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11
Aug
09

Bernard Pollard Has One Skill

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , , ,

BradyStill in the first quarter of the first game, the New England Patriots’ season came tumbling down after Kansas City’s Bernard Pollard came in on a blitz and exploded Brady’s left knee by running into it. Matt Cassel stepped in and ably guided the Patriots, but obviously was  not on the level of Brady.

Well, Bernard is BACK in action in the Chiefs training camp activities and courtesy of Sports Illustrated’s Peter King comes this story. Normally, during training camp the quarterbacks wear red non-contact jerseys. Well, just as it happened last season, Pollard came in on a blitz and the running back who was supposed to block him gave an ole-style hit instead. Going low to take on the block, Pollard instead — just as it happened with Brady — stumbled and came crashing towards Cassel’s knee.

“MOVE!” Pollard yelled, but it was too late. He rolled into Cassel, the Chiefs’ new $63 million QB and his left leg. Fortunately for the Chiefs, Pollard was able to slow himself and merely tapped his QB’s knee. Cassel was fine, he flexed the leg a few times and then got back to business, after some of his offensive mates gave Pollard some shoves.

“Pretty weird,” a smiling Cassel told King, “Yeah, I realized it.”

When King approached Pollard about the play, the safety said, “I got to the sidelines after that play and I realized what happened, and I thought, — OH MY GOD! It’s like a replay.”

Sigh. I dislike Bernard.

[Monday Morning Quarterback, Sports Illustrated]

10
Aug
09

Three Cheers for the Cheerleaders

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Hot Women
Tags: , ,

Football training camps are in full swing and you know what that means, no not football games starting soon, something WAY more important; the teams’ cheerleaders are putting out their newest calendars! Thank GOD! My parents went on vacation a few years ago and brought me back a signed copy of the St. Louis Rams cheerleaders calendar and it remains a precious memento. Every year these various teams of talented ladies put out helpful calendars that let you know EXACTLY what month it is in just a glance.

So, it was with much ado and pomp that the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders, with some help from rapper T-Pain, released their latest calendar venture. God bless America!

full_miami_dolphin_cheerleaders_04_wenn5333967

[Bitten and Bound]

10
Aug
09

I’m Ready for Some Football

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , ,

Football is BACK! Last night was the start of the preseason games with the Buffalo Bills taking on the Tennessee Titans in the annual Hall of Fame game. Early in the first quarter, the Titans’ backup punter, AJ Trapasso came on in a 4th and 10 situation. He executes a totally awesome fake and then takes it 40 yards to the house. Football is back!

05
Aug
09

The LFL is Sure to Delight

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Hot Women
Tags: , ,

46612138Sure, the NFL season is getting underway with training camps in full swing. Starting Sunday there will be preseason football being played, but why care about that when there’s an unpstart new football league to follow. No, not the UFL, which will prove to have the same shelf-life as the XFL or USFL, I’m talking about the Lingerie Football League. The season starts up in September and should serve to push the women’s movement ahead lightyears.

Here are some photos from some recent practices for the Miami Caliente and the New York Majesty, enjoy!

[Fox 13]

05
Aug
09

Smoke Weed Every Day

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , ,

charles-rogersThe biggest joke of the NFL draft every year is when are the Lions going to take ANOTHER wide-receiver. After taking one with their first pick multiple years in a year, much to the detriment of the team, the Lions finished last season as the worst team in NFL history. Success!

One of the biggest bust picks for them was Charles Johnson, a receiver out of Michigan State who was supposed to help stretch the field and be a dynamic play-maker. Instead, he corraled 36 passes for 440 yards and a mere 4 TDs over three seasons, taking nearly as many trips to the Injured Reserve list as to the end-zone.

One of reasons Rogers never lived up to the hype of being the number 2 overall selection? In an interview with ESPN’s Outside the Lines Rogers admitted that he used to smoke weed “every day.”

Since the Lions dropped him like a bad habit, Rogers has had various legal problems, and is yet to find another NFL team willing to take a chance on him.

Considering that EVERY SINGLE YEAR he was in college he FAILED a drug test, I for one, am SHOCKED by this revelation. Having signed a 6-year contract when he was drafted, including $14.2 million in guranteed bonuses ($8.5 million of which he was forced to pay back to the team), that can definitely buy you more than a couple ounces of some fine-ass hydro…

I mean, I’ve heard…

[Detroit Free-Press]

04
Aug
09

What, No More Football Phones?

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Categories: Awesome, Football and Random
Tags: ,

madden-10-cover-368x500Having spent several years working in the magazine industry I can tell you with confidence that the world of subscription print media is crumbling. In order to try and retain subscribers — and draw in new ones — magazines need to get more creative. So, instead of giving away a crappy fleece blanket or a football flip phone, Sports Illustrated has moved into the 21st century and is now featuring something actually worth getting; a brand new copy of Madden ’10 for the system of your choice.

For a $50 subscription you get 28 weeks of the magazine PLUS  the game AND a bonus NFL Films DVD; considering that the game itself costs like $60 you’re already saving money. If you decide to cancel the subscription early you can only get a full refund if you return both the game and the DVD, if you decide to keep the game SI keeps $26. Even still, if you were going to buy the game anyways you save a little loot, and in this economy, that’s not so bad…

[Consumerist]

04
Aug
09

Lions Receiver Gets Taken Down by Golf Cart

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football and People Hurting Themselves
Tags: , ,

6a00d8341e839953ef01156f3ac21c970c-800wiComing off the worst season in the history of the NFL, the Detroit Lions need as many positive things to happen to their team as possible. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like the team’s fortunes have changed very much. Receiver Bryant Johnson is currently out from training camp and will likely miss several weeks of practice due to an injury. Of course, injuries are a part of football, although, generally they are attained on the practice field or in games, Johnson got his in a slightly different manner; golf cart accident.

With cuts and bruises covering nearly his entire body, “Bryant, unfortunately, had a golf cart accident back in early July,” Lions coach Jim Schwartz said. “It was something we were well aware of. We took a couple of trips down to Atlanta to see him. There are no orthopedic issues with it, a lot of superficial wounds, road rash and those kinds of things. We’ll take our time … with him.”

bryant-johnsonIn speaking with reporters Johnson explained that: “In the community that I live in, everybody uses golf carts to get around. (The golf car) got out of control and it was on two wheels and it fell over. I was driving, and it fell over on my side. It slid about 10 yards. There was a hill, but it wasn’t a steep hill.”

While the cuts are still fresh and could take quite some time to heal, Bryant didn’t think too much about them at the time of the accident.

“It really didn’t hurt until the first time I tried to take a shower,” Johnson said.

I know the feeling, no matter how much I scrub I still can’t ever get clean. I imagine it’s much much worse if you’re a member of the Lions…

[MLive.com]

03
Aug
09

This Qualifies as News?

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , ,

With training camp in full-swing, local area businesses see quite an uptick in profits thanks to the hoards of fans who come to check out practices.

“We look forward to it every year, all the gentlemen’s clubs do, because it brings in people from all over,” Trey Maddox of Babe’s men’s club tells News Radio 1200 WOAI.

“Occasionally we actually get to see some of the players. We put them where nobody bothers them and watch over them. They get to have a really good meal and a cocktail or two and relax.”

Ah yes, the classic strip club buffet, not quite what I would consider prime fuel for a training athlete, or anything close to a “good meal,” but, it’s a strip club so I think we’re allowed to use that term VERY loosely.

“They’re always well behaved,” Maddox says. “They come out to look at the pretty women.”

[WOAI]

03
Aug
09

LenDale Stops Pounding Tequila and Sheds Weight

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Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , , ,

200908012003721805521-pf.rp350x350Tennessee Titans running back LenDale White (right) showed up at training camp having lost over 30 pounds during the offseason, coming in at his lowest weight since high school. Forget watching his diet or intense workout sessions, White merely cut out liquor from his lifestyle, in particular, Patron tequila.

“I really got to be honest,” White said. “It wasn’t a lot of major diet changes. (It was) watching what I drink. I was a big Patron consumer. … That’s what it was. I was drinking a lot, drank a lot of alcohol. I cut that out of my diet all the way. I don’t drink at all. I cut the drinking, I stopped drinking for six months.

“It started falling off.”

Now, White hopes to maintain his power and hard-nosed style throughout the entire season.

Meanwhile, as one NFL player moves off drinking, the league is marketing team-logoed beer pong tables to fans. Because, if you can’t support binge drinking, the terrorists have already won.you aren’t a true Lions fan.

tailgaitingpongtable

[NBC Sports]

28
Jul
09

Zebras Take Linebacker Out

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and People Hurting Themselves
Tags: , ,

windscheffelConfusingly-named Pittsburg State University in Kansas is down a player for next season after sophomore Joe Windscheffel suffered a compound fracture in his forearm that required six pins and a plate. Windscheffel was painting a fence at a farm the other day when he was attacked by some of the livestock and dragged by the arm for some distance until two fellow farm hands were able to free him.

Of course, these weren’t the normal livestock we’re used to hearing about in “Old McDonald,” Windscheffel was working at a zebra farm. Just like a player, Windscheffel claims that the zebra’s attack on him was unprovoked. When he entered the pasture, the 6’2″ 225 lb linebacker/safety had to move the three female and one male zebras out of the way in order get at the fence. Apparently the male took umbrage and launched a teeth baredattack.

Windscheffell is now out for the entire season, which is especially unfortunate considering he red-shirted his entire freshman year due to an Achilles injury, meaning the Pittsburg State Gorillas.

[KCTV]

22
Jul
09

Ben Roethlisberger

By slanch 6 Comments
Categories: Football

As yet ESPN refuses to report on the story that the Pittsburgh Steelers QB has been accused of rape. What do you readers think, is this a racial thing? If Ben were a Pacman Jones would ESPN ignore the story? Is it just a marketing concern (Ben is on Shaq’s new reality show, plus MNF)?

ESPN claims they don’t report civil trials, but a simple google search shows that in fact, they do, constantly. For example, two years ago when Randy Moss was sued by a woman, and won his case. Of course, he’s black… And a troublemaker unlike Roethlisberger, who hasn’t ever been in trouble… Except when he crashed his bike or was photographed getting belligerently drunk…

What’s your explanation for ESPN’s (in)actions?

21
Jul
09

LT is Enjoying His Retirement

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , ,

lawrence_taylor_hallLawrence Taylor reinvented the linebacker postion, thanks to him, there is a distinction in the NFL between pre-LT and post-LT. In his retirement he has done many different things, including Dancing With the Stars but the one thing he doesn’t do is his former profession. When not describing his golf game as similar to the Unabomber, LT explained in an interview with KLAC in Los Angeles that:

I don’t really mess with football anymore. That’s an era of my life that has passed. A lot of the guys will sit there and live football. Every Sunday they’re glued to the TV watching football. I don’t watch football. I’d rather watch two people fuck. Now look, I don’t really watch football. I am very appreciative of all the fan love and all the people that remember the things you have done. But that’s not what turns me on in the morning.

Now there’s a man who knows what he likes…

[Sports Radio Interviews]

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