Archive for the 'Soccer' Category


Placenta-Using Doc Now Wanted By Authorities

When we last heard about Mariana Kovacevic, the Serbian housewife/healer was treating Arsenal’s Robin Van Persie’s (right) injured ankle with a special massage using baby placenta. Today the Serbian health authorities are looking for the one-time pharmacology doctor turned physiotherapist who they say has been operating without a license and may be guilty of tax evasion as well.

The news reports are backtracking from saying the treatment involved babies, now saying that her unusual treatment methods use HORSE placenta instead. Regardless of the source of the placenta, there aren’t any complaints from her clients.

“It’s good, I’m happy. The woman is a miracle,” Van Persie was quoted after being treated at her apartment.

“Mariana is amazing,” said former Serbia player Dusan Petkovic.

“She saved the careers of several Serb and foreign players. All those muscle injuries, including ruptures, she is treating without a mistake.

“She uses a combination of electricity and the miracle gel that is her exclusive product. The electric current goes through a stick holding the gel, which is applied to the injured spot.”

[Herald Sun]


At Least the Irish Have Perspective

Fresh after their heart-breaking, and illegitimate, loss to the French for World Cup qualifying, many Irish citizens are casting about for things to blame. Case in point, Henry brand vacuum cleaners.

Some custodians at an Irish government building told their supervisors that “they’re unhappy working with vacuum cleaners with the cheat’s name written on them.

“It’s bizarre because the machines have nothing whatsoever to do with Thierry Henry. Some have painted over the name on the cleaner and wiped the smile off its little red face. It just shows how the frustration caused by that goal has got to everyone in Ireland.”

[The Sun]


French Refuse to Surrender (For Once)

On Wednesday the French national soccer team squared off against the Irish squad in a final World Cup qualifier, at the end of the game the French had taken a highly controversial victory. It all stems from French star striker Thierry Henry’s two accidental hand-balls which enabled him to corral the ball (despite also being offsides) and pass it to William Gallas who scored the winning goal for the French side.

The refs made no calls to disallow the goal despite Henri’s admission that he did touch the ball. “I will be honest, it was a handball,” Henry said,  But I’m not the ref. I played it. The ref allowed it.”

The victory meant the French would be going to the World Cup in South Africa, and the Irish would be staying home. Obviously the Irish are LIVID and are asking FIFA, soccer’s international ruling body to allow the match to be replayed. FIFA’s initial response is not to replay the game. If FIFA allows the game to stand, Henry’s handball may live in soccer infamy, much like Diego Maradon’s famous “Hand of God” handball that beat the English in the 1986 World Cup.

Soccer season baby!



Soccer Bully Turns Out to be Hot, Not a Bully

Remember Elizabeth Lambert, the University of New Mexico soccer player who captured the sports world’s attention with her rough antics against the decent, god-fearing women of Brigham Young University? Well, she’s back, trying to repair her image with an interview with the New York Times. It turns out that she’s actually a really nice, smart person. Oh, and she’s like super super-cute.

“I think the way the video came out, it did make me look like a monster. That’s not the type of player I am,” said the 20-year-old All-Conference academic athlete. “I’m not just out there trying to hurt players. That’s taking away from the beauty of the game. And I would never want to do that.”

I also wouldn’t want anything to take away from the beauty…of the game.

“I still deeply regret it and will always regret it and will carry it through the rest of my life not to retaliate,” she added.

After the initial outcry from the video, many people noted the hypocrisy of the sports world where because it was a woman being “violent” it was sensationalized as compared to the many similar instances of men doing the same.

“I definitely feel because I am a female it did bring about a lot more attention than if a male were to do it,” Lambert said. “It’s more expected for men to go out there and be rough. The female, we’re still looked at as, Oh, we kick the ball around and score a goal. But it’s not. We train very hard to reach the highest level we can get to. The physical aspect has maybe increased over the years. I’m not saying it’s for the bad or it’s been too overly aggressive. It’s a game. Sports are physical.”

The Internet being what it is, Lambert received multiple messages from men looking to meet up with her; “That appalled me,” Lambert said. “A lot of people think I have a lot of sexual aggression. I was like, ‘Whoa, no, I don’t feel that way at all.’ That’s bizarre and shocking to me.”

So, creepy dudes out there, leave her alone, she’s not like what you saw in that video clip. I understand Elizabeth, I get it, after all, I DID play Varsity soccer in high school. Maybe we should get together and talk about it…

[NY Times]


Ireland and France Get Into International Squabble Over Soccer

According to the Irish Soccer Insider these letters between some minor-level French and Irish government flunkies have caused something of an international to-do, these seem fake to me, but they’re funny regardless so, enjoy!

[Irish Soccer Insider]


Is There Anything Baby Placenta CAN’T Do?

Following a former teammate’s recommendation, Arsenal striker Robin Van Persie is headed to Belgrade in search of an alternative healing method for his injured ankle.

The Dutchman is, with his coach’s, team’s and doctor’s permission, going to be visiting with Mariana Kovacevic, a Serbian housewife who previously worked on Van Persie’s one-time teammate Danza Lazovic’s injured hamstring. Initially ruled out for 5 weeks, after seeing the Serbian healer Lazovic was back out on the pitch in a week.

“She is vague about her methods but I know that she first massages you for a long time with placenta fluid,” Van Persie said. “I am going to give it a try.

“It can’t do any harm and if it helps, it helps. I’ve been in contact with Arsenal’s chief physio about it. The club has allowed me to have this treatment done.”

Gross. I almost think I’d rather be injured than have baby placenta rubbed on me. Unless there’s stem cells in there, in which case, gimme gimme gimme.



Didier Drogba Gets Jump Kicked

Sunday’s match was a fierce battle pitting the English Premier League leading Chelsea versus third-place Manchester United; still tied 0-0, Chelsea’s star striker Didier Drogba went hard after a loose ball bounding towards the penalty box. Man U defender Jonny Evans was coming strong from the opposite angle and jumped in to corral the ball. While in the air, he led with his foot and (mostly) inadvertently kicked Didier right in the chest. No dive needed on this play, watch the replay where Drogba’s chest gets stabbed with a pair of cleats. Yowch!


Brusha Brusha Brusha

British dentistry is usually an easy target for comedians so one fan at the Chelsea and Manchester United match this weekend tried to change the public perception. Taking in a hard-fought soccer from the stands shouldn’t mean you have to suffer through an unclean mouth. Fortunately, he brought his own toothbrush with him. Unless they sell them at the concessions stands, in which case, I have a series of jokes about British dentistry I’d like to make.



Chick Fight! Dig it!

During a semifinals match between the women’s soccer teams from BYU and New Mexico things started to get a bit ugly after BYU took a 1-0 lead.

The main offender was Elizabeth Lambert from New Mexico who played more like a linebacker than a soccer player; she proceeded to punch an opponent in the back, grab a girl and throw her down to the ground by the ponytail, excessively trip and elbow, and later slapped another player as she drove to the goal. Vicious!

The score held and BYU ultimately pulled out the victory but you can guarantee they were bruised and battered afterwards and that no love is lost between these two teams.

While clearly Lambert is the aggressor for the most part, those BYU girls do have a bit of fight in them too…


Fan Dressed as a Sheep Gets Set on Fire

crazy-halloween-costumes1A bad day got far worse for one Aberdeen soccer fan who was taken to the hospital after having his sheep costume set on fire. Earlier in the day the Aberdeen football club lost 2-0 to Hibernian in the Scottish Premier League and the train was taking fans from Edinburgh back to Aberdeen.

One man was arrested for reportedly starting the fire (FINALLY, we know who started it! Someone wake up the drunken Billy Joel!) which caused the sheep-clad fan to run through the train while aflame. Witnesses said that he was running, arms flailing through the train-cars still on fire as fellow travelers tried to douse the flames with the only liquid on hand, beer. A passenger from Stonehaven, Aberdeenshire, said “His whole costume was on fire. It was like a scene from a horror movie.”

That was less than successful. The unfortunate fan is in serious but stable condition.

Being lit on fire is pretty terrible, but then, it’s still better than what most people in Aberdeen do to sheep. In fact there are TONS of Aberdeen sheep jokes on the Internet, for example:

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Aberdeen?
A: A leisure centre.

Two Dons supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Dons Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Dons Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Dons Fan 1: Fuck the sheep!!!
Dons Fan 2: …(pause)… Do you think we have time?

Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with Five sheep?
A: A pimp.

[The Sun]


This is How You Celebrate Scoring

I don’t have any idea where this is from, who is playing or anything else that would help clarify this clip, but all I know is that this is an excellent way to celebrate scoring a goal. It’s just a shame no one was there to see it.

Vodpod videos no longer available.


Real Madrid Gets CRUSHED by Third Division Club

192445_alcorcon_raul_dest_2Real Madrid, which boasts a payroll over $600 million, squared off against Alcoran, a third-division club in the King’s Cup on Tuesday. Despite being one of the premier soccer clubs in the world Real was defeated handily, 4-0 by a club whose total payroll comes to $1.8 million. How embarrassing! Sure, they were missing several of their top players to injury but that’s still no excuse, they’re fucking REAL MADRID.

This is like the Yankees being taken down by a D3 liberal arts college.

“It’s an embarrassment, I have no explanation,” manager Manuel Pellegrini said at a news conference afterwards. “When you lose like that there is not much to say. Sometimes in the Cup you think that your weaker opponent is easily beaten and until you lose you don’t take them seriously.”

Fortunately, the club officials are taking it all in stride. Real director general Jorge Valdano apologized to the fans on the team’s website for his team’s pathetic performance. “It’s difficult and I know how the Madrid supporters must be feeling. We have to take it as a lesson in humility that must serve as a starting point for a fresh beginning. We must stick together, and when I say together I am also thinking about the coach.”


Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

October 2021