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11
Jun
09

Stop Mixing Sport Metaphors

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Football
Tags: , ,

Cohen_Body_080805Last year’s 7th round selection Landon Cohen played decently enough to make the Detroit Lions’ roster last season; although I’m not sure that was much of a reward considering how their season turned out.

Concerned that if they released Cohen another team would try to claim him, the team kept 11 defensive lineman, unlike most teams which keep 7-8. MLive.com, the Michigan news website, has this money quote in their article talking about Cohen trying to make the team this year as training camp nears.

It appears that Cohen is going to need another late-inning home run if he’s going to make the Lions’ roster this season. While Cohen has good size at about 300 pounds, his game appears to be more suited for the Tampa Two defense.

So, the defensive lineman in football, now in the late innings, needs to do what exactly? Oh right, a home-run. Maybe that’s why the Lions went 0-16, they were trying to play BASEBALL instead of football!

[MLive.com]

11
Jun
09

Santonio Holmes Vaporizes His Drug Charges

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: ,

Santonio-Holmes-is-Super-Bowl-MVPBeing the MVP of the Superbowl clearly has some perks; for example, Santonio Holmes, who was pulled over and discovered with 3 blunts in his car on October 23rd, had the charges dropped in court yesterday.

Prosecutors say the traffic stop that led police to find the drugs in Holmes’ car wouldn’t hold up in court.

Holmes’ attorney argued that the traffic stop violated his client’s rights because the search warrant wasn’t specific enough. Prosecutors agreed.

Asked if he was happy with the outcome, Holmes said, “I’m all right.”

Now, granted, it was just a misdemeanor charge, but considering the crusade commissioner Goodell is on to clean up the image of the NFL, the last place ANY player wants to be is on the wrong side of a “Guilty” verdict.

[NFL.com]

11
Jun
09

Porno Company Wants to Sponsor the Texans

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , ,

In an attempt to raise more revenue streams, the NFL recently announced that they’d allow teams to sell space on their practice jerseys to advertisers, which makes sense because you know how fans LOVE to collect practice jerseys. Anyways, now that the door is open, one company has contacted the Houston Texans about sponsoring part of the jersey and the Texans are left having to make a decision. The company in question is Zero Tolerance, (link NSFW) a porno company.

Because there are fewer industries that know how to drum up interest and free publicity better than porno, Zero Tolerance also released a hilarious press statement with such gems as:

“Every team in the league starts the season by saying, that they’ll have Zero Tolerance for losing,” the company said.  “While our offer may not be taken seriously, there is some undeniable synergy between the NFL and the name of our company.”

Of course, there’s ZERO chance that the Texans take Zero Tolerance up on their bid, but the porn company gets a bunch of free publicity and the Texans get to leverage the offer to up the price on a company that they’d actually accept.

[Pro Football Talk]

11
Jun
09

Steelers Get Their Diamond-Covered Rings

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , ,

ept_sports_nfl_experts-446182119-1244634507The Superbowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers received their rings this week, commemorating their accomplishment. The rings check in at 3.7 ounces each, featuring 63 diamonds (3.61 carats total), the six large diamonds on the face represent the 6 championships the team has won, the 7 diamonds around the top of the logo are for the team’s 7 conference championships, and the bottom 7 are for the 14 team division titles. On one side of the ring is the players name, his uniform number, the Steelers logo and the NFL logo. The other features the 6 Lombardi trophies sitting inside Heinz Field and the Super Bowl XLIII logo along with the game’s final score.

Continuing the recent tradition of making the rings as gaudy and gigantic as possible, these ones even dwarf the ones the Steelers got 3 years ago. Charlie Batch held up the two compared to each other and the old one looked about half the size. “Everybody’s in awe right now,” Batch said. “When everybody opened his box, it was like ‘Wow!'”

I hope the players enjoy their gaudy new baubles as they have NO chance of getting another one so long as Tom Brady remains healthy. I also hope that the Steelers made sure to triple-check everything written on the ring so they don’t have an embarrassing moment like when they learned — 30 years later — that their 1975 rings were erroneously engraved.
[Shutdown Corner]

09
Jun
09

Teixeira Chooses Boston over New York

By slanch 4 Comments
Categories: Awesome, Boston, Football and Hot Women
Tags: , , , ,

_49be4030a7a41In a day and age when sports players are no longer being looked up to as heroes, where every superstar is suspected of using performance enhancing drugs, our most hallowed records are tainted and the stories of athletes in trouble with the law are constant, it’s nice to see that there are still some honorable people out there. Melissa Anne Teixeira is one of those REAL heroes.

Originally slated to be the quarterback of the New England Euphoria, the region’s entrant in the Lingerie Football League, the franchise struggled to find a proper venue and are instead, relocating to New York. For Teixeira, a lifelong Massachusetts resident, that move was simply too much for her and she submitted her letter of resignation to league officials on her blog.

After careful thought and consideration, I regretfully have to announce that at this time, it is not in my best interest to switch to the New York team. As much as I would like to be a part of this league, there are just too many unknown factors that have been taken into consideration. It is not feasible for me to relocate to New York with the current economic status, combined with my personal finances. At this time, I can not financially support myself commuting to and from New York weekly, while keeping up with my regular monthly expenses as well as my job, without completely knowing what I am going to get out of it, other then PR.

[SNIP]

While the publicity was appreciated, press can not be put in my wallet. It seems that I have already come out of pocket to be a part of this league and I can not continue to do so. This is the most honest & sincere decision that I can make. With everything in mind, I would like to say that I need to wait out the inaugural LFL season while anticipating the possible return of the New England Euphoria. Drawing a fan base from New England while playing for a New York team would not only be difficult, but it would be unfair and would take away from the team, as I would not be able to successfully contribute to the goal of ticket sales and promotion. The fans of New England are true to themselves and their teams, and I would like to remain a part of New England as this is my home. I am a New England fan and forever will be. I am sorry to have to come to this decision but it is in the best interest of myself, the New York Majesty and their fans. If there is something else within the league that I can do, please let me know and I would be glad to consider it. If not, then maybe New England will see you next year.

Unlike traitors like Johnny Damon, Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, etc, self-respect and pride of home were much more important factors for Ms. Texeira. In a time when we have all too few real heroes, Melissa Anne Teixeira stands up for all of us and says, “You can look at my ass in lingerie, but only in New England,” and god bless her for it. USA! USA! USA!

[Hemi Girl via Sports by Brooks]

09
Jun
09

Someone Save TOM BRADY!

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Boston, Football and Hot Women
Tags: , , ,

GiseleBundchenIndex657872The other day, newlyweds Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen took to the Charles River in downtown Boston in kayaks for a leisurely afternoon spent being incredibly good-looking.

Unfortunately, as good as he is on the football field, it seems Tom Tremendous isn’t as skilled with a paddle in his hands. Tom flipped over in his kayak and then struggled to get back into the boat. Ultimately, the launch guy from the boat rental spot had to go out and assist Tom back into the kayak.

Thankfully, the ordeal wasn’t too draining for Tom who managed to work up the energy to go golfing yesterday at a Patriots’ charity golf event.

Also, while he might have been slightly embarrassed about the whole capsizing thing, I’m sure he can get over it when he has Gisele there to nurse his…ego.

Sigh.

[Boston Herald]

28
May
09

Rookies Know How to Celebrate

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: ,

Assembling this year’s rookie class for their first Upper Deck photoshoots, the company opted to make the event a bit more interesting by creating a Touchdown Celebration contest where the best dance would win an autographed Michael Jordan jersey. First off, Michael Jordan? I forget his epic football career. What, were they all out of Ron Mexico jerseys?

Anyways, since almost all of these dance celebrations are illegal, we’ll never get to see them in the N0-Fun-League, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t entertaining. I for one like Aaron Curry’s and I always appreciate a good worm…

21
May
09

Definitely Do NOT Fly on This Plane

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , ,

phpodfQn8The Oakland Raiders have been the poster children for futility for the last several years, foolish penalties, complete lack of talent, lack of direction from the front office, coaches who are overmatched have all served to make them a laughingstock in the NFL. So, the news that they have come to an agreement with Air Asia X, a small airline serving Malaysia, London and Australia to sponsor one of the airline’s new Airbus A340 planes.

This agreement with Air Asia X is not an indication that the Raiders are dropping their long-time partner Hawaiian Airlines. Raiders CEO Amy Trask joked, “We can dominate the airlines. If you buy a plane you can paint it in Raider colors.” She said that the Raiders will continue their terrific relationship with Hawaiian, and there would be no conflict because both airliners cover different routes and territory.

Air Asia X has a tradition where all their planes have an “X” in their name, and so, of course, the Raiders’ plane will be named the “Committment to Excellence.” Currently the plane just has the Raiders shield on the tailfin, but it will soon be covered inside and out in  Raider regalia, including images of the Raiderettes, current and past players and classic Raider moments.

All I know is that if I’m going to go into an aluminum can and go 30,000 feet in the air, I’d like NOT to have anything associated with CONSTANT failure and suck. That doesn’t inspire much confidence for me. I’ve seen the Raiders play, it’s probably best to wait for another flight. This plane is guaranteed to fail.

Trask said this is an “Exciting, fun, terrific relationship with Air Asia X” whom she called a “bodacious airline.”

The team does expect the plane to be flown to Oakland for at least one game day.

[Examiner]

15
May
09

Can I Pray to Make You Go Away?

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football
Tags: , ,

kurt warnerI’ll be the first to admit I don’t get the whole religion and prayer thing. For instance, I can’t STAND how after anything bad  happens newscasters or whoever they are interviewing will say “Our thoughts and prayers are with…” Really? Like Anderson Cooper gets on his knees every night to pray. I buy that he’s on his knees every day, but that is a very different sort of subservience. Whateves, maybe I’m just crotchety and unable to use my imagination to believe in mythology as something real.

Then there are people like Kurt Warner whose religious views are a major talking point for him at any opportunity, even when meeting the President. Hearing that President Obama would be in Arizona delivering the commencement address at Arizona State University (WOOOOOOOO!), Warner made a call and arranged a short get-together with Barack. The two men met and talked about Obama’s basketball skills, with Obama even inviting Warner to come play at the White House some time. Then the conversation got somewhere useful; Warner asked the President how he could pray for him.

Uh. What?

According to Warner, the President responded that “[I] could pray for his family because of the situation and how difficult it is, and ‘pray that I get it right.'”

What are you supposed to say to someone asking how they can pray for you? Give me 6 more inches? Should you treat it like you would with a genie? It’s about the same likelihood of anything happening right?

You know partly why I hate people who say things like “I’ll be praying for you.” A) most of the time they probably “pray” once and then move on. B) It’s a way to be like “I’m helping,” without actually doing anything. C) Nothing ever changes, and if something WERE to change, it wouldn’t be because of prayer.

I only wish Obama asked Warner to pray for the Bears to dominate the NFC next season, after all, you can’t ignore a request from the Commander in Chief right?

[AZCentral]

04
May
09

Are You Ready for Some Football and Hopefully Boobs Popping Out?

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Hot Women
Tags: , , ,

As the nascent Lingerie Football League gets ready for the inaugural season starting on September 11, the teams need players who can fill out the rosters, as well as bustiers. To that end, teams have been holding open tryouts across the country and thankfully, the local newspapers have made sure to send out many photographers to the events. There’s probably more photogs at these than the Super Bowl, and fiercer competition too. This definitely looks like a league where showing up for the pre-game warm-ups is mandatory for fans.

Anyhoo, after the jump are some of the highlights from the Seattle Mist, Denver Dream and Dallas Desire tryouts, I for one look forward to these competitions. Also, I’d like to volunteer to be the ball, especially at the bottom of a pile-up. For plenty more from these slide shows, click the links below.

denver-dream-lingerie-football-at-dicks-sporting-goods-park331040736dallas-desire-lingerie-football-mini-camp331297436denver-dream-lingerie-football-at-dicks-sporting-goods-park331040636

[Westword, Dallas Observer, Seattle Weekly]

Continue reading ‘Are You Ready for Some Football and Hopefully Boobs Popping Out?’

04
May
09

Patriots Draft New Player With Direct Line to the Ever-After

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome, Boston and Football
Tags: , ,

05032009lama

Over the weekend Gillette Stadium, normally home to the New England Patriots held a different kind of visitor, the Dalai Lama who was in town to speak about Tibetan Buddhism, peace and happiness. A rapt crowd of nearly 16,000 enthusiastically greeted the exiled Buddhist leader although the loudest cheers were reserved for when he put on his brand-new red Patriots hat, a gift from Patriots owner Bob Kraft.

No word how the 74 year old fares in a three-point stance but he looks to me like a strong outside rusher.

[Boston Globe]

30
Apr
09

Nothing Goes Better with Football than the Klan… Right? Guys? Hello?

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Douches, Football, Other Sports and Random
Tags: , ,

An Australian rules football team, the Torquay Tigers, faces’ were a bit red today after their most recent game promotion has caused some uproar. For some unknown reason, fans were upset and angered by the team’s plans for an “All White Night” particularly since the team’s website announcement featured a bridal party, a white tiger and, of course, some Ku Klux Klan members.

It caught me by surprise, because I haven’t been on the website for a while. I didn’t know anything about it,” said Michael Coleman, Torquay Tigers club secretary. “But I’m thinking ‘All White Night’ and hoping no one would find any racism in that. But the picture is likely to be the work of an individual person and it’s certainly not the club’s thoughts.”

The image was removed and replaced with a small photo of Snow White — because that fixes it. Then later, in large part due to the negative backlash, the team removed the event completely and the May 2nd match is just listed as a normal game, sans any promotion.

picasioncom_367b79b2dce1c63c9237236706a7798c[Herald Sun]

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