Anthony Van Loo was minding his own business in the 44th minute of a soccer game in the Belgian soccer leagues when he suddenly suffered a heart attack. Van Loo, who suffers from a heart condition, has a defibrillator previously installed in his chest and after collapsing on the pitch, it activated, shocking him back alive and likely saving his life. He was taken off the field for precautionary reasons.
Archive for the 'Soccer' Category
09
Jun
09
Serious as a Heart Attack
02
Jun
09
Soccer Players are Really Tough
Remember the soccer player who flopped when the breeze from the linesman’s flag brushed by him, well, he’s got company now in the world of professional flopping. Here the coach goes for the headbutt, fails and then both decide to take the two biggest falls possible.
I don’t understand how soccer players keep getting all these incredibly good-looking women when they are all such wusses.
Everton midfielder Marouane Fellaini is most readily known for his giant afro; however, according to the semi-horsefaced Natalie Rooney (cousin of ManU’s star Wayne Rooney) who has been seeing Fellaini, the “collar and cuffs definitely don’t match.”
“I absolutely love his hair.
“It’s like a big Afro, it’s everywhere. But he shaves it ‘elsewhere…’”
Natalie said: “He doesn’t speak much English and it’s mostly French channels on his TV so we have to entertain ourselves in other ways. The only French I know is ‘Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir’ – but it seemed to work well!”
So, there you go, now you know about a Belgishian’s (ed. that’s definitely not what they’re called…) pubic hair. Happy Memorial Day!
Oh and according to his wikipedia page, Fellaini is known for his heading ability and stamina. Enjoy ladies!
22
May
09
Women Drivers Be Crazy
The last time we had Andrei Arshavin here on the Report, he was coming off a phenomenal 4-goal performance for Arsenal; today he’s back for a different reason. In an interview with the Daily Mail, the Russian-born striker talked about how, as a child, he was struck by a car and nearly killed. “I was crossing the street when two trams appeared at the station,” Arshavin said, “I didn’t see the car which hit me. I went flying ten metres up in the air. It is a miracle I am still alive.”
So, of course, it is a simple leap in logic from there, to Arshavin’s next comments:
If I had it in my power to introduce a ban on women driving cars and to withdraw all their licences, I would do it without thinking twice. In my opinion a woman and a man are two absolutely different creatures.
Classy!
Arshavin, seen above with his long-time girlfriend Yulia and one of their two children should know, after all he once studied for a fashion degree and even has a woman’s clothing line. Woman are just so totally different right man! At least Andrei knows what he’s looking for in a lass, “I like tall, slim girls with narrow thighs and tiny bums,’ he said. “If a girl is like this I do not pay attention to her breasts. Hair colour doesn’t matter either. What is really important is her style and manners.”
22
May
09
Consider Me an Official Fan Now
Playing in Northern Ireland is tough enough, so in order to drum up some publicity, Linfield FC launched their new away jerseys with some fanfare, or more accurately, Lucy Evangalista, a former Miss Northern Ireland.
I was unaware Evangalista was an Irish name, but I’ll look well past that because she isn’t wearing any pants.
I find it particularly amusing that alone, she can pose in just her underwear, but when the team’s players show up she has to put shorts on. Whateves, to mix metaphors, I have a new horse in the Northern Ireland soccer game!
Steven Gerrard has a pretty good life, he’s the reigning Football Writers’ Association Footballer of the Year award-winner, he’s the captain of Liverpool and he’s a key cog on the English national team, not too shabby.
As a teenager though, the then acne covered soccer star used to serve as the key wing-man for his cleaner faced buddies going for the ugly girls so that his teammates could score with the hotties. “I used to have to! I had a really spotty face. But since then it’s fair to say my standards have got a lot higher!” No wonder his teammates made him captain!
Now 28 years old, Gerrard has definitely upped his standards, marrying fashion journalist Alex Curran, who may not be the hottest WAG out there, but she’s still better-looking than what most guys who look like Gerrard get.
18
May
09
Pal Dardai is my New Friend
Here’s something we’ll probably never see out of an American sports team athlete; Pal Dardai, a 33 year old Hungarian midfielder on Hertha in the German Bundesliga promised the local fans that if at least 55,000 people showed up for the final 5 home games he’d buy everyone there a beer. On Saturday, the over 74,000 fans in attendance all received a coupon for a free beer at the game (or their choice of a soft drink but c’mon, it’s GERMANY, even the 9 year olds were ordering lagers.)
This is another promotion that needs to get exported to the US, it’s a perfect one for the Brewers!
Because athletes never cease to injure themselves in unique and interesting manners, here is the latest bizarre injury from the world of soccer. Kirk Broadstreet, who plays for Rangers in the Scottish Premier League was treated at a hospital on Sunday after an egg exploded in his face. It seems that Broadstreet was inspecting one of the two eggs he was poaching in the microwave when it blew up, throwing scalding water at his face.
Rangers manager Walter Smith said: “He’s got some facial burns but he should be okay.”
This is why I never eat eggs.
Hamburger SV was rolling towards the UEFA Cup Finals until a piece of litter ruined their chances. As Hamburger midfielder Michael Gravgaard went to clear a ball out of his zone it, at the last moment, rolled over a piece of garbage on the field and he bobbled the ball, which subsequently went out of bounds. The ensuing corner kick by Werder Bremen’s Frank Baumann scored, winning the game 3-2.
In Brazil the famous Corinthians soccer club won the Paulista Championship; something they evidently take very seriously based on the level of celebrating afterwards. After receiving their gigantic trophy, several of the team’s players — including team captain William — and executives were lifted high in the air, then fireworks and sparklers were shot off. Unfortunately, it turns out that fireworks sometimes include flames and the massive amounts of paper that the team shot in the air that then draped on the raised dais and such became a massive fire hazard.
Of course, inevitably, William catches on FIRE! Luckily, the other people on the platform managed to quickly put the flames out, but this definitely takes the cake for celebrating.
05
May
09
Being a Billionaire Must be Fun
According to several Russian newspapers, Roman Abramovich, the Russian billionaire ranked as the 51st richest person in the world according to Forbes, and owner of the Chelsea soccer club lost one of his yachts playing poker. Seeing that Abramovich already has several mega-yachts, and is currently building the world’s largest private yacht, I doubt that losing one of the many boats in his armada is a major loss. Of course, his PR flaks are denying the report but if you can’t count on the honesty of a Russian newspaper the world is already lost.
30
Apr
09
Christiano Ronaldo Gets SCHOOLED
Here’s Kieran Gibbs, a youngster on Arsenal’s squad just absolutely SCHOOLING Manchester United’s Christiano Ronaldo with a sick nutmeg.
You sir just got OWNED.
The Slanch Report 
Recent Comments