is the best thing to ever happen to them. I’d go nuts if I could have done this when I was a kid. NUTS!
Recognizing that getting these young fans now means getting them for life, the Mets have decided to CUT the promotion. Smooth.
Even the government — well, a State Senator, Frank Padavan, who represents Queens — is getting involved. “Some things transcend dollars and cents,” Padavan wrote in a letter, “Mr. Wilpon, I urge you to think of the youngsters who for years have enjoyed a day at the ballpark with their friends, teammates, coaches and parents and reconsider and do the right thing for the children. It’s a rite of passage that will leave a lifetime of memories.”
The Mets are in discussions with the Little League organizers right now, offering the kids can buy tickets, at normal cost, have no parade on the field and no other special treatment. So essentially the Mets are telling these kids to go fuck themselves. I almost want all of these Little Leaguers to become Yankee fans just because the Mets are such assholes.
“In light of the fact that the New York Mets organization enjoys generous tax breaks and subsidies from the state and the city that helped finance and build Citi Field, I believe like many others, that it is imperative that you give something back to the Queens community,” Padavan continued in his letter. “Maintaining your commitment and providing the full and adequate amount of discounted tickets to area Little Leagues is a step in the right direction.”
It’s unclear whether Padavan signed off his letter with the “You Money Grubbing Asshole,” epithet that Wilpon deserves.
In building their new stadiums, one would think that the Yankees and Mets would think forward and try to make their stadiums as energy-efficient as possible. Being sensible people, both teams instead made stadiums that require TWICE as much energy as the previous iterations. Smart move guys!
The two stadiums use as much electricity as 20,000 homes, with Citi Field clocking in at 11 megawatts, despite being smaller than Yankee stadium which draws a mere 9 megawatts. Shea Stadium only drew 5 megawatts of energy, meaning the new stadium draws nearly 120% more energy. Sure, part of the increase is because both stadiums feature more modern amenities, chief among them the giant HD scoreboards which require plenty of energy to power, but the lack of foresight from both teams regarding energy costs is staggering.
It’s not as though the move towards lowering energy costs is brand-new, or that stadiums can’t be green. The Nationals new stadium, which opened last season, was awarded a silver rating from the US Green Building Council for using 15% LESS energy than their previous home, RFK Stadium. That reduction leads to a savings of over $440,000 per year for the Nats to not spend on improving their team, isn’t that something either NYC team might want too? Of course, neither team sought even to be certified as “green,” and the new Giants stadium being built also has no intention of being so certified. Nicely done guys, seriously, the rest of the planet thanks you for your arrogance and overall douchery.
[NY Post]
01
Apr
09
Wait, This is BAD For Me?
The internet was abuzz a few weeks ago with the 4,800 calorie burger due to be offered by the West Michigan Whitecaps minor league baseball team and now a vegan advocacy group is trying to get in on the action.
The 4-pound, $20 burger features five beef patties, five slices of cheese, nearly a cup of chili and liberal doses of salsa and corn chips — all on an 8-inch bun looks, sounds and most likely is absolutely delicious, if also terrifyingly nauseating.
Susan Levin, a staff dietitian for the Washington-based Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, disagrees, and so she sent a letter to the Grand Rapids minor-league team on Tuesday asking that the 4,800-calorie burger be labeled a “dietary disaster” that increases the risk of cancer and heart disease.
Um, no shit! Do these vegans think that anyone looking at that burger would believe that it was healthy or good for you in any possible way? For chrissakes, it weighs 4 pounds! I mean, look at the thing, it screams out “HEART ATTACK,” but if you’re too retarded to know that in the first place do you really think a warning is going to make any difference. I don’t think anyone is at the food stand deciding between a hot dog or this monstrosity and then comparing calories. If you’re gonna order this behemoth, you know it walking in the gates. But of course, the vegans are too busy thinking they’re better than everyone else and so are trying to make news with this story. I’d like a warning to be attached to all vegan food from now on, “Warning: eating this does not equal eating real food and is likely to make you a sanctimonious asshole that no one wants to be around. Also, we make the fake meats look like real meat because you know you’d rather eat the deliciousness that is real food instead.”
The team has no intention of removing the item or putting a warning on.
[MSNBC]
In building their new stadiums, both the New York Mets and New York Yankees decided to LOWER attendance; only 5% for the Yankees but an astounding 26% for the Mets. You’d think that if they were going to do that, and charge the exorbitant ticket prices they that are, every seat would be phenomenal. Of course, since both franchises could care less about the average fan, that is not the case. Say you want to go to a Yankees game and all you can afford is one of these 1,048 seats in the bleachers, well, I hope you didn’t have any desire to see any of the action that happens in left field or at third base. But don’t worry, hardly anything important ever happens in those areas…
The view from section 201, in the center-field bleachers at the new Yankee Stadium. The wall is part of the Mohegan Sun Sports Bar.
Yankees officials say that they will be placing televisions along the wall so fans can follow along but why pay for tickets if you’re just going to have to watch the game on TV anyways? Even classier, it wasn’t until Newsday had a story about these obstructed view seats that the Yankees announced an “invoicing problem” had erroneously listed all of those seats as the same price of other, non-obstructed bleacher seats. The shitty seats were supposed to be only $5, not $12; of course the Yankees website still doesn’t reflect that change leading me to believe that the Yankees could care less about me, you or anyone not paying $2500 for their individual tickets.
Citi Field has sight-line problems of its own too;
Steven Gottesman, who has a 15-game ticket plan, went to see his four seats in Section 533, Row 15, near the top of the upper deck down the left-field line. To his ‘shock and horror,’ he could not see the warning track or about 20 feet of the outfield from the left-field line to center field. ‘In other words, I will only know if a home run is hit if I am listening to a radio at the game or I wait to see the sign from the umpire,’ Gottesman, 45, said in an e-mail message. ‘If Endy Chávez made his catch in this new stadium and I had been there, I would not have seen it.’
To be fair, commenters Youppi and the roomate were AT that Endy Chavez catch game, and were sitting so high up that they too were unable to see it, so Shea wasn’t immune to this problem. However, Shea was built in the 60s and Citi Field is supposed to be state-0f-the-art, not a gigantic concrete toilet…Don’t worry Mets fans, the team is on it!
Dave Howard, the Mets’ vice president for business operations admitted that the seats in Section 533 are angled in such a way that fans will be unable to see the warning track and some of the field. He said the team has no plans to lower its ticket prices or label the seats in question as having obscured views.
Sweet thanks guys! It’s nice to know you appreciate the people who are coming to watch your miserable product choke away the season once more. This is just another excellent business decision from the Mets, like giving Luis Castillo $25 million or having Livan Hernandez as the 5th starter. Assholes.
The only good news coming out of Citi Field so far is that a 12-ounce beer, formerly $7.50 at Shea will only cost $6, so getting belligerently drunk will almost be reasonable, or you could aways indulge in a $17 lobster roll instead…Other food price cuts include popcorn, down to $4.25, knishes (I can’t believe no one told me there were KNISHES at Shea!) down to $3.75, water down $.50 to $3.75 and Pepsi, a quarter less at $4.75.
[NY Times]
01
Apr
09
Joba’s Lawyer Emults His Actions
When Joba Chamberlain finally has his day in court for his DUI arrest later today, he should feel much more confident regarding the outcome thanks to the man at his side. That’s because Joba’s attorney, Randy Paragas just got arrested with his OWN DUI, so he should be well-versed in the court procedures. I can also understand why Joba chose Paragas as his attorney, since Paragas drives a 1998 red Corvette with license plates that read “NOTGLTY”, I’m no expert, but if MY attorney had those license plates I know I’d feel secure. I don’t know how you could get any other attorney who doesn’t promote “not guilty” pleas via their car. Paragas’ arrest had no bearing on Joba’s case, other than explaining the delay in Joba’s case being heard by a judge. Don’t fret though Yankees fans, both Paragas and Chamberlain got off easy.
Finally!
The New York Yankees announced that at the end of this month at Home Depots around the state, saps will be able to purchase officially licensed Yankees grass in either seed or sod form. DeLea Sod Farms, the exclusive provider of turf to the Yankees since the 1960s has seen an opportunity to try and swindle some fans and are hoping to monetize their connection.
“It’s just capitalizing on what we have and what we’ve done,” said Rick DeLea, vice president of DeLea Sod Farms, which his grandfather founded in 1928. In south Jersey about 80 acres of Yankees turf are growing, the sod farm has other clients, a high school for instance in West Long Branch, N.J., had 16 acres installed last fall, only then it was just called sod, not “Yankees Sod.”
The impetus for the idea came from a former consultant to DeLea who is now the vice president for business development, David Andres. A self-described “sell ice to Eskimos kind of guy,” after receiving permission from the Yankees and MLB, Andres aggressively pursued this path, “It’s going to be one of those ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ stories,” he said.
Buyers can get a patch slightly bigger than five square feet — 16 inches by 4 feet — for $7.50, meaning resodding your backyard might take a couple thousand bucks. But when you do it you’ll know that you have the officially licensed grass of the Yankees; complete with MLB authenticity hologram. If you don’t want the already grown sod, you could always buy Yankees Grass Seed — in a gift-friendly novelty size of three ounces or eight ounces — at Yankee Stadium; Home Depot will carry bigger bags of seed. I can just see all the little kids at the stadium now clamoring for their dads to buy them a hat and some grass seeds, they’ll be FLYING off the shelves.
Never fear though Yankees fans, in case there is some horrible grass disaster, the DeLea farms are still reserving 10 full acres of the grass just for Yankee Stadium, I guess because you never know…
27
Mar
09
I Bet He Yelled a Lot
Along with a number of other rich folk, tennis legend John McEnroe found out that they were duped by art dealer Lawrence Salander, who pulled off his own version of an $88 million art Ponzi scheme.
Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau at a press conference said, “He sold artwork not owned by him and kept the money and lured investment money in fraudulent investment opportunities.” Salander used the money to fund “an extravagant lifestyle” of lavish parties and private jets, Morgenthau added.
I can imagine that McEnroe, best known for his tantrums on the courts and fights with line judges, took the entire thing in stride, probably taking it very calmly and with a measured and calculated response. Or about 15,000 F-bombs and “motherfuckers.”
Some of the details of the alleged scheme:
Authorities have identified 26 victims of Salander’s scheme, including McEnroe, who lost $2 million after investing a half share in two paintings, Arshile Gorky’s “Pirate I and II.” The share in the paintings was sold at the same time to another collector, and McEnroe never recouped the money, authorities said…
Renaissance Art Investors, a company focused on investment in old master paintings, lost $45 million in the scheme, authorities said.
Earl Davis, the son of American abstract painter Stuart Davis, lost $6.7 million, authorities said, while Bank of America lost $2 million after Salander lied about paintings he owned to secure a loan.
Hester Diamond, the widow of late renowned New York art dealer Harold Diamond and mother of Beastie Boys’ Mike D, lost $6 million, authorities said.
I wonder if McEnroe thinks Salander needs to go to The CHAIR
[Yahoo!]
They certainly take high school basketball seriously in Indiana, as evidenced when the police drove a coach to a game following his arrest for a DUI. Elkhart Memorial High School’s coach Mark Barnhizer was taken on Saturday from jail straight to the game on the authorization of Elkart’s assistant police chief and at the request of Elkhart Community Schools.
“We felt you shouldn’t penalize 10 young adults for the mistakes of one person,” Tim Balyeat, the assistant police chief said, who added that the ride from the police was warranted due to the impact the schools and athletics have on the community.
Barnhizer, in his 25 year coaching at Elkhart, made it to the game, with 4 minutes remaining in the 4th quarter, Elkhart ultimately lost to Munster 48-39. Good thing he made it! The team really benefited from his appearance.
The night before Barnhizer was arrested after a sheriff’s deputy observed him making an unsafe lane change. While he passed a blood-alcohol test he was arrested after being administered a “drug-recognition test,” whatever that is. Barnhizer also told the police that he takes a prescription for methadone.
While methadone is not used exclusively for heroin addiction–it is sometimes used for chronic pain due to its low cost–it’s a strange drug for a high school coach to be taking.
In his defense, Barnhizer said that he was reaching over for a gallon of milk that fell over and that caused the swerving. “I haven’t had a drink in 10 years,” Barnhizer said. Also, he has reportedly suffered continuing pain from foot surgeries several years ago; hence the methadone.
Yesterday Barnhizer was officially charged with driving while intoxicated and driving while suspended. This isn’t his first driving incident though. After the jump, his rap sheet: Continue reading ‘High School Coach Drives Drunk, Gets a Lift’
17
Mar
09
A-Rod LOVES Himself Some A-Rod
Even when he gets injured and can’t play baseball Alex Rodriguez hovers over everything baseball. Here is his cover shoot for details magazine which should go a long ways to convince everyone that A-Rod isn’t a self-obsessed douchenozzle. Oh yeah, and the story was written by Jason Gay. Seriously.
No one understands you like me baby, I'll take good care of you
[Details]
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