The Slanch Report

Anyone who knows me knows I live and die by my love of local British council elections. After all, that is where any real governing happens. So, it is to that end that I have been voraciously following the story of Wigan borough councilman Richard Clayton. Clayton, a four-year veteran of the Wigan council, as I’m sure you remember, won resoundingly in his first election, being massively popular in his local area and has long been a favorite of mine as an up-and-comer. However, this upcoming election in May looks to be much more challenging. It seems that a young man has decided that Clayton is no longer an efficient legislator and should be ousted. In particular, character issues seem to be at the forefront of this young man’s charges.

Normally, that would not be extraordinary, but this young man has been very familiar with Clayton’s character for many years. That would be because he is Clayton’s son, Richard Clayton Jr. The elder Clayton had been married for 40 years to Jr’s stepmother Marjorie but has been carrying on an affair for the last four years with the divorcee living across the street. For Clayton Jr, who also lives down the street (social mobility British style) this was simply too much for him to bear, especially since his stepmother can “see into their house from my living room and they can see into mine. They walk past my house together every day. They park their car right outside my gate, there’s no way I can avoid them.”

For Clayton Jr, this is unacceptable. “I warned him if he didn’t stand down I’d stand against him as an independent, and that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’ll win but I’ve already got a lot of support. The neighbours are stunned at the way he’s behaved.”

When Marjorie hired a private detective to follow her husband, the detective photographed them kissing in a parked car. When confronted by his wife, Clayton claimed merely that he knew he was being followed and decided to put on a show. Because that makes sense. Junior does not buy into any of this, and seems somewhat miffed that his Pops has the game that the son no longer has. “What mystifies me,” Clayton Jr said, “is what Lorraine sees in him. Dad’s 65 – almost 20 years older than her.” Sounds to me like someone is a little jealous.

This can only lead to any number of awkward conversations at Christmas dinners to come. “Please Dad’s mistress, pass the spotted dick, no not his! Ugh, liver spots…” (sounds of vomit).

I had been intending to hold off on making my highly influential endorsement for the Wigan council until after the 13th debate, but with all this news and information, I think it has come time to make my choice. The Slanch Report hereby formally announces our support for Richard Clayton Sr. He has shown he knows how to lead, and he has shown he knows how to make the tough decisions. It can’t have been easy living with his wife and maintaining a mistress while running his forklift truck company and serving on the council, but he has done it all with aplomb. Further, he made a bold decision to leave his wife of 40 years and clearly he’s attractive to the female population. In fact, city council may no longer be the right place for the honorable Clayton Sr, he may be much more appropriate for the big city politics. Someone get this man into the house of the Lords ASAP!