This video of John Cleese explaining offsides isn’t hilarious, but it’s amusing and frankly, I like John Cleese a LOT and so I’m putting it up. Hey, it’s my blog.
Archive for the 'Soccer' Category
07
Nov
08
What is Offsides?
29
Oct
08
Beckham Knows What He Likes
We know that David Beckham loves himself some cheerleaders, after all, who could forget this hilarious photo of him staring at cheerleaders’ butts until his wife gets mad? Or this one of him staring at some ass with his son sitting next to him? Prior to being sent back to European soccer and his off-season transfer to AC Milan, Becks took in the Los Angeles Lakers’ opener last night, and made sure to take in the view. I love how concentrated he is on the booties, it’s like this is one the moment of happiness he is able to get in his life. Hold on tight Becks, never let go.
20
Oct
08
Another Goalie Goal
Danny Cepero is brand new to MLS, making his debut with the NY/NJ Red Bulls in goal on Saturday. And he faced quite the challenge, with the highest scoring team in the league opposing him in the Columbus Crew. For the 23 year old from Long Island, his debut will be forever burned in his memory. That’s because, en route to a 3-1 victory Cepero made MLS history. Thrust into a starting position after starting goalie Jon Conway was suspended for 10 games for using performance enhancing drugs, Cepero struck a penalty kick 81 yards to score, becoming the first MLS goalkeeper to score a goal. Awesome.
Vodpod videos no longer available.15
Oct
08
Worst Road Game Ever
A second division Peruvian soccer team was returning from their most recent match when they suffered a catastrophic accident. After highway robbers forced the bus driver out of his seat at gunpoint, the brakes stopped working and the bus rolled off a cliff. It ended up falling down a ravine nearly 600 feet! Three players were killed, along with 2 of the owners of the team. Several of the players were also seriously injured in the fall.
The game that they were returning from they lost, 10-0.
Sounds like a great day…
As a means to dispel some bad spirits and help their team win a soccer match, 16 members of the second division Midland Portland Cement team in Zimbabwe went swimming in the Zambezi river while in the resort city of Victoria Falls. Nothing too extraordinary there, a nice show of team unity if anything. Unfortunately, only 15 members of the team came out of the water. Local police commander Peter Rodzi said afterwards that “The area where the team was swimming is prohibited as the current is strong. The river is also infested with crocodiles and hippos.” The missing player has yet to be found.
The swim was recommended to the players by the team’s technical committee in order to be cleansed of bad spirits. Believing in spirits and their power is a common held religious belief in Zimbabwe and much of Africa.
[Reuters]
08
Oct
08
Bailouts Run in His Blood
Merritt Paulson is the 28 year old co-owner of the Portland Beavers, the Triple-A affiliate of the San Diego Padres and he’s working very hard to try and bring an MLS franchise to the Portland area. In order to do that, he wants to renovate the stadium where the Beavers play and build a new stadium for them elsewhere in the city. Paulson is looking for $85 million from the city for renovations while he’s willing to pony up $40 million for the soccer franchise itself. MLS has promised the city a team by 2011 if they built a soccer-specific stadium, hence the renovations, but while some people are excited others, like Jody Wiser of Tax Fairness Oregon feel differently. “My personal feeling is if Merritt Paulson wants a team he should buy some land and build the stadium. That’s his job as a business owner. It’s not the job of the grocery store clerk.”
Meanwhile, the price tag keeps climbing. In September Paulson said it would take $75 million and today it’s 85. But for Paulson, son of current Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson (who is the other co-owner of the Beavers) the government’s money is seen as just another ATM for him to use. After all, if AIG and all of his dad’s cronies on Wall Street can get some government coin, why not him!
Don’t worry though, the new Mayor-Elect Sam Adams is on the scene and ready to help provide leadership; also, 2 kegs of the fall seasonal ale. Continue reading ‘Bailouts Run in His Blood’
Cristiano Ronaldo has had his off-season foibles, first there was the reports about his newest girlfriend actually being a hooker, albeit a high-priced one, (the man has class after all) and now a Colombian soap actress is saying she rejected his advances because he came off as gay.
Elisa Sanchez (left) said she met Ronaldo over the summer while he was vacationing in LA, but when he winked at her her heart did not swoon. “He was really red, like he had been laying out in the sun too long, and kept putting oil on himself all the time,’ she recalled to The Sun. “He was wearing these tiny little swimming pants. The way he was preening himself was hilarious. I had absolutely no idea who he was — and we were all convinced he was gay. He winked at me and tried to chat me up but I don’t speak English well. So I just said “Sorry” and walked away.”
What a burn for Ronaldo, that’s just really gotta eat at his ass. I simply can’t understand why everyone thinks he’s gay, I mean, I see a picture like this and it just screams “I love chicks.”
Last week we saw Celtic coach Gordon Strachan and his witty responses to silly reporters questions this week, Arsenal soccer coach Joe Kinnear, at his INTRODUCTORY press conference started off on a hilarious note. Bill Belichick take note, THIS is how you start off a press conference. If English soccer continues to be so entertaining I might have to actually start paying attention!
Joe Kinnear: Which one is Simon Bird [from The Daily Mirror]?
SB: Me.
JK: You’re a cunt.
SB: Thank you.
JK: Which one is Hickman (Niall, from The Daily Express)? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you’re saying I turned up and they fucked off.
SB: No Joe, have you read it, it doesn’t actually say that. Have you read it?
JK: I’ve fucking read it, I’ve read it.
SB: It doesn’t say that. Have you read it?
JK: You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.
SB: Have you read it, it doesn’t say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.
JK: Fuck off. Fuck off. It’s your last fucking chance.
SB: You read the copy? It doesn’t say that you didn’t know.
JK: What about the headline, you think that’s a good headline?
SB: I didn’t write the headline, you read the copy.
JK: You are negative bastards, the pair of you.
SB: So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn’t. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?
JK: It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain’t got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?
(After the jump the rest of the full transcript of the press conference.) Continue reading ‘English Soccer Coaches Are Hilarious’
02
Oct
08
I’m A HERO! Oops, I Blew It…
Here’s some video from a German soccer match where the goalie takes and then scores on a penalty kick. Clearly pretty happy with himself he takes his time making his way back to his own goal, celebrating with his teammates. Alas, the other team wasn’t content with dawdling and took their revenge on him. Check it out!
Sports reporters often ask stupid question to coaches, fortunately Celtic manager Gordon Strachan has a bit of wit about him and is able to make some fun out of their asinine questions. Check out some of these one-liners that The Sun assembled for us:
Reporter: “Gordon, can we have a quick word please?”
Strachan: “Velocity.”
Reporter: “Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?”
Strachan: “No, I’m going to crumble like a wreck. I’ll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.”
Reporter: “There’s no negative vibes or negative feelings here?”
Strachan: “Apart from yourself, we’re all quite positive round here. I’m going to whack you over the head with a big stick — down, negative man, down.”
Reporter: “Gordon, do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?”
Strachan: “I don’t care, I’m Scottish.”
Reporter: “Gordon, if you were English?”
Strachan: “I’d top myself.”
Strachan after a defeat: “I tried to get the disappointment out of my system by going for a walk.
“I ended up 17 miles from home and I had to phone my wife Lesley to come and pick me up.”
Reporter: “Welcome to Southampton. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?”
Strachan: “No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, ‘No, I think they should have got George Graham because I’m useless.’ ”
Strachan on Wayne Rooney: “It’s an incredible rise to stardom.
“At 17 you’re more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson.”
Reporter: “You must be delighted with the result?”
Strachan: “You’re spot on! You can read me like a book.”
Reporter: “So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?”
Strachan: “What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.”
Being one of the best soccer players in the world, Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United is able to attract a multitude of extremely attractive women like Nereida Gallardo to his bedside. So, it is interesting to read this report from the News of the World where they uncover that his latest ladyfriend, a Brazilian woman named Fernanda turns out to also be a $3,600 call girl in London. I highly recommend reading the full article as it is full of hilarious moments, and also some NSFW images, so be warned.
After receiving a tip from a high-class madame, the News booked an appointment with the busty Brazilian beauty. During the two meetings that the paper booked she:
- OFFERED full sex for £460.
- STRIPPED naked and teasingly gyrated in front of our man.
- SOLD us two grammes of A-Class drug COCAINE.
- PROMISED a three-in-a-bed romp with a Czech hooker.
- PERFORMED a raunchy lesbian show with her. Continue reading ‘Cristiano Ronaldo and the Hooker With a Golden Heart’
The Slanch Report 
Recent Comments